


The Apartment

by Ciprus



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, F/F, Young Vanity, slow burn i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 56,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciprus/pseuds/Ciprus
Summary: Vanessa is in desperate need of a new flatmate after she falls out with Rhona. With no other options available, she takes a chance on one Charity Dingle.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 470
Kudos: 621





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For a long time, I've been obsessed with what could have happened if Vanessa and Charity had met earlier in life. So this is basically a "what if" fic, where I play fast and loose with timelines and move characters around to suit the plot.
> 
> CW: there will be mentions of internalized homophobia, sexual assault and violence throughout this fic.

**1997**

_ FLATMATE WANTED URGENTLY!  _

Vanessa stares down at the poster in her hand and cringes. The header really screams desperate, but then, that’s what she is.

It’s been weeks since Rhona moved out, and all her efforts to find a new flatmate have been fruitless. Rent is coming up. 

The rain pours over her head as she steps out on the pavement, it smatters over her yellow raincoat as she crosses the street and runs towards her local pub.

The Old Station is a little rough around the edges, but it’s become Vanessa’s second home in the last few years since she moved into the building across the road.

She’s never been here in the morning before. The pub is usually filled with locals and the odd student in for a cheap pint. Now it’s woefully empty, save for a blonde woman nursing a cup of tea in one of the corners. Vanessa doesn’t pay her any attention, but strides across the room towards the bar.

”Diane?” she calls.

”Down here!” The voice comes from behind the bar. Vanessa stands on her tiptoes to peer down at Diane who’s on her knees stacking snacks. ”Oh, hello Vanessa.”

”Hi! Diane! Would it be alright if I stick this on your board?” Vanessa asks, taking out a poster from her bag to show Diane. ”It’s kind of urgent.”

Diane rises. ”Of course, love,” she says after eyeing the poster. ”No need to ask. People put up all sorts on there. You’ve not had any luck then?”

”Just a few prank callers unfortunately. Heavy breathers and the like.”

No one at uni seems to want to move this far away from campus in the middle of term, and things are starting to look very bleak. Now she’s on a mission to put posters up all over the neighborhood in order to find someone. She won’t be able to afford to pay rent and still be able to buy food and text books next month, which means she’ll have to ask her mum for a loan and Vanessa thinks she’d rather starve.

Diane pats Vanessa’s hand. ”Rhona really left you in a pickle, didn’t she?” She purses her lips in disapproval.

”Oh, it’s alright.” Vanessa smiles as brightly as she can manage. ”Her and Pete want to make a go of living together. I get that.”

”Bit fast, isn’t it?” Diane remarks.

It had been. Rhona and Pete had only been together a few months. It was the urge to get away from Vanessa that made Rhona so hasty to leave. Not that Vanessa will ever tell Diane that.

”Oh, you know how it is,” Vanessa says with an eye-roll. ”They’re  _ so  _ loved up.” Her cheeks are starting to hurt from the effort of smiling too widely.

”I only vaguely remember, love,” Diane chuckles. ”You’re being very understanding about it all. Too understanding, if you ask me. Can I get you anything?”

”No, ta. I need to put these up in a few more places.”

They say their goodbyes and Vanessa pins the poster to the board beside the bar before leaving. She prays that she’ll get at least one non-freak reply this time.

—

A few days later, the Station is starting to fill with people coming in for their after work drinks.

”Just half a pint please Diane,” Vanessa mutters.

”Oh, that face is worrying me, pet.”

”I’m starting to think I should have taken one of those heavy breathers in,” Vanessa says with a half hearted laugh. ”I think I’ll have to move. I can’t afford to keep the flat on my own.”

”I’m sorry, love.”

Vanessa shrugs. What she really wants to do is cry but that won’t do in here in front of everyone.

Diane fills up a full pint. ”On the house. Looks like you need it.”

”Thank you.”

Vanessa chooses a booth so she can turn her back against the crowd. She isn’t in the mood to chat to anyone right now. She stares into her pint. She’s at her wits end. She’s been trying to look for something cheaper while simultaneously finding a new flatmate and it’s just been a complete failure on both counts.

”Oi. You.”

Vanessa looks up towards the voice. It’s the blonde woman from the other day, the one from the corner. She puts Vanessa’s pathetic poster down on the table.

”This is yours, yeah?”

”Why’d you take that down?” Vanessa asks irritably.

”You need a flatmate?”

”Yeah…” Vanessa stares at the girl, who looks much more like Vanessa’s age now that she’s up close. She is carrying a big duffle bag over her shoulder. She’s tall and thin, wearing a huge plaid shirt and leggings with holes in them and last nights eyeliner. She looks like the kind of girl Vanessa’s mum used to tell Vanessa to stay away from. Which basically means she looks cool in a way Vanessa has never managed to be herself.

”Well, I need somewhere to stay, so.” There’s a challenge in the way she says it. ”If it’s free maybe I’ll take it.”

Vanessa blinks stupidly for a few seconds. She can’t believe her luck. She is desperate, and the blonde isn’t a heavy breathing creep which makes her a better candidate than everyone else so far.

”Oh, it’s still free,” Vanessa laughs. 

”Thought so.”

Vanessa stretches out her hand. ”I’m Vanessa. Vanessa Woodfield.”

”Charity Dingle.” The grip is firm, and the green, piercing gaze seems to dare Vanessa to comment on her name. Charity sits down opposite Vanessa. ”So, aren’t you going to get us some drinks?” she demands.

”What do you want?”

”I’ll have a G&T, if you’re buying.”

”Sure.” Vanessa goes to order. It’s not like she can afford to be stingy in this situation, even though she’s so strapped for cash. She only orders for Charity, she’s barely touched her own pint.

”So Charity,” Vanessa says when she comes back to the table. ”What do you do?”

”I work at a bar. Mostly nights, so I won’t make much noise if you’re worried about that.”

”I don’t mind some noise sometimes.” Vanessa smiles. ”Sometimes I have some mates over. Having a few drinks before going out, that sort of thing. Would that be a problem?”

”Not for me.”

”That’s good.” 

Charity just nods and sips her drink. The silence makes Vanessa nervous. ”I’m a fourth year vet student,” she says, even though Charity didn’t ask.

”Fancy,” Charity replies with a smile that looks more like a grimace.

”It’s not really. Anyway, my place is just across the road if you want to come have a look right away.”

Charity nods, downs her drink in one go and stands up.

”You coming then?” she asks.

Vanessa isn’t sure she likes the bossiness. She takes a last swig of her pint and follows Charity out the door.

They take the short walk to Vanessa’s drab building. She hears herself babble too much, about uni and exams and people Charity doesn’t even know. Something about Charity unnerves her. It’s probably the cool girl thing. Charity doesn’t say much, which of course makes Vanessa overcompensate by talking even more.

Charity looks around curiously when they enter the apartment. Vanessa does the same, looking at it with fresh eyes for the first time in a while. It really isn’t much, the kitchen needed updating at least 15 years ago. The living room is a decent size but the bathroom has room for the bathtub and not much else. It’s hardly a palace, but it’s homey. Vanessa and Rhona had done their best to brighten it up with some colour and plants. 

Rhona had told Vanessa she could keep the plants when she moved out.

”So, as you can see it’s semi-furnished. It’s a bit run down, but everything’s in working order. We share the bathroom and the kitchen. Everyone takes care of their own dishes and laundry and we take turns cleaning every week.”

”That’s fine,” Charity says. ”I’d have my own room?”

”Of course!” Vanessa opens the door to Rhona’s old bedroom. ”It’s not big, but you can make it your own.” Charity looks around, nodding. It’s like Rhona has never lived there at all. The only thing left is the old bed that’s included in rent. ”Any questions?”

”The rent is a bit steep.”

Vanessa almost bristles. She’d lowered the rent as much as she could the second time she put up posters, hoping she could convince someone that way.

”It’s as low as I can go, unfortunately.”

Charity shrugs, nonchalantly drawing a finger across one of the kitchen chairs, looking around with a critical eye. ”Like you said, it’s a bit run down.”

A big part of Vanessa wants to tell Charity to bore off, but she really can't afford to. She thinks Charity might know that, having overheard her conversation with Diane earlier.

”Maybe I can reduce your rent by ten pounds, but that’s it.”

”Twenty.”

Vanessa narrows her eyes. Something tells her that Charity finds this amusing.

”Fifteen. Final offer.”

Charity grins triumphantly. ”Deal. When can I move in?”

”Any time. Soon as!” Despite losing the bidding war, Vanessa is so relieved.

”How about right now?” Charity asks.

”Wow. No time to lose?”

Vanessa realises too late that she doesn't know anything about Charity. Rhona had already been Vanessa’s friend when they found this place. Charity is a stranger, and Vanessa has never lived with a stranger before.

”Something like that.”

”Why don’t we both think about this until tomorrow and we can talk then?” Vanessa suggests and Charity’s face falls.

”You don’t think I’m good for the money?” she asks, dropping her duffle bag from her shoulder. She rummages around in there, pulling out a stack of bills, counts them and offers some to Vanessa. ”You can have the first rent upfront.”

Vanessa looks at Charity. The worn shoes, the huge duffle bag. She suddenly understands her urgency. ”Where are you staying now?”

”Here and there. With mates mostly.”

”So nowhere permanent?”

”I used to live with my boyfriend until recently, but you know how it goes.”

Vanessa nods like she totally knows, although she’s never had a boyfriend.

”Where are you from?” Vanessa asks.

”Yorkshire.”

”Yeah? Me too!”

Charity smiles then, more genuine than before. ”It’s kind of hard to miss, babe.”

Vanessa blushes. It’s not the first time someone’s commented on her thick accent since she got to uni. It’s not usually complimentary.

”Reminds me of home,” Charity says.

”Your accent is a bit harder to pin down.”

”I’ve been all over the place, me,” Charity says. ”So what do you say?” Charity offers the money to Vanessa again.

There are definitely reservations, Vanessa would have liked to live with someone she knows a little, but it’s not like she can afford to be picky. And since Charity doesn’t seem to have anywhere permanent to go overnight, it doesn’t seem right to send her away.

”If you’re okay with everything, I’m okay too,” Vanessa says.

”Brilliant.” 

—

Things don’t exactly go smoothly to begin with. They are, to put it mildly, wildly different.

Vanessa soon learns that Charity is prickly on a good day. She only vaguely answers Vanessa’s questions about her life, if at all. It’s like she’s always on guard, and expects there to be some hidden reason why Vanessa asks her things. That soon puts Vanessa off trying to get to know her. 

And despite the fact that all of her belongings fit into a single duffle bag, Charity sure knows how to spread her things around.

After a week of finding socks jammed between the sofa cushions and wet towels thrown on the bathroom floor, Vanessa has to say something.

”Remember what I said about everyone picking up after themselves?” Vanessa asks, throwing a t-shirt at Charity, who’s sitting on the sofa rolling cigarettes.

”Watch it!” Charity exclaims.

”And don’t spill tobacco flakes on the sofa, please.”

Charity rolls her eyes. ”Yes,  _ mother.”  _

Vanessa sighs and leaves the room. Charity has a tendency to be sarcastic in a way that makes Vanessa flush with anger. The way she puts her feet on the coffee table, shoes still on, and drops her stuff just where she’s standing is beyond annoying. 

Vanessa’s mother raised her to keep a neat house and take care of her clothes. They never had much money for new things so keeping things clean and in their place was a way for them to last longer. She is really starting to reconsider taking Charity in, but it’s not like she can afford this place alone any more now than before.

She’ll just have to suck it up and do her best to house train Charity somehow. That doesn’t seem like an easy task.

It’s Friday, and normally Vanessa and Rhona would be scouting out the best parties to go to, but everything still feels a bit lopsided without Rhona around. All of her other friends are Rhona’s friends too, and she doesn’t want to risk running into her. She decides to stay at home alone in front of the telly, not for the first time since the fallout.

The living room is blissfully empty when Vanessa returns. She goes through the videotapes in the drawer under the telly. She reaches for the one neatly marked  _ Fried Green Tomatoes. _ Can’t go wrong with that one.

She pops a batch of popcorn on the stove and sinks down in the sofa, pressing play on the remote.

Just when Buddy is about to get run over by the train, Charity steps out of the bathroom. Vanessa almost doesn’t recognize her. Her face is a mask of heavy make-up. She is wearing fishnet stockings and the shortest skirt Vanessa has ever seen. Vanessa stares.

Charity notices and glares at her. ”I’m off to work,” she says and leaves without another word.

”See you!” Vanessa calls after her. 

It’s the first time Charity has gone to work since she moved in, and Vanessa wonders what kind of bar requires an outfit like that. Probably some place edgy. 

—

It’s pitch black when Vanessa startles awake by Charity making a racket by the door.

”What time is it?” Vanessa croaks. Her back cramps from the bad angle she’s been sleeping in.

”Why are you still out here?” Charity hisses. 

”Fell asleep.”

”I need a shower,” Charity says. ”You should go to bed.”

Vanessa nods into the darkness. She can barely make out Charity’s form in the room. She’s still half asleep. ”You had a good night at work?” she yawns.

”Sure, babe,” Charity snorts.

Vanessa sighs. No point in trying. She drags herself into her bedroom as she hears the gentle sound of the shower spray.

—

Charity comes and goes at strange times all weekend.

The first time she was just gone for a few hours, and on Saturday she comes home just as Vanessa gets up in the morning. Charity heads into the shower first thing and then goes straight from the shower into her room without a word. Vanessa reckons she must be knackered, having to work all night like that. She wants to ask, but as usual, something about Charity just forbids asking too many questions.

On Sunday, Vanessa tries to study, but feels restless. She never used to have trouble concentrating but ever since she fell out with Rhona, it’s like she can’t focus properly. She finds herself staring blankly at her notes, not making sense of them. She gives the fridge a deep clean instead, and then goes for a pint at The Station, chatting to Louise the barmaid and some of the regulars she knows. Everyone still asks after Rhona. 

She gets drunk and snogs some bloke before heading home alone.

—

Rhona slides into the seat beside Vanessa’s in class the following week.

”Hi Ness.”

”You’re talking to me again now? Wonders never seize.” Vanessa refuses to look at Rhona. She can see that Rhona flinches a little in the corner of her eye, and Vanessa takes a kind of pleasure in that.

”I was just wondering if you’ve found someone to take over my room.”

”Yep.”

”I’m so glad,” Rhona says, like she didn’t leave Vanessa high and dry to pay the whole rent herself. ”How’s it going?”

”Brilliant.” Vanessa nods frantically. ”Yeah, really good.”

If things were like they used to be between them, she’d tell Rhona that things are not, in fact, going brilliantly. She’d complain that Charity is one of the moodiest people she has ever met, not to mention untidy with an annoying habit of calling Vanessa  _ babe _ in a way that makes it sound like the opposite of an endearment.

”I’m glad. Listen Ness, I’m sorry that I had to move out so suddenly…”

”You didn’t really  _ have _ to, did you?” Vanessa snipes, unable to help herself. The way things turned out still stings, badly.

”I just thought it was better,” Rhona says, before lowering her voice even more into a whisper. ”Because of what you said about—”

”I was drunk, okay? I told you I didn’t mean it.”

Rhona looks skeptical. ”Ness, you pretty much said you’re a… well  _ you know,”  _ she whispers.

”Ssssh! Rhona!” Vanessa hisses, glancing around the auditorium. ”I was confused! I  _ told _ you that’s not what I meant! And even if it had been I don’t understand why you had to move out because of it.”

”Ness, I’m with Pete. I was afraid someone would think that  _ I’m _ like that. _ ” _

Tears burn behind Vanessa’s eyelids but she refuses to let them fall. The humiliation she felt when Rhona recoiled after she’d drunkenly confessed having fancied one of their female professors since first term is still just as tangible. She is grateful she didn’t have time to say anything about the confusing feelings she has sometimes had for Rhona, and how much she hated things changing when Pete came into the picture.

”I don’t think there’s any risk of that with the way you two slobber all over each other,” Vanessa says and focuses all her attention on their professor walking up to the podium.

”Ness…”

”Do you mind? I need to listen to this.”

—

So things are awkward with Rhona. At least they’re on speaking terms again, if you can call it that.

Vanessa actively tries to not think about all the feelings that bubbled out of her that night. Something about saying things out loud had seemed so important, that maybe she could make sense of herself if she painted what was going on with her in words. She had thought her confusion would be safe with Rhona. That they were the kind of friends that could tell each other everything.

Clearly not.

She throws her rucksack on the floor and then herself on the sofa. There’s definitely tobacco flakes on it this time, and a distinct smell of smoke. Vanessa flies up off it, furious.

She enjoys the scowl on Charity’s face when she bursts out of her room a few minutes later.

”Can you maybe save that for later?!” Charity shouts over the thunder of the vacuum.

”Sorry, I can’t hear you!” Vanessa shouts back, although she heard perfectly.

Charity rips the chord out of the socket. 

”I’m trying to sleep here!” she yells, even though the noise is gone.

”Oh so I can’t  _ live _ because you need your beauty sleep at 4 in the afternoon? You’ve spilled tobacco all over the sofa  _ again _ , by the way! And I’ve told you not to smoke in here!”

Charity shakes her head. ”Of all the places I could end up, I’d have to end up with a neat freak,” she mutters.

”I’m not a neat freak!” Vanessa cries.

Charity laughs. ”Yeah you are! All you’ve done since I got here, besides reading your stupid vet books, is trying to clean away every trace of my existence. It’s like living with Hyacinth bloody Bucket!”

”Well you’re a slob!” Vanessa yells at Charity’s back as she walks out of the room. ”And it’s your time to take out the bins!”

—

Vanessa fumes in her bedroom. Charity really is the worst flatmate ever, and now she’s stuck with her for the foreseeable future.

But that’s not really the worst of it. She's never felt more alone, and she knows Charity is right. She has been overdoing it with the cleaning lately. In lieu of partying, she has managed her stress by cleaning and doing laundry. It’s what she does, she scrubs the oven until it shines or irons everything in her closet. It gives her some semblance of control when she feels like everything is crumbling around her. 

Passive aggressively doing housework while brooding about the shortcomings of those around her.

She is turning into her mother.

Vanessa can’t think of anything worse than that.

She buries her face in her pillow and cries.

—


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things thaw a little between Vanessa and Charity.

**1997**

Vanessa’s head pounds painfully. Flashes from yesterday, a bunch of her friends out clubbing. Shots. _So_ many shots. 

She rubs at her temple and tries to roll out of bed as carefully as possible so she won’t wake the guy snoring next to her. His arm is draped over her waist and she has to lift it to get away. Of course, he wakes up.

”Where are you going?” he asks sleepily, trying to hold onto her. She wriggles out of his grip.

”Need the loo.” Vanessa pulls a shirt over her head without looking at him.

”Come right back,” he tells her in a cute voice that makes Vanessa shudder unpleasantly. She is definitely _not_ coming right back.

When she opens the door into the living room she finds herself face to face with a smirking Charity, who’s sprawled on the sofa watching telly and eating coco pops right out of the box.

”Looks like someone had fun last night,” Charity remarks, pointing at a pair of mens jeans laying in a heap beside the coffee table. ”But what have we said about throwing our things on the floor, babe?” she tuts.

”Haha,” Vanessa replies sullenly as she walks past. 

She closes the bathroom door behind her, grateful for some space. She hates the morning after. She doesn’t usually bring blokes here, it’s much easier to go home with them and then sneak out before they wake up.

The spray of the shower is scalding. It soothes her headache and she imagines she is scrubbing his touch off her. She makes it extra long, hoping he will have left when she comes out.

He hasn’t. 

She had hoped he would get the hint when she didn’t come back in, but he apparently doesn't see a problem with snoring away in her bed while she’s not there.

Charity has vacated the living room so Vanessa plants herself on the sofa, picking up one of her text books in farm animal anesthesia. She might as well get some studying done.

He finally emerges about another hour later.

”Hey,” he says with a grin, fishing his pants up from the floor and pulling them up without shame.

”Hey,” she mumbles, fixing her eyes on her book.

”Well, well, well,” Charity drawls as she walks back into the room. It’s like she’s been laying in wait, planning to come out to enjoy the show. ”Who’s this then?” She sits down on the side of the sofa, close to Vanessa’s head.

”Charity, this is Dan,” Vanessa says. 

”Daniel,” he corrects her.

Vanessa is embarrassed but refuses to let on. ”He was just leaving,” she continues.

”Oh, come on love. Won’t you make me some brekkie first?” He winks.

Vanessa never understood why blokes always get more interested the less keen she is. She supposes she found something about his smarmy demeanour vaguely attractive yesterday, after necking a tray full of shots, but today she can’t remember what it was. 

”It’s lunchtime. And I’m busy,” Vanessa says. ”We have laundry today, don’t we Charity?”

”Yep. Laundry,” Charity agrees, shaking with trying not to laugh. Vanessa pinches her thigh to keep her quiet.

”So that’s it?” Daniel asks, clearly offended by the brush off.

”Yeah. That’s it,” Vanessa replies.

He grumbles something and walks out of the room.

”Bye Dan!” Charity calls after him.

As soon as the door slams behind him, Charity releases her contained laughter.

”You’re cold,” she chuckles. ”I’m impressed, babe. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Vanessa shrugs irritably, and rises from the sofa and moves into the kitchen. Charity follows her.

”What was wrong with him then?” Charity asks. ”He was well fit. Was he bad in bed? The pretty ones always think they don’t need to make an effort,” she muses.

He actually had made an effort, and that had been half the problem.

”I’m not good at the morning after stuff. Why can’t they ever just take the hint and leave?”

”Look at you, aren’t you a player.” Charity hops up to sit on the kitchen counter, swinging her long legs. The oversized t-shirt she’s wearing hikes far up on her thighs. Vanessa looks away. ”What’s wrong?” Charity asks. ”He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Her voice is suddenly sharp.

”No! No, he was alright. Considerate, I guess. But… Do you ever wish they would just… make it quick and then go away?” Vanessa doesn’t know what possesses her. She doesn’t know Charity well enough to talk about this. They barely have normal conversations as it is.

Charity regards her for long moments, looking like she knows what she wants to say but not if she wants to say it.

”Yeah. Yeah, often,” she finally says.

Vanessa is surprised, but also relieved by Charity’s words. If Vanessa is not the only one feeling that way, that might mean she’s not some weird anomaly.

”So that’s normal, then, to feel like you just want it to be over and done with?”

Charity looks sad then, for a moment. ”No,” she says quietly. ”I don’t think it’s supposed to feel like that at all.”

Before she has a chance to ask Charity what she means by that, Charity has left the kitchen.

—

Things thaw a little between them after that.

Vanessa isn’t sure what’s changed, but Charity is suddenly a bit nicer.

And while he isn’t nearly as neat as Rhona, Charity starts to make more of an effort to pick up after herself. Vanessa does her best to accept that some things that are still left laying around. They meet halfway in a sort of silent agreement.

They start sharing meals when they’re both at home. Even though Charity doesn’t cook, she shares her takeaway leftovers. It’s a nice change to the cheap, dreary meals that Vanessa has gotten used to cooking. She’s always prioritized a good party over groceries. Charity seems to like whatever basic meal Vanessa makes, she eats everything and never complains that it’s boring.

Charity can still be stroppy as anything when she’s in that kind of mood, but it doesn’t annoy Vanessa as much anymore. What used to be bickering turns into teasing more often than not.

Sometimes, on the evenings they’re both in, they watch game shows together. Charity loves them, and both impresses and exasperates Vanessa by shouting out the answers as soon as she knows them. They start keeping score and Charity is insufferable when she wins. 

”Take that, swot!” she howls.

”You got lucky.”

”Oh yeah? Are you feeling insecure about that fancy education of yours not buying you some…” Charity taps her forehead.

”Yeah, I’m devastated.” Vanessa rolls her eyes, but the smile wins out..

”Rightly so, babe,” Charity says smugly.

It’s not so bad. It’s definitely better than being alone.

—

”Oi!” Charity yells, ripping Vanessa’s door open.

”What?” Vanessa removes her headphones.

”I’ve been hollering like a mad woman. Phone for you. Ronda or something.”

There’s an unpleasant pinch in Vanessa’s gut. She turns off her walkman and walks to the kitchen to take the call.

”Hello?”

”Hi Ness, it’s me,” Rhona says.

”Hi.”

There’s a long awkward silence where neither of them speak.

”So, was that your new flatmate?” Rhona’s voice is tense with what Vanessa thinks is nerves.

”Yeah. Charity.”

”She’s quite something.”

”You could say that.”

Another silence. Vanessa gets annoyed. She never used to have a short fuse with Rhona, but that has changed.

”Was there actually something? I don’t have all day.”

”I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, Ness. For leaving like I did. It was such an immature reaction, I realise that now.”

Vanessa swallows hard, her throat suddenly hurts. ”I almost lost the flat.”

”I know and I should never have put you in that position in the first place. I’ve regretted it ever since. I wanted to talk to you but I didn’t know how to go about it. You’ve been so off with me.”

”Me?! You’ve barely even looked at me for weeks!”

”I know. I didn’t know how to make things better. But, I just want to say that I’m fine with it, what you told me—”

”I really don’t want to talk about it, Rhona,” Vanessa interrupts. ”It was just some stupid drunken ramble and I don’t want to talk about it ever again, okay? Please.”

”Okay. If that’s what you want.”

”It is.”

”So, can we please get back to being mates, Ness? I really miss you.”

It’s been all Vanessa has wanted since they fell out, for things to return back to normal, and now she doesn’t know if it’s that simple. She does want to try, though. She does miss her best friend, even if she’s not sure she can get over what happened in a hurry.

”Why don’t we invite some people over this weekend? We can be here,” Vanessa suggests. ”Like old times. Bring Pete.”

”Really? Oh, I’d love that Ness!”

”You’ll have to ring round though. I’ll do the shopping.”

—

”I’m having a few people over tomorrow. A party,” Vanessa tells Charity. ”Is that okay?”

”It’s fine. I’ll stay out of your hair.”

”You should join us. It’ll be fun!” She doesn’t think Charity will accept the invitation, but not asking her seems rude.

”What kind of people are we talking about?” Charity asks.

”It’s my classmates mostly. You can meet my best mate Rhona!”

”The one who ditched you to move in with some bloke she’d known for five minutes? Some friend.” 

Vanessa realises that Charity has paid a lot more attention to what’s going on in Vanessa’s life than she had expected.

”We’re moving past all that now,” Vanessa says, feeling a bit defensive.

Charity shrugs like it’s all the same to her. “I’ll be there,” she says, surprising Vanessa again.

—

Vanessa feels oddly nervous about having people over again. They used to host parties for their friends all the time, but it’s the first time since Rhona moved out that she invites them all. 

The way they hug when Rhona and Pete arrive feels stiff and awkward, but Vanessa can tell Rhona wants things to go back to normal too, and Vanessa tries her hardest not to show her discomfort. 

Rhona spends the better part of the evening hiding underneath Pete’s big arm, but Vanessa finds she doesn’t care anymore. She used to resent the way everything changed when Rhona met Pete, but the many weeks of separation has cured her of that. It’s a stark relief that it doesn’t seem to matter to her anymore. And at least she can share the same space with Rhona without it turning frosty. That’s a positive sign.

Charity sips at a can of beer while studying Vanessa’s mates like they’re a flock of animals at the zoo.

Vanessa joins her in her corner, not wanting her to feel left out.

”I thought uni people were supposed to have class,” Charity remarks. ”Guess I was wrong.” Vanessa follows Charity’s gaze towards the lads having a burping contest.

Vanessa laughs. ”Common misconception,” she says, and that earns a quirk of the mouth from Charity.

”Not really my crowd,” she says.

”What are your crowd like then?” Vanessa dares to ask. It’s impossible to pin Charity down, to see her as a part of a group. She’s like a lone satellite, hovering way beyond everyone else, unreachable.

Charity shrugs. ”Not posh kids who’s never had a care in the world.”

”Oi. _I’m_ not posh.”

Charity rolls her eyes.

”I’m not!”

”Whatever.”

Vanessa sighs in exasperation. ”Ugh. Why do you have to be so…”

”What?” Charity challenges. ”Funny? Fabulous? Fantastic?”

”How about frustrating? Antagonistic? Annoying?”

”Maybe you’re just too easy to wind up, ever think about that?” Charity grins.

”Something about you brings it out in me, I guess,” Vanessa snarks back.

”You’re not the first one to say that,” Charity says, her voice low in a way that makes the hair on Vanessa’s neck stand up. 

That’s weird.

”I bet,” Vanessa mumbles. 

—

The night progresses much in the same fashion; Vanessa mingles with her friends, but always finds her way back to Charity’s corner to listen to her increasingly savage commentary about them. Vanessa knows she shouldn’t laugh, but Charity can be very entertaining when she feels like it. Vanessa likes the parts of Charity that she’s started to show lately. It’s fun getting drunk with her.

Charity doesn’t interact much with anyone else and rejects all attempts from any of the lads to chat her up. Quite a few of them try, Charity is quite a looker after all. But she is having none of it. The look of mild disgust on her face intrigues Vanessa.

”Your mate’s no fun, Vanessa!” her classmate Roy shouts across the room.

”I just have standards. And you’re not even close to meeting them,” Charity retorts with a confident flicker of her hair.

The room erupts, and Vanessa laughs too. Roy is one of them guys who thinks he’s god’s gift to women. She likes that Charity isn’t afraid to blow him off. Charity doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything.

”His ego needed a good smackdown,” Vanessa says as she returns to Charity’s side. ”Loads of other guys interested in you, though.”

Charity laughs a little. ”Of course they are.”

Vanessa has never met a woman as confident as Charity is in her own allure. She both envies and is fascinated by it.

”So tell me, are any of them worth the hassle?”

Vanessa looks over the crowd cramped into their tiny living room. Of the lads there, she has snogged most of them at the very least.

”Not really.”

Charity smirks. ”That’s what I thought.”

”So you don’t date much then?” Vanessa asks, the alcohol loosening her tongue and allowing her to ask Charity personal questions for once.

”Who dates?” Charity snorts. ”Do you?”

”I haven’t had a boyfriend since secondary school. We never spoke and two weeks after he asked to be a couple I dumped him via proxy.” The memory makes Vanessa giggle.

”You would have,” Charity shakes her head with a laugh. ”You’re a heartbreaker. I’ll never forget the look on that Dan bloke’s face.”

”His ego was a bit bruised, I think.”

”Good.” Charity holds Vanessa’s gaze for a beat.

”What about your ex then?” Vanessa asks.

”Who?”

”Your boyfriend, the one you lived with before moving in here.” 

”Oh, him.”

”Were you together long?”

”Not very. I don’t feel like talking about it, yeah?”

Vanessa sighs into her beer. As soon as she thinks they are getting somewhere, Charity clams up.

”Alright everyone, let’s go out!” Rhona squeals over the music. 

Everyone shouts in the affirmative.

”Where should we go then?” Kirsten asks.

”Charity, why don’t we go to your bar?” Vanessa suggests excitedly. ”I’ve never been!”

Charity stiffens for a second, but it passes quickly. ”It’s a bit posh for you lot. There’s a dress code and everything. None of us here will get let in looking like this.”

Vanessa frowns. The word posh doesn’t add up with what she’s seen Charity wear when she comes in and out of work. But something in Charity’s eyes makes her decide not to push.

”Aw, that’s a shame,” Vanessa says. ”I guess it’s The Station again then, eh?” she tells her mates who groans. It’s not exactly the most inspired choice, but it’s the best pub this side of town. ”You’re coming?” she asks Charity.

”Yeah, go on then.”

—

As usual for a Friday at The Station, they have to squeeze through a crowd to reach the bar.

Louise is the one serving tonight, Vanessa knows her quite well after being a regular since she moved to the neighborhood. They chat as best they can over the noise while Louise fills the pints. Louise eyes falls to Charity as she joins Vanessa by the bar.

”Charity. Don’t usually see you in here this time of day.” There’s disdain in Louise’s voice. It rubs Vanessa the wrong way.

”She’s with me. I mean us.” Vanessa gestures wildly towards the crowd that somewhere contains her friends.

”Oh. I didn’t know you two knew each other.”

”We’re flatmates,” Vanessa says brightly, throwing her arm around Charity’s shoulders. 

Charity makes a face that Vanessa is a bit too drunk to interpret.

Louise looks genuinely shocked. 

”You’re not serious. You let _her_ move in with you?” She points at Charity while staring at Vanessa.

”Yes, she did. Got something to say about that? _”_ Charity glowers at Louise, who shakes her head faintly. ”Didn’t think so.” Charity grabs two of the pints from the bar. ”Come on, Ness.”

Vanessa follows her with the rest of their drinks. ”What was that about?” she asks.

”Just Louise being a stuck up cow as usual,” Charity says, taking a gulp from her pint.

”That’s weird. She’s usually really nice.”

Charity snorts. ”To you maybe.”

Vanessa wants to ask Charity what she means by that, but she is interrupted by a bloke that starts chatting her up. She isn’t quite drunk enough to stomach his lame attempts at jokes, and turns to talk to Charity instead, but she is gone. Rhona and Pete are entangled in a kiss that is so deep it looks like it would put them both at risk of gagging.

Vanessa sighs and keeps listening to the boring guy talking while drinking her beer.

She shrugs off his offer to get her another drink and squeezes herself back to the bar, getting her pint topped up.

Louise smiles tightly at her, before leaning over the bar. ”I hope you’re careful. With Charity.”

”What do you mean?”

Louise stares at her. ”You don’t know?”

”Know what?”

”That she’s a prozzie!” Louise hisses while filling the pint.

Vanessa feels like the air has been sucked out of her lungs for a second. ”You’re not serious.”

”Deadly. She used to sit in here during the days all the time, keeping warm between the shifts if you catch my drift. I always told Diane she shouldn’t let her hang around here, but you know Diane, she’s a bleeding heart. You look out for yourself. You can’t trust her kind. And I hope she’s not soliciting in here, by the way.”

”She’s here with my friends!” Vanessa exclaims. ”She’s _my friend!”_

Maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, since they’ve just started tolerating each other, but the disdain Louise exudes is so strong that Vanessa wants to rush to Charity’s defense.

”I feel bad for you that she managed to nestle her way into your house without telling you what she really is,” Louise continues. ”I can’t even imagine finding out my flatmate’s a whore.”

”Shut up, Louise!” Vanessa spits. The rage that bubbles out of her is white-hot. ”Don’t talk about her like that, you don’t even know her!” She stomps off, her eyes scanning the crowd, looking for Charity.

”Have anyone seen Charity?” she asks her mates. Everyone shakes their heads. Vanessa leaves them and goes through the whole pub until it’s pretty clear Charity is not there.

”You look a bit pale, Ness,” Rhona says when Vanessa returns to their table. ”You’re not gonna be sick are you?”

”No.” She stares down into her pint. She’s not in the partying mood anymore. The disgust in Louise’s face had shaken her. She wonders how much of that Charity must have experienced in her life. No wonder she’s as prickly as a porcupine most of the time. ”I think I’m going to head home.”

”Awww, why?” Rhona whines, as if she’s been good company tonight. Vanessa just waves at everyone and slips out.

She wasn’t sure she’d find her there, but Charity is parked on the sofa in their living room, nursing a bottle of wine. She looks so lonely, sitting there. So much of Charity makes sense to Vanessa now. It tears at her heart.

”Here you are. You didn’t enjoy yourself?” Vanessa asks.

”Not my crowd, like I told you,” Charity says, taking a swig of the bottle and offering it to Vanessa who accepts it.

She sits beside Charity. She wonders what kind of reaction Louise had expected of her. That she would toss Charity out on the streets again? That’s a terrible thing to hope for.

”They can be pretty annoying.”

”I don’t know how to talk to people like that. Not for real.”

”You can talk to me just fine.”

”Force of habit. You’re here _all the time.”_ Charity rolls her eyes.

”I kind of live here, so…”

Charity smiles a little as they pass the bottle between them. ”That’s a terrible side effect to this flatmate thing.”

”You’re rude.”

”You like it.”

Vanessa huffs. ”You’re not half as amusing as you think you are.”

”Still pretty amusing, right?” 

The teasing tone in Charity’s voice warms Vanessa’s belly. She wants to ask Charity about what Louise told her, but she knows that’d break the moment, and this is as friendly as they’ve ever been. It’s probably not her place either, but she wants so badly to ask Charity if she’s okay, if she’s safe. She can’t bear the thought of her getting hurt. 

”Earth to Vanessa!”

”Sorry. I think I’m a bit drunk,” Vanessa mumbles. She feels her eyes starting to droop.

”Yeah, babe,” Charity laughs. ”Can’t you put on one of your films? Something funny.”

”Why don’t you do it? You can choose.” Vanessa stretches her legs and leans back into the sofa.

Charity looks through the drawer of videotapes before picking one. She puts the tape into the machine. 

”You probably have to rewind it,” Vanessa yawns.

Charity does. ”I didn’t have a VCR growing up,” she says as the swishing sound of the tape rewinding fills the room.

“No?”

”My dad used to say there was enough filth on the telly as it was,” Charity says. ”He had strong opinions about things.”

Charity’s sudden candidness makes Vanessa cautious. Like when you've just got an animal to relax around you and don’t want to spook it into running away.

The film is daft, but they’re both drunk enough for it to be a laugh before they doze off.

—

When Vanessa wakes, it’s still dark except from the white glow of the telly. She rubs at her eyes and listens to Charity snore from the other end of the couch. Vanessa sits up to stretch, and glances over at Charity.

Vanessa has never seen her sleep before. She looks so young and peaceful. Not as she is when she’s awake, always on guard. Vanessa wonders what happened, how she got here. She wishes she could do something to help her, but she knows Charity well enough to know that she wouldn’t take kindly to Vanessa sticking her nose in. She decides she’ll have to wait until Charity trusts her enough to tell her the truth on her own terms. If that day ever comes.

She gathers the blanket in her hands and covers Charity with it, before heading to bed.

—


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knowing, and not saying anything, turns out to be much harder than Vanessa had imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions and hints of violence in this chapter.

**1997**

Knowing, and not saying anything, turns out to be much harder than Vanessa had imagined.

Because it’s so obvious now that she knows. The burden of it is all over Charity’s face some nights. She looks like one more chip has been taken out of her every morning their eyes meet and Charity has been out working. Vanessa sees it and says nothing. It feels wrong.

One particular morning there’s a subtle limp when Charity walks into the kitchen, and Vanessa suddenly can’t be quiet.

”Are you okay?” she asks.

Charity looks startled by the question at first, then her jaw sets.

”I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” There’s a challenge there, like she is daring Vanessa to keep talking.

Vanessa dares. ”I just wanted to tell you, if you ever want to talk about… well, anything. You know where I am.”

”I’m good, thanks,” Charity scoffs while making her brew.

”That’s okay. But, anytime, alright? Day or night.”

”Thought you were studying to be a vet, not a bloody therapist.”

Charity takes her mug and goes back into her room. 

This is perhaps why Vanessa doesn’t push further, even though she feels like she should. The wall that goes up, the signals that couldn’t be clearer: Charity does not want to talk about it. At least not with Vanessa.

It’s starting to take it’s toll though. Vanessa worries when Charity is out, can only ever relax when she’s knows she’s home and safe. She doesn’t sleep well, and keeps listening for Charity’s key in the door when she’s out at night. The knowledge of what Charity has to do to earn her share of rent leaves Vanessa with a sick feeling of guilt. If she wasn’t so completely broke herself, she’d let Charity stay for free in a heartbeat. 

She wants to tell Charity all of this, but doesn’t know if it would be right. She shouldn’t put her own anxieties on Charity. Plus, she feels certain it wouldn’t be well received. So she tries to make the best of the situation. She cooks, includes Charity in all her plans even though she rarely accepts her invitations after that first party. She tries to make Charity feel as home as possible.

They keep watching their quiz shows, keep eating their tea in front of the telly watching films that Vanessa wants to record. It’s all outwardly the same, but not quite, anymore.

—

Vanessa tries to shake the autumn chill as she enters The Station after a full day at the library with Rhona. It’s been good getting back to that routine, they always worked well together and every time they meet, it’s a little less awkward. Vanessa’s head is still buzzing with all the microbiology they’ve been studying, and she’s in desperate need of a pint to wind down.

”Hello, love. It’s been a while.” Diane smiles warmly at her when she hops up on a bar stool. ”The usual?”

”Please,” Vanessa groans. ”I’ve been been studying so much I barely know my own name anymore.”

”I heard you have a new flatmate,” Diane says and places the pint in front of Vanessa. 

”Louise told you?”

Diane nods.

”You’re going to have a go, too? Because I’m really not interested.”

”No. No, pet. I think it’s an admirable thing you’re doing,” Diane says sincerely.

”I’m not trying to be admirable. I just needed a flatmate, and Charity is not a bad one. Nothing’s changed on that score.”

”Well, I for one am glad you feel that way, pet. She’s had a rough time of it, that one,” Diane says.

”She told you that?” Vanessa’s attention is suddenly on high alert. She still knows so little about Charity.

”No. But she’s been coming here for a long time. She used to be one of few customers I’d have here in the mornings. And you learn to read people when you work behind the bar as long as I have. That girl has no one.”

Vanessa feels suddenly moved by the thought of Charity, all alone with nowhere to go but the local pub. 

”If she comes in here—”

”Oh, she rarely does, anymore. Not for a fair while. Since she moved in with you, I reckon.”

”Okay, but  _ if.  _ Don’t tell her I know, please?”

”You haven’t told her?”

Vanessa shakes her head. ”She’s got a lot of integrity. I don’t want to overstep. She can tell me when she’s ready.”

Diane looks at her, faintly amused. ”You’re very unusual, pet. Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.”

—

Vanessa is pulling an all nighter, still trying to stuff as much advanced microbiology into her brain as possible before the exam. All her books and notes lay unfolded on the coffee table and she startles as the front door opens and Charity stumbles inside with a napkin pressed to her brow. It’s soaked through with blood.

”Charity!” Vanessa exclaims, on her feet immediately. ”What’s happened?”

”Do you have a plaster or something?” Charity asks through gritted teeth. She’s calm, despite the blood.

”Did someone do this to you?” Vanessa asks, even though she instinctively knows the answer already.

”Just an angry punter. From the bar.” 

Vanessa knows that’s not true, but now is not the time to get into all that.

”Did you call the police?”

”It’s sorted. He won’t be coming back.”

”Let me look at it,” Vanessa demands, and unusually Charity obeys, removing the bloody napkin from the wound. It’s quite deep, Vanessa can tell immediately, and it’s bleeding copiously still. ”We need to get you to A&E.”

”No!” Charity exclaims. ”It barely even hurts.”

”You need stitches!”

”I… I don’t like hospitals.” Charity’s voice trembles, the outwardly calm exterior cracking a little.

”Charity. You’ll have quite a bad scar if that doesn’t get taken care of properly,” Vanessa says sternly. 

Charity bites at her lip, looking like she might cry. ”Can’t you do it?”

_ ”Me?!” _

”You’re a vet, aren’t you?”

”I’m just a student!”

”But you know how to do it, don’t you?”

”On a cat or a pig, yeah, but not how to make it look good on a human face. And I don’t have all the gear we need anyway.”

”Can’t you just tape it up or something?” Charity nearly sobs.

Vanessa takes Charity’s hands in a steady grip, doing her best to sound as calm and reassuring as possible. ”We’re going to the A&E to get you sorted properly. I’ll come with you, okay? It’ll be fine.”

—

Charity starts to shake as soon as they close in on the entrance of the A&E. Her grip on Vanessa’s hand tightens.

They don’t have to wait very long before they get to see a tired looking doctor with his glasses stuck to his forehead.

”Quite the nasty gash you’ve got there, love,” he says while inspecting Charity’s wound. ”How did this happen then, hmm?”

”Fell over,” Charity mumbles.

The doctor just hums and goes about his business. He’s skilled with the needle and Vanessa can’t help but admire his technique even though she didn’t like his tone of voice when he spoke to Charity. As soon as he’d taken note of Charity’s outfit under the coat, a certain judgmental pinch had appeared around his mouth. Vanessa wanted to slap it off him.

Ten quick stitches later, he puts a bandage over the wound and gives Charity instructions of how to keep it clean. Charity looks like she can’t hear a word he’s saying.

”Try to think of another way to make a living, eh girls,” he calls after them, and Vanessa glares back at him.

Charity throws up in the nearest bin outside the hospital.

”You okay?” Vanessa asks, patting Charity’s back soothingly.

”Fine.” Charity shrugs Vanessa’s hand off. ”Don’t fuss, alright?”

—

Charity collapses on the sofa when they come back home. She looks exhausted but she seems calmer now that they’re out of the hospital.

”Does it hurt?” Vanessa asks.

Charity shakes her head, touching the bandage. ”It’s still numb.”

Vanessa sits down on the coffee table, facing Charity.

”Do you want to tell me what really happened?”

”I did tell you. I fell.”

For a beat, Vanessa considers playing along with the charade, but she can’t anymore. Not after this.

”No. That’s what you told the doctor. You told me it was an angry punter at the bar.”

”Oh. Well. I was confused, wasn’t I.”

”Charity,” Vanessa says carefully. She uses her softest voice, the one she uses when she tries to soothe a stressed animal.”I know you don’t work at a bar.”

”Oh, yeah?” Charity chuckles angrily.

”Yeah.”

”How’d you figure that one out then?” Charity asks, her eyes blazing under the bandage.

”Louise told me.”

”Of course that sour-faced witch would say something. Louise doesn’t know anything about me,” Charity spits. ”She’s just a judgmental cow sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong.”

”But it’s true, right? That you’re…”

Charity is up from the sofa in a flash, suddenly towering over Vanessa.

”What? A slag? A whore?”

”Charity…”

”Fine. Yeah, it’s true.” Charity stares at Vanessa, her eyes dark. ”I’m scraping by by letting men do whatever to me for money. I have since I was 14. Are you happy now?”

”14?” Vanessa gasps. ”Charity, I can’t even imagine…”

”Oh, spare me the pity, Vanessa!”

”It’s not pity!” Vanessa exclaims.

”Yeah, it is! It’s all over your face. I don’t need pity or judgment from someone like you, with your perfect background and university education! You’ve had everything served to you on a plate. You have no idea what my life is like.”

The door to Charity’s room slams so hard Vanessa thinks the hinges will break. The silence left behind is deafening.

—

She knocks on Charity’s door the next morning. She waits, but there’s no answer. Vanessa sighs and walks back into the kitchen. She’s made a full breakfast as a way to mend fences. Maybe that was a stupid idea.

”Hey.”

Vanessa turns and sees Charity lingering in the doorway. There’s a dark bruise floating out from under the bandage at her brow. It’s started dropping down to rest around Charity’s eye.

”Hey. How’s the head?”

”I’ll live.” Charity stares at the plates of food on the table. ”You’re having guests?”

”It’s for you. Us.”

Charity sighs. ”Just give it to me straight, Vanessa. I’ll pack my stuff.”

”What? No!” Vanessa realises Charity thinks she’s done all this to dampen the blow when she asks her to move out. ”It’s just food. A peace offering, if you like.”

Charity frowns. ”But you haven’t done anything. I’m the one who yelled at you.”

”Yeah. My ears are still ringing.” Vanessa smiles. ”Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed you. It wasn’t the time.”

”So you don’t want me out of here?”

”No, ‘course not.”

Charity looks suspicious, but sits down to eat. They eat in silence. Charity keeps her eyes fixed at the food, avoiding looking at Vanessa directly.

Eventually, Vanessa can’t keep quiet any longer.

”Why didn’t you tell me?”

”Would you have let me move in if I had?”

”I… I don’t know.”

Charity chuckles under her breath.

”Okay. Probably not,” Vanessa admits.

”There’s your answer then.”

”It’s different, I know you now.”

”You do, do you?” The retort lacks the usual bite so Vanessa ignores it.

”So what happened? Really?” 

She half expects Charity to blow up at her again, but she doesn’t. She brushes some crumbs off her mouth, and speaks.

”It was this bloke. He’s got a bad reputation among the girls. He wanted me to go with him, I told him no way. He grabbed me. He shouldn’t have done that.” There’s a slight smile at the corner of Charity’s mouth. ”He probably ended up looking even worse than me. I’m pretty sure he’s missing a few teeth this morning.”

Vanessa is momentarily stunned by Charity’s sudden candour, and the way she seems so casual about being exposed to violence like that, like it’s a normal occurrence.

”Does things like that happen often?”

”From time to time. They’re all scum one way or the other but some are worse than others. You have to be ready to defend yourself.”

Vanessa nods dumbly. Maybe Charity is right. She’s been too sheltered to understand any of this.

”Have you ever tried stopping?” she asks, hearing herself how naive she sounds.

Charity laughs bitterly. ”Sure. But as it turns out, people aren’t exactly getting in line to hire an old slapper who dropped out of school at 13. When you’re cold and hungry there aren’t that many options.”

”What about your family?”

”My dad wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire. I’ve lost touch with the rest of my family.” The shadows that thread over Charity’s face makes Vanessa’s heart ache. ”I told you I don’t want pity,” Charity sighs.

”I didn’t say anything!”

”You need to control your face better, babe. It’s doing all sorts of things right now.”

”Sorry,” Vanessa says sheepishly. ”I just care. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Charity searches Vanessa’s face and then shakes her head in wonder. 

”You’re a strange one, aren’t you?”

”How?”

”Most people would have me out on my ear after finding out what I do. I know that from experience.”

”I would never do that. I mean, you’re gobby and moody and not to mention a slob, but you’re also my friend.”

”I am?” Charity looks genuinely taken aback at the idea.

”’Course you are, you daft mare. And I understand why you didn’t tell me. I just wish I could help. I’m worried you’ll get hurt again.” She puts her hand over Charity’s.

”Yeah, well.” Charity clears her throat, looking both uncomfortable and confused. ”Don’t worry, yeah?” she says and awkwardly pats Vanessa’s hand before letting go of it. ”I can’t work like this.” Charity gestures to her face. ”It’s going to attract the wrong types, thinking I let them do things like this to me. So you can rest easy for a bit, yeah.”

The irony of Charity reassuring her in this situation is not lost on Vanessa, but she’ll take it anyway.

—

Charity stays home while the wound heals. They see much more of each other. 

It’s nice. There seems to be quite a bit of relief in Charity, that the truth is out, and she talks more freely about herself. Vanessa enjoys that a lot.

When they’re not spending time together, Charity seems to spend most her time with her nose in a puzzle book. She’s obsessed with crosswords and starts to borrow Vanessa’s dictionary to crack especially difficult puzzles. Vanessa likes looking at her like that, completely engrossed in what she’s doing.

Charity seems so much lighter, somehow, these few weeks. Like there’s a literal weight lifted off her. She is less broody and easier to make smile. Vanessa hates thinking about what that means, and how much the work affects her.

One time, Charity even makes an effort to cook tea for them. Vanessa catches Charity staring down into the pan when she gets home from a late class.

”It’s supposed to be an omelet,” Charity says with a grimace.

Vanessa bites down a laugh when she glimpses the sad mess in the pan. ”Maybe it tastes good? I’m starving!”

They taste it gingerly and both burst into laughter at the same time. 

”I’m sorry Charity, but that’s really disgusting,” Vanessa chokes. ”What did you do to it?”

”I have no idea!” Charity laughs.

”I think we have some beans in the cupboard,” Vanessa says. ”I’m not eating that even if you pay me.”

”Oi! I was trying to make an effort here!” Charity exclaims.

”You can eat it if you want.”

Charity takes another tiny bite and shudders as she swallows. ”Nah, you’re alright.”

—

It’s strange how much you can change your opinion about someone. Vanessa spent the first few weeks resenting having to share her space with Charity, but she has started to enjoy and rely on her presence. She’s a strange mix of energetic and lazy, Charity is. Her presence can both be calming and invigorating.

The apartment truly start to feel like  _ theirs,  _ and Vanessa likes that familial feeling.

The phone rings one day. ”I’ll take it,” Vanessa tells Charity. She walks to the kitchen to answer the phone, and glances at the caller id. It’s her mother. She never rings. Vanessa closes the door to the living room. ”Mum?”

“How did you know it was me?” her mother asks.

“I have caller id.” 

They usually speak once a month. It’s always Vanessa who rings, never her mum. The clear break in pattern worries Vanessa.

“That’s not the way to answer the phone”, her mum scolds, ignoring the explanation. “What if I’d been someone else!”

“Sorry,” Vanessa says, deciding there’s no point in trying to argue. ”Has something happened?”

Vanessa’s question goes completely ignored, as well. “How’s school?”

This is the standard question each time they talk. Has been for years, ever since Vanessa started to get good grades and realised that was a way to get her mother’s attention, even if just for a little while. Maybe nothing’s up. Maybe her mum just rang to check in. The thought makes Vanessa surprisingly happy.

Vanessa tells her mum about her latest exams, that she’s doing well, her mother humming with approval. Vanessa knows this is what her mum wants to hear. She likes it when Vanessa does well for herself. She can tell people about her daughter excelling at university, and have it reflect well on her as a mother. Vanessa has long since let go of the illusion that she actually cares beyond that. But she called on her own, and that’s something, isn’t it?

“So, about Christmas,” her mother begins.

“Yeah, what about it?” Vanessa kind of dreads going home for Christmas. It’s not the same since her nana passed a few years back, she always made Christmas feel special. The last few years it’s been her, mum and Phil staring at the telly in silence for hours on end.

“Philip and I have decided we’ll go to Gran Canaria over Christmas and New Year.” 

“Oh.”

“Philip’s had a promotion at work and we thought we’d treat ourselves. I know you’re so busy with school, you won’t mind.” No part of that last statement is a question.

“‘Course not.” Vanessa swallows.

“You’re welcome to come watch the house for us, if you like,” her mum adds, like she’s making a demand and offering a generous gift all at once.

Vanessa suddenly feels like crying. Which doesn’t make sense. It’s not like she’s been looking forward to Christmas that much. But she can’t help but feel like her mum has been waiting for this, to have an excuse to not have to see her at all.

“I actually don’t think I will. Like you say, I’ve got so much on at school and I need to be close to the library. You know how it is.” Vanessa bites the inside of her cheek hard to keep her voice steady.

“That’s a shame. We’re worried about burglars, of course,” her mum says. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Like anyone would break into their tiny house. Like there’s anything worth stealing in there. She wants to tell her mum exactly that, because she knows something like that would hurt her mum’s feelings. She doesn’t. “I have to go now, or I’ll be late for class,” she lies.

“Alright, if you’re sure,” her mum says in that way that lets Vanessa know she’s displeased with her. “Merry Christmas, then.”

“Merry Christmas, mum,” Vanessa mumbles. It’s still weeks left. She supposes they won’t speak more before then.

\--

“So what are your plans for Christmas?” Vanessa asks as casually as she can manage.

Charity looks up with a frown. Then she shrugs nonchalantly like she does when she wants to give the impression that she doesn’t care.

“Not going home to Yorkshire, then?” Vanessa presses.

“You need to ask?” Charity rolls her eyes.

There’s a tiny little flare of hope in Vanessa’s chest. The thought of spending Christmas all alone hurts. Every year since starting uni, she’s dreaded going home to celebrate, but the prospect of not having anyone to spend it with is more upsetting than she could have imagined.

“Would you fancy spending it here, with me?”

Charity’s frown turns into a deep scowl. “I don’t need a pity invite, Vanessa.”

“It’s not a pity invite! At least not for you. I don’t have any plans of my own. It was just a suggestion.”

Charity looks at her, like she’s weighing her in her mind. Like she doesn’t quite believe her.  _ “You  _ don’t have any plans? You, Miss Popular?”

”Forget I asked,” Vanessa sighs and walks into the kitchen, starting to sort out a pile of dishes that’s been there since this morning. She’s not going to beg Charity. She’s not that pathetic.

A while later, she feels Charity hovering behind her.

”You’re upset,” Charity says.

”I’m not.”

”Yeah, you are. You always start slamming things around in here when you’re upset.”

Charity leans back against the sink, subtly pushing Vanessa away from the dishes with her hip.

”What is it?”

Vanessa looks down at her soaked hands. “My mum and stepdad are going away for the holidays,” she mumbles. ”So I don’t have anywhere I else to be, really, other than here.”

“But you have loads of friends.”

”No one I could ask to crash their Christmas.”

”What about Rhona?”

”No.” A year ago, she probably could have asked Rhona. But thinks are different now, even though they’re friends again.

”Well,” Charity says. ”Seems like you’re stuck with me then.”

Vanessa looks up. ”Yeah?”

”Yeah.”

Vanessa feels her face break into a huge grin. “It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Since we’ll both just be here anyway, we might as well make a proper Christmas dinner, don’t you think?”

”Reel in the excitement, babe.” Charity rolls her eyes, but her smile is fond.

”No way, we have to plan!” Vanessa rushes to get a notepad and a pen and sits at the table. ”Sit. Now we have to go through everything we need.”

Charity groans dramatically, but still sits down, indulging Vanessa. 

—


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas at the apartment.

**1997**

Vanessa drags her old Christmas tree out of the attic and manages to persuade Charity to decorate it with her. Charity pretends to be put out, but she still does as she’s told and takes care of the highest branches that Vanessa can’t reach without getting a chair.

Vanessa admires their work. It’s amazing what a little tinsel can do to get you into the right Christmas spirit. To top it off, she hangs two stockings on the doorframe.

”You’re not expecting me to put anything in there, are you?” Charity asks, pointing at the stockings.

”Don’t worry about it. I might put something in yours though.” Vanessa has already gotten a gift for Charity.

There’s a brief gleam of interest in Charity’s eyes. ”That’s for kids, babe,” she says dismissively, but Vanessa is already onto her.

”If you say so.”

—

“Do you know how to cook a turkey?” Charity asks.

They stare at the bird before them. They’re both so strapped for cash they’ve had to trim down Vanessa’s extravagant dinner plans to a minimum, but turkey was something they couldn’t compromise on. They got the smallest bird they could find.

“I can read a recipe.”

”Nerd,” Charity grins.

Vanessa searches through the recipe, trying to memorize all the stages, then she starts to delegate. She puts Charity in charge of the potatoes and the stuffing. Charity is clumsy and awkward in the kitchen, but Vanessa lets her do her thing without taking over too much. 

“Did your mum cook a lot?” Vanessa asks lightly, while cutting carrots.

“Dunno. She died when I was little. My dad didn’t cook, we mostly ate stuff out of cans.”

Vanessa nods at that little piece of information, deciding not to pry further, or even express condolences. Charity always seems to clam up extra hard when Vanessa seems to feel bad for her. Even though she is a lot more forthcoming now, every little piece of information Charity lets out feels like a hard won prize to Vanessa.

“My mum didn’t like me hovering in the kitchen. But my nan was a great cook. She taught me how to bake. But never how to stuff a turkey properly.” Vanessa eyes the description in the book. It seems fairly straight forward.

“Aren’t you used to shoving your hand up animal bums?” Charity asks with a grin.

“Hey, cheeky! Don’t stereotype.” She waves her wooden spoon in Charity’s direction and Charity flicks some water at her, making her shriek and chase Charity around the kitchen.

—

The turkey turns out pretty good. Not as good as her nan used to make it, but Vanessa is proud all the same. Charity glows with pride when Vanessa compliments the taste of the stuffing. 

“It wasn’t that hard,” Charity says with feigned nonchalance, without being able to hide how pleased she is.

Something about it makes Vanessa’s heart squeeze. She doesn’t think Charity is used to being told she’s done something right, judging by the way she is constantly on the defense and lights up at any little comment of praise. Maybe she is as starved for positive attention as Vanessa is. Probably even more so. For the first time, Vanessa thinks they might be more alike than she ever imagined.

“This, I know how to make,” Charity says with a wink and goes on to make the best eggnog Vanessa has ever tasted. It warms Vanessa up after dinner.

“My dad is more about the liquid delights of Christmas,” Charity muses.

“Is he a drinker?” Vanessa dares to ask.

“Understatement of the century.” Charity’s jaw sets, like it always does when she is about to shut a conversation down.

”My dad’s in prison,” Vanessa reveals. For some reason Vanessa wants Charity to know that her life isn’t actually perfect either. ”Or he was, last I heard.”

Charity looks surprised. ”What did he do?”

”Fleeced someone most likely. I’m not sure. It’s usually what he does. We haven’t spoken in a while.” 

”You don’t want to talk to him?”

There was a time where Vanessa’s whole life was about longing for her dad, waiting for him to come back and get her. To save her from the grey dreariness of her life alone with her mother. She’s older now, and her idolizing of him has faded into a constant feeling of disappointment.

”I probably would if he ever called me. I don’t even know what prison he’s in.”

Charity nods slowly, like she gets it.

”Now I get to ask something,” Vanessa says.

”I didn’t realise this was a trade off.”

”Are you going to be difficult about this?” Vanessa asks sternly.

”Bossy. Fine, ask then.”

”What about the rest of your family? You’ve mentioned them. You don’t get along?”

”Let’s say that my extended family is on the dodgy side of the spectrum. Always some scam going, stealing cars, robbing, anything illegal is fair game. But they draw the line at selling yourself to survive. They think I’m a disgrace.”

There it is again, that pretend air of indifference that Charity puts on. For every little piece that Charity reveals about herself, Vanessa feels more for her.

”So what do you want to do when you’re done with uni?” Charity asks, clearly steering the conversation in another direction.

Vanessa thinks for a while. ”I think I’d most like to work with farm animals.”

”Why?” Charity looks like she can’t imagine anything worse. ”Why the big smelly ones and not the cute furry ones?”

Vanessa laughs. ”Ideally, I’d do a bit of both. I just really love the farm atmosphere and the animals.”

”Even gross ones like pigs?”

”Pigs are very clever and clean, I’ll have you know!”

”Clever maybe, but you can’t say they’re clean babe. My uncle’s got pigs and you can smell them a mile away.” Charity makes a gag face.

Vanessa squashes down an urge to give a lecture about the cleaning habits of pigs. ”Well, I happen to like pigs. And I don’t think I could stand just working with small pets. Pet owners can be  _ very _ high maintenance.” 

”The crazy cat ladies, eh?”

”The ones with small dogs seems to be the worst, at least from what I’ve seen. Them and the reptile enthusiasts.”

”I can believe that.” Charity refills their empty glasses.

”So what would you want to do if you could do anything you wanted?” Vanessa asks. She hopes that’s not insensitive to ask.

”Dunno. I reckon my best bet is to marry some rich mug. Maybe open up a bar somewhere, where I’d be the boss.”

”I think you could do that without having to marry some rich mug for it.”

”Sure I could, babe.” Charity rolls her eyes.

”I think you could do anything you set your mind to,” Vanessa insists.

”Jesus, Vanessa give it a rest with the pep talk!” Charity sighs. ”There’s only one thing I’m good for and I’m going back to it. Now that my face’s healed there’s no excuse not to.”

Vanessa knew this day would come eventually, even though they’ve both pretended otherwise. There’s only a pink little scar over Charity’s brow now, and Vanessa knows there can’t be much money left of the little stash that Charity had saved. Charity has seemed more content than ever before these weeks. It’s been a joy to be around her. Vanessa can’t stand the thought of Charity going back to something that affects her so badly.

”It’s  _ not _ all you’re good for!” Vanessa scrambles to her feet. ”Charity, please don’t go back to it.”

”That’s so easy for you to say, isn’t it? I need money for food and rent.”

”I’ll pay rent!” Vanessa declares fiercely.

”Don’t be daft, Ness. You can’t afford that.”

”I can this month! I can borrow textbooks off Rhona for this next course and I might be able to get a loan off my mum.” It’s not the most realistic plan Vanessa’s ever hatched, but there’s no one else to ask other than her mother.

”And then what?”

”Then we have time to figure out what to do.”

”Babe, I know you mean well in your own way. But I’ll have to go back out there eventually. And the longer I wait, the harder it’s going to be. So please don’t make it harder, yeah?”

Charity is unusually subdued when she speaks. Vanessa thinks she sees a sheen of tears over her eyes gleaming in the light from the candles. It makes Vanessa want to cry too.

”I don’t want to make things harder for you. I want to help.”

”I know you do. But you can’t, alright? It is what it is.”

”It doesn’t have to be. Charity.” Vanessa puts her hand over Charity’s, grabbing it, willing her to hear her. ”You are worth so much more than you think you are.”

”Ness,” Charity sighs. ”Please don’t lecture me on things you don’t understand.”

It’s not the words as much as the lone tear Charity wipes away with the sleeve of her shirt that makes Vanessa quiet. And because it’s true. She doesn’t understand any of this. She is desperate to help fix it, somehow. But she has no idea how.

”Okay,” she says. ”I’m sorry.”

”It’s alright. Let’s just leave it for now, yeah? It’s not time yet.” Charity squeezes Vanessa’s fingers while looking away. 

”If you’re sure.”

Charity nods. ”Aren’t you going to check your stocking?”

”You got me something?”

”No, it was Santa.” Charity rolls her eyes dramatically.

Vanessa hadn’t even thought to check, but there’s clearly something in there. She fishes out the packet, shaking it for effect even thought she can clearly feel through the awkwardly wrapped paper, that it’s a mug. She opens it carefully. It’s a plain white mug with the text  _ I’m not bossy! I just know what you should be doing. _

”This is how you see me, is it?” Vanessa goes for fake offense but can’t help but laugh.

_ ” _ You can’t really argue with it, can you?” Charity grins.

”Ehhh, I guess not,” Vanessa chuckles. ”Thank you. Now get yours!”

Charity’s eyes glows when she gets her small present out of the stocking. She isn’t slow like Vanessa, she rips the little box open and stares at the contents.

It’s a cuff bracelet with an intricate pattern. 

”Wow,” Charity says.

”It’s not real silver or anything, before you get too excited,” Vanessa babbles, suddenly feeling a bit bashful. It wasn’t expensive, but maybe you aren’t meant to give your flatmate jewelry, or think about how pretty it would look on her delicate wrist.

Charity puts it on and admires it. ”It’s really cool. Thank you. Makes me feel a bit bad about that shitty mug, though.”

”Don’t be, I love it!” Vanessa exclaims. ”Now everyone knows who’s boss around here.”

”Like anyone could forget.” 

They sit close together while watching  _ Home Alone _ and get drunk on the rest of the eggnog, giggling their way through the whole thing. 

”Hey Ness,” Charity murmurs half way through the film. ”This is a brilliant Christmas.” 

Charity’s smile is so serene that Vanessa’s heart makes strange leaps in her chest, like it’s a bird trapped in a cage.

”It is.” It’s the best Christmas Vanessa’s had in years. ”We did good, right?” Vanessa holds up her hand to offer it in a high five. 

Charity stares at it. ”You’re such a dork, babe.” She still slaps Vanessa’s hand.

—

They laze around the entire week, neither of them having anywhere to be. All of Vanessa’s friends have gone home over Christmas, but she doesn’t mind being stuck with just Charity. For some reason they don’t get on each other’s nerves. She never would have thought that Charity would be such a positive presence in her life, considering how everything she did annoyed her to begin with. Sometimes you just get used to people, Vanessa guesses.

By the end of the week, Rhona is back in town and they decide to go out with a bunch of Pete’s friends on New Years Eve. Vanessa invites Charity to tag along and she reluctantly agrees, but when she doesn’t come out of her room that morning, Vanessa eventually knocks on her door.

The room is dark. Charity is curled up in her bed, her face towards the wall.

”Are you sick?” Vanessa asks.

”Yeah, I don’t feel great,” Charity replies, her voice thick. ”I don’t think I can make it tonight.”

She stays in bed all day, not eating and just coming out to go to the bathroom. Come afternoon Vanessa starts to worry.

”Do you want me to get you anything?” she whispers quietly so she won’t wake Charity if she’s asleep.

”No. I just need to get through today. I’ll feel better tomorrow.”

”You want me to stay home?” When she says it, she realises she doesn’t just offer it to be polite, she genuinely wouldn’t mind staying in with Charity on New Years Eve. She must be losing her mind. She never used to turn down a good party.

”No, don’t be daft. You go out, babe. I’ll be fine.”

—

Rhona and Pete and a few of his friends meet her at The Station for drinks. Pete’s mates aren’t as picky as their uni friends, and have no complaints about spending a few quid there.

Vanessa can only afford beer so she sticks to that. Everyone else has gotten some money off their parents for Christmas. Vanessa’s mother haven’t even sent her a card or called since she informed her about her trip.

She is just starting to get into the groove when she passes the bulletin board by the side of the bar. Vanessa’s eyes are instantly drawn to it one particular note.

_ HIRING: NEW BAR STAFF _

She practically wrestles her way towards the bar. ”You’re looking for a new barmaid?” Vanessa asks Diane.

Diane’s got on a sparkly dress and a big diadem with  _ 1998 _ on it.

”I am. Louise is moving to London with her fella. Why, you have someone in mind for me, love?”

”Yes!” Vanessa exclaims. ”Yes, I have the perfect candidate!”

”Who?”

”Charity!”

_ ”Charity?”  _ Diane’s face falls. ”Oh, I don’t know pet.”

”Why not? I think she’d be brilliant.” Vanessa stares at Diane, silently challenging her to say something derogatory about Charity.

”I think you know why I’m hesitating,” Diane tells Vanessa with a pointed look.

”Charity is very reliable,” Vanessa says fiercely.

”What kind of credentials does she have?”

”Credentials? What kind of credentials did Louise have when you hired her, other than her looks?” She’s a bit drunk, which makes her less polite than usual.

Diane purses her lips. ”She’s got a right gob on her, does Charity.”

”Well, people love a barmaid with a bit of sass in her, don’t they?”

”I don’t know…”

”Please, Diane,” Vanessa begs. ”Let her try. Didn’t you say yourself she just needs someone to give her a break? Please, please, please! She really deserves a chance, at least.”

”Oh, alright,” Diane groans. ”But only for a trial shift. I’m not promising anything.”

”Brilliant. That’s brilliant!” Vanessa throws her arms around Diane over the bar, then bounces up and down with excitement. ”You won’t regret it, I know it!”

**1998**

Vanessa practically floats on air at midnight, she’s feeling so positive she thinks she could kiss everyone in the pub. One of Pete’s friends, the one with the long hair who’s name always escapes her, has been buying her cocktails. Then they go out clubbing and all of a sudden she’s going home with that bloke, who turns out to still live with his mum. 

The only thing to say about the sex is that it’s thankfully quick. She sneaks out of his room as soon as he starts to snore, praying she won’t run into his mother and cursing the fact that she’ll have to see him again at some point because he’s Pete’s friend. 

She always imagined notches in your bedpost were supposed to feel good, not this depressing and hollow. The older she’s gotten, the worse it’s become. The worst part is that she thinks she knows why that is.

She tiptoes into the apartment as quietly as she can manage. She doesn’t want to wake Charity if she’s still feeling sick. Despite being careful, she almost topples over when she takes off her shoes. When she passes the living room on her way to take a quick shower, she spots Charity fast asleep on the sofa.

There’s an empty bottle of wine on the floor beside her. She is curled into a little ball. The moonlight falls in through the window, beautifully framing Charity’s face. Vanessa’s gaze lingers on her features. There are streaks of tears on her cheeks that almost glow under the moonlight. Even in sleep, she looks pained. In her hand, pressed to her face is a tiny blue hat.

—

Vanessa had a hard time falling asleep after what she’d seen. The conclusion seems obvious; Charity has got a child somewhere. A child she can’t be with. Vanessa has so many questions, but knowing Charity she can only imagine how off limits this will be.

”Didn’t hear you come in last night?” Charity mutters where she sits, hunched over the kitchen table.

”I wasn’t in till five.”

”You pulled?”

”Ugh, yeah,” Vanessa grimaces, and Charity doesn’t tease her like she normally does. She just looks at her, almost sadly. It makes Vanessa feel exposed, like Charity knows how she feels about it. ”Are you feeling better?” she asks.

”Yeah. Must have been a 24 hour bug or something,” Charity says.

They drink their tea in silence. Vanessa doesn’t know what to say, because her mind is filled with the image of Charity last night, clutching that tiny knitted hat.

She doesn’t mention it.

”I’m going out tonight,” Charity says while she washes her cup. ”Back to work.”

”What?”

”It’s time.” Charity shrugs. ”It’s been a nice little holiday but it’s time to get back to reality.”

”Charity, you don’t have to do that.” Vanessa had been so distracted that she almost forgot about Diane’s promise.

”This is déjà vu. We’ve already had this conversation.”

”No, I mean you might not have to at all!”

”Ness, what are you talking about?” Charity sighs.

”Get this: Diane needs a new barmaid at The Station and she said she’d give you a trial shift!” Vanessa reveals, grinning from ear to hear.

Charity stares at her.

”Oh, she said that? She just spontaneously offered me a job?”

”Well, no. I asked her.”

”I didn’t ask you to do that.”

”I know, but I saw that they were looking for someone to replace Louise and that’d be perfect for you, wouldn’t it?”

”Yeah, I bet Diane thought so too,” Charity snorts.

Vanessa doesn’t understand why this conversation is going straight down the toilet, or why Charity seems mad.

”Did she?” Charity demands.

”Well, um. Maybe she took some convincing.”

Charity laughs bitterly. 

”But she said you could do a trial shift this week,” Vanessa repeats. ”That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

”Let me get this straight. You hassled Diane into giving me a shift and she agreed so she can feel better about herself for helping out one of the downtrodden. She’s never going to hire me!”

”You don’t know that!”

”I do know that, because no one ever does anything if they don’t get anything out of it,” Charity yells. “So what about you Vanessa? What are you getting out of this?”

”I… I just want to help.” Vanessa stumbles over the words. They seem so inadequate compared to what she’s feeling.

”I’m not some project you can use to make yourself feel better about your own sorry little life.”

”That’s not what I’m doing!” Vanessa feels her throat close up.

”Isn’t it? So you did it so you won’t have to have a slapper as a flatmate anymore?” 

”No! You know I don’t think like that.” Vanessa can see on Charity’s face she doesn’t believe it. ”It’s about worrying about you!” The lump in Vanessa’s throat grows. ”Caring about if you get beat up, like last time!”

”I wasn’t beat up! I just head butted some arsehole and his teeth got me at the wrong angle!”

”Yeah, that sounds so much safer!” Vanessa cries. She takes a deep breath. She’s not getting anywhere if she lets Charity turn this into a fight. ”Listen, I know how much you hate it. I know.”

”You have no idea,” Charity says through gritted teeth. ”You can’t even imagine.”

”You’re right. I can’t. But I do care about what it’s doing to you. If there’s a way out, why not take it?”

Charity glowers at her but Vanessa doesn’t back down.

”Charity. What are you so afraid of? This could be a good thing.”

Charity laughs again. The sound is hollow, almost haunting. ”I’ll tell you. I’m afraid of hoping for something better than my shitty life. I’ve made the mistake of trusting someone who claimed he wanted to help me before. Worst mistake of my life, and that’s saying something.”

”What happened?”

Charity looks almost startled at the question.

”It… he…”

Vanessa notices then, that tears are streaming down Charity’s face. She isn’t sobbing, she tries to furiously wipe them away, but they just keep falling, seemingly against her will.

”Charity?” Vanessa comes closer and puts her hand on Charity’s arm. Charity flinches a little.

”I’m sorry,” Charity says, who rarely apologises for anything. ”It’s the New Year, it’s making me totally unbalanced.”

”Hey,” Vanessa murmurs. ”You can tell me anything, no judgment. I hope you know that by now.”

Charity’s face softens. She seems to struggle with herself for long moments. ”It’s… You won’t think anything of me if I tell you.”

”Hey,” Vanessa squeezes Charity’s arm. ”I think the world of you.”

Charity scoffs.

”I do.”

”I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

”Start from the beginning.”

—

When Charity starts to tell her story, it’s as if there’s no way of stopping the words flowing. She tells Vanessa of her dad, how he’d treated her like she was dirt on his shoe. Of Cain, her older cousin she had a crush on. Of how she didn’t even properly know how babies were made, until she was expecting one. Of Deborah, with her tiny little hands and dark eyes. How she was taken from Charity and how her father threw her out shortly after. Of how no one in her family would put up with an angry hurt child for long. How she eventually had nowhere to go but to the streets. And then of the policeman, Bails. Who tricked and manipulated her, used and abused her. 

And of a second pregnancy, and a son who was born on New Years Eve but did not make it.

”Bet you think the world of me now,” Charity sniffs, when she’s done. She wipes her nose with the long sleeve of her hoodie.

Vanessa cheeks are wet with tears, too. She has never felt tenderness for anyone as she does for Charity in that moment.

”I think you’re amazing,” she says, searching for Charity’s eyes and finally Charity looks back at her. ”You hear me?”

She puts her arm around Charity and lets her cry.

—


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa continues to support Charity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing chapter summaries is the hardest thing. These are starting to sound like the vague press spoilers for Emmerdale, the ones that say absolutely nothing of what actually goes on in an episode. That's basically the case here too, lol. Please enjoy anyway. :)

**1998**

Charity’s eyes are puffy and red, and she blows her nose in a napkin Vanessa offers her. She cried for a long time, clinging to Vanessa like she was her only lifeline during a shipwreck. All Vanessa could do was to hold on and let her.

”I never told anyone about any of that,” Charity says quietly.

”Maybe you needed to,” Vanessa says. 

She’s still overwhelmed by it all. The things Charity has told her are things she couldn’t ever have imagined. She’d understood that Charity hadn’t lived an easy life, considering she told her that she’d been on the streets since she was 14, but all the cruelty she’s had to endure is hard to phantom. Vanessa is simultaneously in awe of her strength and furious on her behalf.

”Didn’t think so. But maybe.” Charity fidgets with the hanky. Vanessa has never seen her look so small and vulnerable before. ”You won’t tell anyone, right?”

”’Course not. I promise. Although I’d like to see that copper go to prison for what he did to you.”

”Yeah, that’s never going to happen, so stop dreaming. I left Yorkshire because he’s still on the force. He came to find me once, and my pimp beat him up but I just couldn’t stand knowing he could pop up anywhere.” 

Vanessa feels a glowing burn of hate for that man. There are so many culprits that’s had a hand in Charity’s life turning out the way it has, but he is by far the worst. 

They sit in silence, Charity letting Vanessa hold her hand. Charity doesn’t strike Vanessa as the most touchy feely person she’s ever met but she seems to need it now.

—

”I don’t know anything about working in a bar,” Charity says suddenly over tea that evening. It’s like she’s continuing the conversation Vanessa started this morning, just many hours later.

”You’ll learn!” Vanessa exclaims as soon as she gets her thoughts in order. ”No one knows everything from the start.”

”But if there’s someone else, who knows how to be a barmaid, Diane will want to hire them, won’t she? Otherwise she’d be pretty stupid.”

”You’ll just have to practice,” Vanessa says. ”Making cocktails and using a register.”

”Babe, the only thing I know about making cocktails is making my dad G&T’s and that was basically all G and no T! And I’ve no idea how a register even works!”

”I know what we should do!” Vanessa exclaims. ”Eat up fast, we’re going out.”

—

They sit at the bar and pretend to make conversation, while Charity looks carefully every time Louise uses the register, trying to memorise all the moves she’s making. 

It’s kind of fun to sneak around like this, and Charity is good at hiding what is really going on by talking about random things, while observing Louise at the same time. After an hour or so Charity elbows Vanessa.

”Let’s go. I’m starting to feel the smell of burnt flesh,” Charity says with a look at Louise, who has been throwing dirty looks their way since they got there. Vanessa is not going to miss her when she’s gone. ”I think I know the basics now. This was a really good idea, Ness,” Charity says when they’re back out on the street, and Vanessa is thrilled with how hopeful Charity seems. ”Now I just need to remember it.”

—

As soon as the library opens after the holidays, they collect the few cocktail books they can find there.

”You don’t need to learn them all,” Vanessa laughs when Charity laments the amount of cocktail recipes. ”Just focus on the ones on The Station’s cocktail menu. Most people just go there for a cheap pint anyway.”

”You saying it’s a dive, babe?” Charity grins.

”I wouldn’t go quite that far. But us locals got simple tastes,” Vanessa says with an answering smile.

—

The day of her trial shift, Charity paces the kitchen, mumbling to herself.

”What are you doing?” Vanessa asks.

”Sssh! I’m going through the register in my mind.”

Vanessa shakes her head with a chuckle. ”It’s going to be fine. You’ve gone through it all a hundred times.”

”I know, and I still might lose out to some spotty student who can’t even tell the difference between a lager and an IPA!”

Charity has really gone down the rabbit hole with the preparation. Her dedication reminds Vanessa of her own before an exam, maybe even slightly more obsessive. It’s completely endearing.

”No one’s better prepared than you are, that’s for sure.” 

”Okay. Okay,” Charity takes a few deep breaths. ”Promise not to come by to check in or anything. You’ll just stare at me and be all encouraging and I’ll lose my nerve.”

”But-”

”Promise.”

”Fine, I promise!” Vanessa sighs. She’d give an arm and a leg to be able to be there and help Charity if she needs it, but she’ll do as she’s told.

”You better stick to it,” Charity warns. 

Vanessa nods with an eye-roll. 

”Okay, good. How do I look?”

Vanessa looks Charity up and down. She’s wearing jeans and a new white shirt. Her blonde hair is gently curled. She looks absolutely gorgeous.

”Um, fine,” Vanessa stutters, suddenly embarrassed. 

”What’s wrong with it?” Charity asks, narrowing her eyes, looking down at herself.

”Nothing! It’s fine. Really.”

”You can say, you know. If it’s not right.”

”It is! I was just thinking, that-that you look good, is all.”

Charity smiles. ”Well, duh. I was talking about the outfit.”

Vanessa curses herself for getting flustered. ”That’s what I was talking about.”

”Right. I trust you,” Charity says. ”Don’t wish me luck,” she adds while putting on her coat.

”Well, break a leg then!” Vanessa calls after her.

Charity laughs halfway down the stairs.

As soon as Vanessa hears the front door slam, she forgets her discomfort and takes over Charity’s pacing. She’s so nervous. Over the last few days, it’s become increasingly clear how much this means to Charity. She’s been reading up so much she could start her own brewery. Vanessa knows Charity sees this as her way out, and Vanessa doesn’t even want to contemplate what will happen if she doesn’t get the job. She’s afraid it’s going to be like running directly into a brick wall. And it will be Vanessa’s fault for making her hope in the first place.

The hours drag. Vanessa really ought to be studying for her exams and she tries, she does, but it’s all going terribly. She really has to fight with herself not to cross the road to see how Charity is doing. But a promise is a promise, and she’d never forgive herself if she managed to distract Charity into making a mistake.

After 11, she hears Charity’s key in the door. Vanessa picks up a book at random, to make it seem like she hasn’t been sitting there just impatiently waiting for the last half hour.

Charity doesn’t say anything, just walks slowly into the room.

”How did it go?” Vanessa immediately asks, forgetting that she’d decided to be cool.

”I bloody well got the job,” Charity breathes, still dazed by disbelief.

”Yes!” Vanessa exclaims. ”Yes, I knew you could do it!” She throws her arms around Charity and Charity hugs her back, holds her tightly. She even lifts her off the ground for a bit.

”It’s all because of you,” Charity murmurs into Vanessa’s neck, making her shiver a little.

”No. No, you did this yourself,” Vanessa insists. She doesn’t quite want to let go of Charity, but she does, anyway. ”I told you. You’re amazing.”

Charity looks almost bashful, which is unusual. It makes Vanessa’s heart beat a bit faster.

—

Diane wants Charity to start that weekend and Vanessa barely sees her. She’s gotten used to Charity always being around this last month, and she misses her presence. Vanessa throws herself into studying for her exams. It’s easier now that she doesn’t have to worry about Charity. She spends hours in the library with Rhona, and then resumes her work when she gets home in the evening.

She goes to The Station to wind down after a particularly harrowing library shift with Rhona. 

Charity lights up when she sees her.

”I thought you’d never show your face in here,” she says. 

”I didn’t know if I was allowed.”

”Don’t be daft, I’m a pro at this now.” Charity winks. ”Pint?”

”However did you guess?”

”Call it my female intuition, babe.”

Charity winks again and it makes Vanessa’s heart flutter. She feels the shift, very clearly, in how she feels when she looks at Charity. It’s been creeping up on her, and it’s very hard to ignore though she tries her best.

”What are you doing later?” Charity asks. ”My shift ends soon.”

”I have to study for my exams,” Vanessa groans. ”It’s never-ending!”

”Oh, right.”

Diane comes in from the back. ”Hello, Vanessa!” She smiles widely. ”You’re here to get Charity?” She turns to Charity. ”Why don’t you run along now that I’m here? It’s not your birthday every day, pet.”

”It’s your birthday?!” Vanessa exclaims. ”Charity, why didn’t you tell me?”

”Don’t get dramatic, babe.” Charity rolls her eyes. ”I don’t celebrate it anyway.”

Vanessa knows Charity is downplaying it. She’d told Diane, and wanted them to do something. There is no way Vanessa can deny her a decent celebration.

”Well, we’re celebrating today, and that’s that.”

”You don’t have to study?”

”It can wait,” Vanessa assures her. ”What do you want to do? I’m game for anything.”

—

The cinema is packed. Vanessa has never seen the likes of it. They had to stand in line to even get these lousy seats, front row on the far left. Looks like they were lucky to get in at all.

Charity carries a massive tub of popcorn, and Vanessa their equally massive drinks. 

They sink into their seats. They’ve missed most of the trailers because they severely miscalculated how long they’d have to stand in line. 

”Blimey, looks like the whole town’s in here,” Charity says. ”Everyone’s talking about it at the pub.” 

Vanessa smiles. Charity’s barely been there a week, but it’s made such a positive change. She’s been happier than Vanessa has ever seen her. She isn’t sure if it’s because she loves her new job, or is just relieved she doesn’t have to return to her old one. Either way, it’s beautiful to see.

”At uni too,” she says. ”Everyone reckons it’s the best thing ever. But it’s over three hours, sounds a bit much to me. And with these drinks, we’re bound to need a loo break.”

Charity grins and catches a few popcorns at the top with her tongue, flicking them inside her mouth. Vanessa has to will herself not to stare. She finds herself doing that more and more these days.

The darkness falls and the music starts.

Something about it draws Vanessa in from the start, probably that striking music. She looks over at Charity who looks even more mesmerised. 

It’s a love story. Vanessa has never been one for the sweeping romances, but this is different somehow. It’s about a woman breaking free of convention and trying to forge her own destiny, with someone everyone frowns upon by her side. It’s something that evokes a strong reaction in Vanessa.

Then everything changes and it’s suddenly life or death. Vanessa wishes she could take Charity’s hand, it’s resting right beside hers. Charity would probably let her, they’ve touched enough times now that it might not be weird. But holding hands in the cinema has a certain meaning. And she really doesn’t want any misunderstandings.

”No!” Charity groans. ”You’ve got in a lifeboat, stay there you stupid cow!”

”It’s supposed to be romantic,” Vanessa whispers.

”Yeah, let’s die together, how romantic,” Charity huffs.

Vanessa laughs at Charity’s exasperation and a woman behind them hushes them, which only makes Vanessa laugh harder.

When the ship has vanished under the surface, Vanessa is startled by Charity grabbing her hand. 

”He’s going to die, isn’t he?” Charity whispers. Her hand is clammy with nerves, and she fidgets but doesn’t let go. ”I can’t take this.”

And Vanessa isn’t really aware what’s happening on screen anymore, because Charity is holding her hand. And Vanessa _knows_ she doesn’t mean anything by it. But it’s still happening, and it’s making Vanessa feel a certain way. Bothered, like she both wants to let go and hold on tight at the same time.

Charity starts to sniffle when Rose starts to try and wake up a frozen Jack, and she’s far from the only one. The cinema has turned into a gigantic snivel choir and Vanessa is probably the only one not crying by the end.

Charity finally lets go of her hand to dab her cheeks. The light is back on and Vanessa feels like she’s been caught in a dream for the last half hour or so.

”Ugh. That was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen,” Charity exclaims, blowing her nose. ”I bet I look like a raccoon.”

”Yeah,” Vanessa croaks. Charity’s got mascara everywhere and it’s beautiful in a chest crushing kind of way.

She waits outside the bathroom while Charity, along with all the other women who was at the same showing, fixes her face.

Charity talks about Titanic the whole way home, and Vanessa nods and hums at all the right places. But she is lost in her own mind, cursing herself for letting this happen to her.

It’s not like she hasn’t noticed the signs, she just didn’t want to. But now that she’s aware, there is no way to be unaware of how it feels to sit close to Charity at the cinema, holding hands like they’re on a date. She’s not supposed to think about Charity that way, and the guilt that she has allowed it to happen is heavy in her chest.

She had felt possessive about Rhona, and jealous of Pete and she hadn’t understood fully then. Or, she hadn’t wanted to then either. But now, this time, it’s plain as day. It’s stronger. Undeniable.

She fancies Charity.

It’s the worst thing that could have ever happened.

—

Vanessa deals with this new insight by throwing herself into her studies. Exams are coming up and she has neglected some of it to spend time with Charity, and that in itself should have been a huge red flag. She redoubles her efforts and only takes breaks to sleep. She eats hanging over her books and notes. It helps, it makes her not think of it as much, the curve of Charity’s delicate neck or the way she makes Vanessa feel tender in ways she isn’t used to.

—

When their week of exams is finally over, the celebrations reach epic proportions. Rhona and all of their mates gather in town to let off their steam. They do shots, they dance, they let loose. It’s all just fun and sharp relief, and Vanessa feels caught up in the whirlwind of it. 

She brushes off the advances of a guy she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have the energy for him. She’s exhausted by the effort of trying to care about what men has to say to her. He still hangs around her all night, unable to take a hint. 

She loses track of her mates, the dancefloor feeling like a roaring sea. She needs to be sick. She needs to get out of there.

—

Vanessa wobbles down the sidewalk, waving off a strong arm reaching out to support her.

”I’m fine,” she slurs. She’s so drunk. She’s all sharp and blurry at the same time, like she’s only using certain parts of her brain.

”Where’s your house then?” the guy asks. She’s forgotten his name. Isn’t sure she asked for it in the first place. He’s been hovering around her like an irritating fly the entire night. She thought she’d gotten rid of him when she left the club, but suddenly he was there again.

”Just down the road.” Vanessa waves her arm in a sweeping motion. ”What was it you studied again?”

”Economics.”

”Oh right.” Vanessa makes a disgusted face. She can’t imagine anything less interesting.

She vaguely remembers complimenting his shirt across the bar. That’s what set him off. She always tries to find some attractive detail about a bloke and then focus on that. This time the only redeeming quality was a shirt. She laughs to herself about that. The last one she was with had nice hair, long cascades of it falling off his shoulders. The rest of him had been all wrong when it came down to it. Just like the rest of them.

”Here’s mine,” she says when they reach her front door. ”Bye!”

”Let me help you upstairs,” he insists.

”No, ta.” She waves off his helping hands again, but he presses on.

”Come on. I walked you all this way. You could at least invite me up for a cuppa, let me make sure you’re alright.”

”I didn’t ask for your help,” Vanessa says as firmly as she can manage through the haze. Alarm bells are starting to go off somewhere at the back of her mind. She needs to get rid of this bloke.

”See, you can barely stand,” he says calmly, his hands gripping her arms too tightly. ”I’ll help you upstairs.”

She shrugs him off and digs after the keys in her bag. 

”Leave me alone.”

As soon as she finds the keys he takes them out of her hand. 

”I’ll do that for you,” he says with a voice that is probably supposed to sound charming, but is not to be argued with. His hand is suddenly around her waist. The way he practically tries to shovel her through the door makes her push back, but she’s too drunk for it to be effective.

”Oi, are you deaf or what?” Charity’s loud voice echoes between the houses. Vanessa looks up and it’s with relief she sees her friend stride angrily across the street. ”She told you to leave her alone!”

”You can see she’s had a bit too much to drink. She always gets a bit feisty then,” he says, pretending like this is all normal.

”Oh, does she?” Charity mocks. ”You know this creep, Ness?”

His confident face falls when he realises Charity actually knows Vanessa.

”Nah. He just followed me from the club. I can’t get rid of him,” she slurs.

The guys holds up his hands. ”I was only trying to help. She’s in a state.”

”Well, isn’t that convenient for you.” Charity shoves his chest, hard. 

He takes a few steps back, almost losing his balance. ”Hey! I don’t know what you’re implying here but—”

”I’m not _implying_ anything,” Charity spits. She’s furious, angrier than Vanessa has ever seen her before. ”If you don’t do one I’ll kick you so hard you’ll have to piss in a bag for the rest of your life, yeah?” she shouts.

”Fine, I’m going,” he mumbles, jogging away to the other side of the street. ”Psycho bitch!” he yells when he’s far away enough.

”That’s right! Stay away, yeah? Fucking perve!” Charity stares after him until he disappears around a corner. 

When she turns to Vanessa, her voice is uncharacteristically soft. ”You alright?”

”I’m fine,” Vanessa insists, despite feeling rather shell shocked. She lets Charity unlock the door and lay a gentle hand on her arm to keep her steady.

Charity helps Vanessa out of her jacket and sits her down on the sofa. Vanessa shivers. She feels ashamed.

”I’m such an idiot,” she says when Charity hands her a glass of water.

”How’d you figure that one out?” Charity asks.

”Getting drunk, walking home alone…”

”You’re supposed to be able to get drunk and walk wherever you bloody well like without some creep trying to take advantage, babe.”

”I shouldn’t have let him go with me,” Vanessa continues, feeling like she might cry. ”I tried to get rid of him. But at first he seemed harmless. Like a nice enough guy.”

”Nice guys,” Charity scoffs. ”Those are the most dangerous ones. At least with the bad ones you know what you’re getting.”

”I don’t like bad guys,” Vanessa slurs. ”Or nice ones. Or _any kind_ of guy.” As soon as she says it, she wishes she could stuff that back in there and promptly bursts into tears.

”Oh, don’t do that,” Charity almost pleads. ”I’m no good with crying.” She sits down beside Vanessa anyway.

”I shouldn’t have said that,” Vanessa says, swallowing all her tears in one go. She really needs to sober up. ”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

”Babe, don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal.”

”It was to Rhona.”

Charity rolls her eyes. ”Then stuff bloody Rhona, yeah? Drink your water.”

Vanessa take huge gulps of the water just to have something to do. She drinks so greedily she chokes and have to cough.

”You gonna be sick?” Charity asks.

”I’ve already been. A couple of streets back. Not much left in there.” Vanessa pats her belly.

”That’s good news, because I’m not cleaning up after you.” Charity’s arm is solid under hers as she helps her up from the sofa. ”Let’s get you to bed.”

Charity waits while Vanessa brushes her teeth.

”I can walk on my own, you know,” Vanessa protests when Charity tries to help her out of the bathroom.

Charity holds up her hands, but still follows Vanessa all the way to her bed. Vanessa all but crashes into it, and she can feel how Charity adjusts the duvet and pulls it over her. She peers up at Charity. The light coming from the other room gathers around her like a halo.

”You look like an angel,” Vanessa slurs with a dopey smile.

Charity laughs. ”That’s a new one I’ve never heard before.”

”You’re a good friend, Charity,” Vanessa says. ”You are.”

Vanessa can’t see Charity’s face properly in the darkness, but she can tell she looks away.

”You too, Ness,” she mumbles. ”You sleep now, yeah?”

Vanessa nods, closes her eyes, and drifts off.

—

The next morning is agony. Vanessa’s head feels like one huge throbbing vein. Unfortunately the pain does not erase any of the memories from yesterday. The bad ones are all crystal clear. 

Hunger forces her out of bed well past noon.

The bright sun coming into the kitchen hurts her eyes and the state of the fridge is a sorry affair.

The door slams and suddenly Charity’s standing in the middle of the kitchen. She is wearing her stay at home clothes, and her oversize jacket going down just above her knees. Her face is scrubbed of make up. She’s never looked more beautiful to Vanessa.

God, this really needs to stop.

”You look terrible,” Charity says with a small smile. ”This must be a new record.”

”Thanks for that,” Vanessa mutters.

”Got you some recovery food.” Charity shoves a packet into Vanessa’s hands. ”Some grease to soak up the alcohol. Looks like you need it.”

She really does, and stuffs her face with fish and chips while Charity is eating at a more normal pace.

”Thank you,” Vanessa murmurs. ”For the grub, and for scaring that guy half to death.”

“Anytime, babe.” Charity grins and Vanessa lowers her eyes, suddenly bashful.

“About what I said, you know…” The words get stuck in her throat. Shame burns there, making her quiet. She wishes she could get blackout drunk like normal people, and not remember every embarrassing detail with crystal clarity.

“Hey,” Charity says, her voice softer than Vanessa’s ever heard it. “Don’t sweat it, yeah? I don’t judge.”

“No?”

“‘Course not. You don't judge me, I don’t judge you, right?”

”Right.”

Vanessa dares looking up at Charity. There’s only kindness on her face. Maybe even affection.

”But, maybe stop sleeping with blokes if that’s not what you’re into. I’ve seen the look on you every morning after a bunk up. You shouldn’t do that to yourself when you don’t have to.”

Vanessa swallows hard, shame still gripping at her throat. “I just thought…” Anything she can formulate in her head makes her sound so pathetic. “That maybe I’d start enjoying it more if I tried hard enough.”

“I don’t think it works that way, babe.”

”No, it probably doesn’t,” Vanessa murmurs.

—


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa tries to keep a lid on her feelings for Charity.

**1998**

They curl up on the sofa, watching trashy telly for a few hours. Vanessa rests her aching head in her hand. Charity makes her a cup of super strong coffee and allows Vanessa hog the blanket without complaining too much.

It’s strange, being taken care of like this. Vanessa isn’t used to it, and she knows Charity isn’t used to be a caregiver. But there’s something about their dynamic, the way they look after one another that’s different to any friendship Vanessa has ever had. It makes her feel safe and warm, knowing Charity would come to her defense like she did last night, literally putting herself between Vanessa and danger. No one’s ever come close to doing something like that for her before.

If only it didn’t make Vanessa’s feelings for Charity even more intense.

”So, you like girls then?” Charity asks, as if she can read Vanessa’s mind.

The question is matter of fact, and expected under the circumstances. Vanessa can’t help but flounder her reply anyway.

”I dunno.” She picks some lint off the blanket so she won’t have to meet Charity’s eye. ”Maybe. I mean, I guess. Probably.”

”Complicated, is it?” Charity chuckles. 

”No. Not really,” Vanessa confesses. ”It’s just hard.”

”Why?”

”What do you mean, why?”

”Why is it hard? It’s just who you are, isn’t it?”

For some reason Charity’s relaxed attitude vexes Vanessa. This has taken up her subconscious thoughts for years, and Charity acts like it’s nothing to worry about. Just something that  _ is. _

”Why would I want to be gay? It’s just making my life harder. It’s going to make all my friends act weird, I won’t be able to get married or have kids and my mum’s going to like me even less. Flipping jackpot, Charity!”

”Wow.” Charity looks almost contrite. ”I didn’t even think about it like that.” 

”Well, I have.” Angry tears threaten to fall but Vanessa refuses to let them.

”Can’t you just adopt a kid?”

”It’s not allowed. And I don’t even know if I want kids anyway. That’s not the point. It would have been nice to have the choice.”

”I get that.” Charity bumps Vanessa’s shoulder with her own. ”I’m sorry. For being a clueless idiot.” Charity rolls her eyes and Vanessa is struck by a wave of affection for her. She’s doing her best. 

”It’s okay. I feel weird talking about it. I never really have before.”

”I know the feeling.” Charity smiles a little. ”But it’s not so terrible after a while, yeah?”

”Maybe.”

They’ve both been used to carrying things close to the vest. It feels apt that they’ve both shared things with each other they haven’t with others. 

”And hey, maybe things will get better? Maybe 20 years from now you’ll live in a big house with a wife and a ten kids.”

”Never pegged you for an optimist,” Vanessa chuckles.

”I never used to be.” Charity’s gaze lingers on Vanessa for long moments. ”Things change.”

There’s something devastatingly beautiful about Charity’s face in this moment, and Vanessa, for a crazy, deranged millisecond considers telling her so.

She comes to her senses quickly enough, though. She can’t ruin this friendship, for both their sakes. It’s one thing for Charity to be so cool about this, and quite another for her to be okay with Vanessa’s one-sided feelings. Attraction. Crush. Whatever it is. That’s not something you put on a friend. 

She’ll get over it, just like she has every stupid unrequited crush she’s ever had in the past. Doesn’t matter that this one is so much more all encompassing than any that came before it.

”I need a shower,” Vanessa says, deliberately breaking the moment. ”Feels like I reek of alcohol.”

”I was trying to be polite by not saying anything.” Charity waves her hand in front of her nose with a laugh.

”You’re never polite,” Vanessa grins and slaps Charity’s shoulder as she rises from the sofa.

”Only to people I like.”

Vanessa refuses to blush at the implication. ”You like people?” she snarks.

”Not many. Some.”

Vanessa leans against the doorframe, trying to decipher the expression on Charity’s face. She wonders when Charity Dingle turned out to be the best friend she’s ever had. The only one who gets her, or tries to.

”I’m off to work in a bit,” Charity continues. ”Come by and keep me company later? I’ll get you something else to help with the hangover.”

”Alright. See you later.”

—

A pub is the last place Vanessa feels like being at today, but she couldn’t resist Charity’s offer. She never says no to spending time with Charity nowadays. It’s one of those things that’s changed. 

It’s dark out, just an hour before closing time. She looks around a little as she crosses the road, suddenly worried that the bloke from yesterday might be around somewhere. The street is blissfully empty.

The Station is almost just as empty, other than a few booths harboring lonely punters of the sad variety.

Charity lights up and waves when she sees Vanessa.

”What can I get you, miss?” she asks. ”My dad used to start his days by dissolving a few aspirins in a big glass of red wine. Swore by it, he did.” 

”Jesus. I think I’ll pass.”

”Yeah. Do not recommend. Have this instead.” Charity pushes a glass with a clear sparkling liquid towards Vanessa.

”It’s not strong is it? Because I’m not touching the strong stuff  _ ever _ again.”

”Of course you’re not, you drama queen,” Charity laughs. ”It’s just fizzy water. That, and some charming company will sort you right out.”

”Thanks. But where’s the charming company you speak of? There’s only you here.”

”You’re meaner than you pretend to be,” Charity grins. ”I like it.”

Vanessa can’t help it, her stomach flips at the words. This is going to be exhausting, if she keeps reacting to Charity being nice this way, every time.

They chat while Charity wipes down the bar and stacks the shelves. She serves the odd punter that comes to order. Vanessa likes it, watching Charity move confidently behind that bar like she belongs there. She fondly remembers Charity’s insecurities before she got this job, and how hard she tried despite them. It wasn’t long ago, but the weight off Charity has made her blossom. 

She really needs to stop thinking about Charity like that.

”Well, that’s the last one out. I’m ready to lock up,” Charity declares as she rounds the bar. ”Babe, you look miserable,” she sighs, her hand on Vanessa’s shoulder.

”Do I? Must be this hangover from hell,” Vanessa lies.

”Still?”

Vanessa nods.

Charity lingers by her, her expression as unreadable as before. She plays with one of the beer mats on the bar.

”You know the best thing for a hangover cure?” she asks.

”Is it a few aspirin in a glass of wine?” Vanessa asks in jest. Charity is standing so close. Vanessa suddenly feels enveloped by the faint smell of her perfume.

Charity shakes her head and for a moment, Vanessa feels completely transfixed. Charity is looking at her in a way that makes her sweat uncomfortably. She wants to ask what’s going on, but her tongue’s tied up. For a moment, she imagines Charity is swaying closer to her. Vanessa’s eyes flicker down to Charity’s mouth.

”Oh, are you still here, girls?” Diane cackles as she comes through the back in her bathrobe and rolls in her hair. ”Just thought I’d treat myself to a glass of white in front of the telly.” She pours herself a generous glass.

Diane lives above the pub, and Vanessa has never been more relieved to see her. If she hadn’t come Vanessa might have done something truly stupid.

”I was just about to close up,” Charity says. Vanessa glances at her, and she looks completely normal and unflustered. 

Vanessa really needs to get herself together. She’s starting to imagine things now. 

”You do that, pet. Goodnight, then, and see you tomorrow!” Diane disappears the same way she came. Charity has locked at the front and Vanessa follows her out the back door.

In the alley behind the pub, Charity turns towards Vanessa.

”Hey. Do you—”

Vanessa cuts Charity off. ”I actually remembered that I was going to see Rhona.”

”Now?” Charity frowns.

”Yeah. She was supposed to give me some notes for tomorrow. I’ll see you later, okay?” Vanessa can’t get away from Charity fast enough. She feels like if she spends another second this close to her, Charity will know Vanessa was ready the practically throw herself at her just a moment ago.

It’s quite far to Rhona and Pete’s, they live in the outskirts of town. Even further out than Vanessa. Vanessa hasn't even been there since Rhona officially moved in. She looks at her wrist watch, knowing she’ll have to stay out for nearly an hour for this to be believable.

She glances around. There’s still an unease about that bloke turning up again, even though she knows the odds are slim. She finds a dive bar that’s open and drinks a Pepsi, carefully avoiding eye contact with any of the other guests. When sufficient time has passed she walks back home.

Charity is in her pajamas, simultaneously watching telly and doing a crossword. She glances up at Vanessa when she walks in.

”I’m heading to bed,” Vanessa says. ”I’m knackered.”

”Forget the notes?” Charity asks.

”What? Oh!” Vanessa looks down at her hands dumbly, as if she expects to find a fictional stack of notes there. ”I must have done.”

Charity regards her quietly. ”Right,” she says eventually, turning back towards the telly.

Vanessa goes to change and brush her teeth. She curses herself for being such a terrible liar. Charity must think she’s a right idiot. It’s very unlike her not to call Vanessa out on it, though.

When she’s finished and returns to the living room, it’s dark and deserted.

—

Charity seems a bit distant the next few days, and Vanessa frets that she knows the truth. That she understands that Vanessa likes her a little bit too much and is put off by it. Vanessa does her very best to be nice but perfectly neutral whenever they interact.

”Bloody hell, babe, you sound like some kind of sales person,” Charity exclaims eventually after Vanessa has awkwardly offered her what’s left of the morning eggs. ”Give them here.”

Vanessa passes her the plate.

”Can you please stop acting weird now? It’s fine,” Charity says.

Vanessa wants to ask  _ what’s _ fine, but she thinks she knows. Charity is telling her crush is fine but to stop being weird about it. She is too scared to ask outright though. The bust up with Rhona is still at the back of her mind. She couldn’t stand something similar happening with Charity.

”I’m sorry,” Vanessa says.

”Don’t worry about it. I’ll live.”

”That’s… good.”

That’s the last they say about it.

—

As winter turns to spring, Vanessa tries to cope with her feelings as best she can. 

She studies harder, and parties less. Getting completely off her face isn’t as appealing as it used to be, and when she doesn’t have to get plastered to stomach some boring bloke sticking his tongue down her throat, there isn’t as much point to it. She much rather spends her evenings at home when Charity has a night off, and she often finds herself by the bar when she works in the evenings. 

She sometimes worries she’s coming off as a lost puppy, but Charity always seems to want her there. The awkwardness faded fast, and everything seems normal again.

”Where did she come from?” Rhona asks one evening, gesturing towards Charity behind the bar.

Pete is not with her for once, and Rhona wanted to make it a girls night like old times.

”Yorkshire.”

”I meant more like into your life.”

They never really had this talk before, since they weren’t on the best of terms when Charity moved in, and Vanessa’s guard goes up. She’ll have to be careful not to reveal anything that Charity wouldn’t want her to.

”She saw one of my desperate posters in here. The rest is history.”

”Where did she live before that?”

”With a boyfriend. Things didn’t work out, so she needed a new place to stay.” Vanessa knows now that was a lie, Charity has told her as much. But this is the official version and she’s sticking to it.

”What, he just threw her out?”

”I really don’t know the details.” Vanessa tries to shrug the questions off, but Rhona knows her well and can probably notice.

”She hasn’t told you? You two seem so close.”

Vanessa curses her heart for fluttering a little. It’s so stupid that she likes that people can tell that they’re close.

”She doesn’t really talk much about the past.” That was true once, but now, Charity much more open. She frequently mentions members of her vast family, and shares memories when they come. Good and bad. She’s gone from an enigma to someone Vanessa knows very well.

”That’s strange. Do you trust her?”

”Yes,” Vanessa replies immediately. ”More than anyone, actually.”

There might be a streak of hurt flashing over Rhona’s features for a moment, but then she nods. ”That’s good. I’m glad.”

Vanessa thinks she means it. 

—

It’s mid-morning when the phone rings, but Vanessa still hasn’t quite managed to roll out of bed. She has made the most of not having to get up early for class.

”Hello?” Charity’s voice is muted through the door. “Who?” A long silence follows. ”Wait, wait. No, listen. I’m not Teeny.” 

Vanessa flashes cold when she hears that nickname. She practically flies off her bed and runs to the kitchen.

”No,  _ oi, _ listen, you must have the wrong number—”

Vanessa gestures to Charity to hand her the phone.

”Dad?”

”Oh, my darling. It is you! I was worried your mother gave me the wrong number.”

”You talked to mum? She gave you my number?” That is somehow even more shocking than the fact that her dad is suddenly on the line after years of silence.

Her dad laughs his characteristic cackling laughter. ”She gave me quite an earful first, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

”I bet she did,” Vanessa says. She’s still shocked. She can’t even remember when they spoke last. Well before she went to uni.

”Before she hung up on me she told me you’re at university, studying to become a vet. Teeny, I’m so proud of you!”

After getting over the initial shock, a huge part of Vanessa wants to hang up on him, too. She resists the impulse. She’s been so angry that he just ditched her like she never existed, but at the same time, hearing him talk like this now, is tapping into something she’d nearly forgotten she’s always craved. She always lapped up praise and affection from him. He always gave it so freely, unlike her mother.

”Are you out of prison yet?” she asks flatly.

”That was a terrible misunderstanding,” her dad says. ”My partner swindled money out of our business and I had no idea until he’d fled the country with the money. When the police came knocking they made me the scapegoat.”

Vanessa doesn’t believe him. All of her experience tells her that this is just one of his usual excuses. But there’s no point in going into it since he’ll never admit the truth anyway.

”So you’re out?”

”Yes! Just last week. Teeny, I’ve thought about you so much these last few years.”

”Could have fooled me,” Vanessa says, unable to stop the bitterness from bubbling to the surface.

”I know I should have called you sooner, or written. I was ashamed. I didn’t want you to think I’d done such terrible things.”

”I did anyway,” she says abruptly. ”What do you want?”

”I’ve missed you so much, my darling. I understand you must be terribly disappointed in me. I want to make it up to you. Won’t you tell me what’s going on in your life?”

Vanessa considers hanging up one last time, but finds that she can’t bring herself to.

”It’s mostly school and friends. You know, the usual.”

“Any young man in your life?”

“No. I’m…” The words sticks in her throat. “No.”

He prods and pushes her gently, until she slowly starts to melt. They talk for more than an hour, her dad wanting to know everything about her life, and Vanessa can’t resist it. She never could. He cares about things other than her grades, which is irresistible in itself. When her dad wants to, he can make her feel like the most important person in the world. And she always forgets how worthless he makes her feel when he fails her.

”Oh, Teeny,” he sighs. ”It’s been so good talking to you. I’d love to come out to see you sometime soon.”

”I’d like that, dad,” she says. ”You could come stay over, if you’d like. I don’t think Charity would mind.”

”How about I come in a fortnight? How does that work for you?”

There’s a tiny thrill going through Vanessa, one that is so familiar from her childhood and she waited for her dad to come see her. It’s a pavlovian reaction, and she doesn’t care to push it away. If he wants to come and prove he’s changed, she is going to give him the chance. He seems so keen, and it makes her happy.

”That works. Over the weekend?”

”Yes! That’s smashing, darling. I can’t wait to see you!”

After they’ve said their goodbyes, Vanessa feels almost lightheaded with the shock of it. That it was actually him, after all this time. That he wants to come see her.

”So that posh-sounding bloke was your dad?” Charity asks, waking Vanessa from her thoughts.

”He’s not posh. He puts it on to sound more sophisticated and trustworthy. Mum says he used to talk just like me, but I can’t remember that.”

”A real hustler then,” Charity chuckles.

”You can say that again. He’s coming here to stay over in a fortnight. Is that okay?”

”’Course. I can make myself scarce if you want.”

”You don’t have to do that. I’d love for you to meet him!”

”You would?” Charity looks surprised but not displeased.

”Of course, you silly mare!”

”Well, alright then.” 

Vanessa is already starting to plan. She needs to clean out the apartment, plan their meals, go shopping… She wants it to feel like a happy occasion. That she’s making an effort, now her dad’s decided to do the same.

”Uh-oh,” Charity says.

”What?”

”You’ve got that look on your face.” 

“What look is that.”

“The one you get when you’re about to make me do a lot of housework I don’t want to do.” 

Vanessa laughs. ”You know me too well.”

”I can smell danger a mile away,” Charity grins. ”I’m not cleaning out the drains again. That was disgusting.”

Vanessa rolls her eyes. ”Fine.”

”Hey, Ness?” Charity lingers by the door.

”Yes?”

”I’m happy for you.”

”Thank you. I feel excited about seeing him.”

Charity smiles softly. ”I can tell. It’s… good to see.”

Charity ducks out of the kitchen and Vanessa stares after her. They’ve come a long way since they first met. Vanessa can no longer imagine her life, or even this flat without Charity in it. She’s like a missing piece of a puzzle that’s fit into Vanessa’s life and made it complete somehow. 

That’s the sort of thing she’ll never be able to say out loud.

—

”So what’s the verdict, then?” Charity asks impatiently.

It’s become a recent little tradition, hanging out with Rhona and Pete at the bar, sampling new cocktails and watching Charity getting more and more skilled at mixing them. Tonight, she made a show of juggling bottles to their delight. It’s definitely the most action The Station has ever seen behind the bar. 

Charity looks like she was born to do this, but Vanessa knows she has been practicing hard. She’s heard the crashes and curses from the kitchen when Charity has brought home empties from work to practice her moves on. Ever since she realised Charity had a gift for cocktail combos, Diane has let her create a new one each week. She thought it would be popular with the younger crowd and it’s proved to be fruitful. There are more students and younger guests at The Station nowadays. Even though Charity hasn’t said so outright, Vanessa knows how proud she is that her work has generated more business for Diane.

“I like the one with peach best,” Vanessa says.

“Duly noted babe,” Charity says with a wink. “Rhona?” The way her tone and face changes when she speaks to Rhona makes Vanessa smile in secret. Charity still doesn’t like her much.

“I like the minty stuff you put in that one.” Rhona points at one of the small glasses in front of them.

“Mhm. Pete?”

“All these are way too sweet for me,” he says apologetically. “Can I just have another pint, please?”

Charity rolls her eyes. “Fine. Peachy Passion it is then. Next cocktail of the week.” She clicks her tongue and winks at Vanessa again. 

Vanessa smiles happily.

“Have you noticed she always picks the ones you like best?” Rhona asks when Charity has to leave them to pull a few pints.

“No, she doesn’t,” Vanessa protests.

“She totally does.”

“Maybe because I have great taste.”

Rhona gives her an appraising look. 

“What is it?” Vanessa asks.

”Is there… you know, something going on between the two of you?”

”No!” Vanessa flashes hot with embarrassment and something else. ”We’re just mates.”

”It’s fine if you’re not, though,” Rhona presses. ”I’ve seen the way you are around each other. I know I reacted badly the first time we talked about it, but Ness.” She squeezes Vanessa’s arm. ”I just want you to be happy.”

”Well, nothing’s going on so can we please stop talking about it?” Vanessa snaps.

”Okay, okay!” Rhona holds her hands up in surrender. ”I’m just saying, I think it’s fair to say she’s game if you are,” she whispers.

”Rhona!”

”Fine! I’m dropping it,” Rhona hisses, and leaves to join Pete at the pool table.

Vanessa glances at Charity who is busy serving a bunch of guys. It’s like she can feel Vanessa’s eyes on her, she turns and pulls a face at Vanessa behind their backs.

Vanessa is grateful for the low lights in the bar in the evenings, and hopes it hides her blush.

Some days, it seems like most of her brain activity is used for trying to  _ not _ think about Charity. The idea that Charity might feel the same seems impossible. Charity is the kind of person who would go for something she wants. If she wanted Vanessa, Vanessa would know by now. Wouldn’t she?

—


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa prepares for Frank's visit.

**1998**

”Are you not going to eat those?” Charity asks.

”No, go ahead,” Vanessa replies absentmindedly.

Charity helps herself to the chips left on Vanessa’s plate. The spring sun is warm today and they decided to take their lunch outside. It’s just fish and chips from the shop around the corner, but it’s still feels kind of luxurious like the first times out after winter always does. 

Rhona’s words have been echoing in Vanessa’s mind for days. She can’t let it go. She has tried to analyze the way Charity acts around her, but she’s just her usual funny, snarky self.

She curses Rhona for planting this idea into her head. Not because she actually believes it to be true, but because it allowed her to hope for a moment. But no, Charity is just being Charity. Much nicer than when they first met, of course. And definitely nicer to Vanessa than to anyone else, but that’s just because they’re friends that trust each other with a lot.

”You’re quiet today,” Charity says.

”Oh. Sorry. Just things on my mind. With my dad coming, and that.”

”Are you upset because of your mum?”

Vanessa contemplates the question. Is she?

She got an earful when she’d called her mother for their monthly chat. She had expected the rant, had braced herself for it.

”I can’t believe you’re even considering letting _that man_ into your house,” her mother had said for the third time in as many minutes.

”He is my dad,” Vanessa had tried.

Her mother had scoffed. ”How do you think this makes me feel! After the way he treated me, just leaving me all alone with you, waltzing around like some kind of playboy when I could barely get food on the table. But you’ve always preferred him, haven’t you? Despite everything I’ve done for you.”

”Please mum…”

”And Philip! What about his feelings?”

”What about them?” Vanessa hadn’t thought of Phil for a second. He married her mother when Vanessa was 13 and the only lasting impression he’s left is the last name that her mother had insisted Vanessa would take as her own. He had always been a walking void of a person. He’d taken a cue out of her mother’s book and treated Vanessa with as much interest as one would a piece of furniture.

”He’s been like a father to you and you still prefer that… that _man.”_

Since her dad left them, Vanessa had never heard her mother utter his name. It was always _that man._ Sometimes _your father_ in a particularly spiteful tone.

”I don’t want to hurt either of you,” Vanessa had said, trying her damnedest to sound diplomatic. ”It’s just about me trying to have a relationship with dad.”

”Always thinking of yourself,” her mother had said coldly. ”Well. You’ve made your choice.”

”It’s not about choosing!”

The aggressive click when her mother hung up in her ear almost came as a relief.

”I’m not upset,” Vanessa tells Charity. ”I knew she’d react that way.”

Charity had heard the entire conversation from the living room. Vanessa’s mum’s voice can really carry through the receiver when she’s in that kind of mood.

”You can still be upset even if you expected it.”

Charity puts her arm around Vanessa’s shoulders. It’s just a normal, friendly thing to do. But since Rhona put all those thoughts in her head, it’s even harder for Vanessa to stand it. It was easier when she was convinced Charity would never feel the same. Those few moments that she hoped ruined everything. She doesn’t know how to behave at all now. Her shoulders grow stiff under Charity’s touch.

She wishes Rhona had kept her big gob shut.

”I’m fine,” she assures Charity. She glances at her watch. ”I need to get to uni. I’ve got class at 2.”

Charity’s arm slips from her shoulders. Vanessa instantly misses that closeness. She feels like she’s stuck in limbo, barely being able to stand Charity touching her and aching when she stops.

—

_GAY AND LESBIAN CLUB AT THE OASIS_

Vanessa stares at the rainbow poster on the bulletin board at The Station. She’s seen these before over the years, at the corner of her eye, but she has always refused to stop and look properly. The Oasis is a dingy club downtown, not somewhere she’d normally go. But for this…

”You want to go to that?” Rhona asks.

”No!” Vanessa replies automatically. Then she hesitates. She has told Rhona that she’s taking a break from blokes for a while, without really saying why. But they both know the reason. ”I don’t know.”

Charity waves at them from behind the bar.

”I can come with you if you want,” Rhona offers as they walk towards the bar. ”Be your wing-woman!” she continues enthusiastically. 

Vanessa supposes she should be grateful for this 180 in attitude, but she just feels overwhelmed.

”You need a wing-woman, babe?” Charity asks Vanessa. ”I thought you were taking a break from that for a while?” 

”From _men,”_ Rhona clarifies and Charity’s eyebrows shoot up. ”It’s a gay and lesbian club downtown the weekend after next.”

”Oh. Right.”

Vanessa wants to sink through the floor. ”I said I don’t know if I even want to go!”

”Maybe you’ll feel better if Charity comes too?” Rhona suggests. ”Strength in numbers and all that.”

Vanessa can’t imagine anything worse than the woman she has a soul destroying crush on watching her make a fool of herself by trying to flirt with a bunch of lesbians.

”Rhona,” Charity says, her voice tense. ”Can’t you tell she doesn’t want to?”

”Oh come on! You have to take the plunge sometime, don’t you Ness?”

”I wouldn’t even know what to do,” Vanessa mutters.

”Why don’t you just do what you normally do? It usually works,” Rhona suggests.

”What, get sloshed and take home anything with a pulse?” Charity bites. 

_”Charity!”_ Rhona exclaims.

The words sting Vanessa, hard. It’s the kind of cruel thing she would have expected from Charity before they got to know each other. But not now. She can tell Charity regrets it as soon as it falls out of her mouth, but she doesn’t apologise. 

Anger flares inside Vanessa. She hasn’t been angry with Charity in ages. It’s almost a relief.

”You’re right, Rhona,” she says, fixing Charity with her glare. ”How hard can it be? Let’s do it.”

”Yay!” Rhona exclaims, clapping her hands. ”This is so exciting! I’ve never been to a gay bar before!”

”It’s not a bloody zoo, Rhona,” Charity snipes.

”I know that,” Rhona says, looking sheepish.

”What’s wrong with you today?” Vanessa asks.

”Absolutely nothing,” Charity replies and pushes herself away from the bar and goes to serve a bunch of lads that’s just come in.

”Have you two had a row or something?” Rhona asks when they move away from the bar with their pints.

”No. She’s just being weird.”

”Then don’t bother with her.” Rhona waves her hand dismissively in Charity’s general direction. ”Let’s start planning what you should wear! Maybe we should go shopping?”

”Do I need new clothes to go to a gay bar?”

”You want to look your best if you want to catch yourself a girlfriend!”

Vanessa stares at Charity, who is very obviously chatting up one of the lads. He’s tall and handsome, and Charity laughs loudly at something he says. She observes them talking, and she sees Charity pass him a pen. He scribbles something on her pad. Probably his phone number. Vanessa swallows and looks away. Like today couldn’t get any worse.

”Oh, Ness,” Rhona sighs.

”What?” Vanessa asks, although she knows all of her thoughts probably just showed all over her face.

”You’ve got it bad, haven’t you?”

”It’s not that bad,” Vanessa mutters, unable to deny it completely. ”It doesn’t matter. She’s not interested.”

”No, it doesn’t look like she is.” They both observe Charity flirting heavily with that bloke. ”Which is why you need to get yourself out there and not get stuck on her. Plenty more fish in the sea.”

Vanessa tears her eyes away from Charity touching his arm while he’s saying something apparently mesmerising. She really needs to get un-stuck, and fast. This is hell.

”If you say so.” 

—

Vanessa half expects Charity to have company when she comes back that night, but she’s alone.

She stares so hard at the telly she could drill a hole in it with just her eyes. Charity rummages around in the kitchen before coming to join her.

”Are you watching this?” Charity asks with a groan.

Vanessa snatches the remote from the table before Charity has a chance to catch it.

”Yes.”

It’s a documentary about walruses. Charity sighs loudly.

”So are you going to call that bloke?” Vanessa asks, cursing herself for showing she cares. Charity had chatted with him all evening, until Vanessa couldn’t stand it anymore and went home.

”I might do.”

”He seemed nice.”

”He was. His dad owns a taxi business and he’s just learning the ropes. He’s going to take over eventually. He’s loaded.”

”Great.”

”Yeah.”

Vanessa stares at the screen without seeing anything. Her chest hurts in a way it never has before. The thought of Charity going out with, and eventually falling in love with some gorgeous, rich man makes her want to scream. But she doesn’t. She’s got no right to any outbursts about it. She just clenches her fists and keeps watching the telly.

”They look like huge slugs with teeth,” Charity chuckles suddenly.

Vanessa doesn’t want to laugh, but she can’t help it. ”They kind of do, you’re right.”

”I hope you have a good time with Rhona at that club,” Charity murmurs. ”What I said… it sounded much worse than I meant it.”

Because she’s a sucker, Vanessa instantly forgives her.

”It’s okay.” Vanessa wants to say something else. She feels so trapped by these feelings that are hindering her from speaking honestly with Charity. ”You can still come if you want.” 

She doesn’t know why she says that. She doesn’t want Charity to come to the club. She doesn’t even think she wants to go herself. What she wants, she can’t have.

”I don’t think I will, if it’s all the same to you. I reckon you’ll have your hands full.”

”Okay.”

They watch as a polar bear fruitlessly tries to catch a walrus for his first meal in months. Vanessa is usually enthralled by nature documentaries but now she just feels bad for everyone. For the polar bear that’s starving, for the walruses that get chewed on. But mostly for herself.

—

The apartment shines after Vanessa has gone over it and given it a thorough clean. She’s made her bed with fresh linen. Her dad is tall, he needs to sleep in a decent bed. She’s put out sheets so she can sleep on the sofa while he stays over.

Vanessa buzzes with excitement and nerves. She did the math, and it’s been five years since she last saw her dad. She has missed him and can’t wait to see him for real.

She moves into the kitchen to put the finishing touches on a shepherd’s pie she’s been trying to perfect. It used to be her dad’s favourite when she was a child. She found her mum’s old recipe, and hopes it won’t remind him of unhappy times.

”Blimey. Is the Queen coming for tea?” Charity chuckles from the doorway.

”Haha,” Vanessa huffs. She glances over the pots and pans, and the table set for dinner. She has ironed her nan’s nicest tablecloth and put some flowers on the table. ”Is it too much? Should I get rid of the cloth?”

”It looks very nice.” Charity smiles a little. ”Does he deserve all the hoopla?”

”Probably not. But I want him to know I’m glad he’s come.”

”If it was my dad, I’d make him eat off the bathroom floor,” Charity says with a grin. ”Which is spotless, by the way. As ordered.” She makes a gallant gesture.

”Thank you. I’ll put him in there if he doesn’t behave, how’s that?”

”Well, you should always have a plan B,” Charity laughs. ”I’m off at 8. I’ll see you then, yeah?”

”See you!”

—

”Teeny!”

He’s a few minutes late, during which Vanessa was convinced he wouldn’t show up. But here he is. There are splashes of grey at his temples, and lines crinkle deeper around his eyes when he smiles. Otherwise he looks exactly the same. 

His leather jacket creaks familiarly when they hug. His cologne is the same as when she was a girl and he used to carry her on his shoulders for hours.

”Hi dad.” She feels suddenly emotional at how familiar he is, even though it’s been so long. ”It’s good to see you.”

”You too, my darling. Look at you! You’re so grown up!”

”I hope so. Last time I saw you I was a spotty teenager!”

”It’s never been that long!” he gasps.

”It has.”

He laughs like he’s a little embarrassed. He puts his bag down and Vanessa gives him the grand tour of the flat. She feels like she babbles nervously but he puts her at ease by making funny comments about the paintings on the walls. She feels a rush of happiness. That’s something’s finally going her way with him here.

She ushers him into the kitchen when they’re done with the tour.

”Looks like you’ve been hard at work,” he remarks.

”It’s nothing. It’s just shepherd’s pie. But I thought we might wait until my flatmate Charity comes back from work. She’s looking forward to meeting you.”

”Ah,” he says. ”I’m sorry you’ve gone to so much trouble.”

”It wasn’t any trouble.”

”I... I’m very sorry Teeny. I won’t be able to stay for dinner.”

All the excitement bubbling inside Vanessa suddenly goes completely still.

”Oh. Do you have anywhere you need to be?”

”Yes, I have a train to catch soon.”

Vanessa’s throat closes up. ”I thought you were staying through the weekend.” 

She’d made plans for them to visit her university and Charity had promised to set them up with full service at The Station. She’d dug out her old photo albums and thought they’d look at them and reminisce. Maybe talk, finally.

”I was planning to, darling, but something’s come up.”

”Oh.” Vanessa feels like she’s going to cry, but her pride forbids her. She clenches her jaw as tightly as she can. ”Why did you even bother coming then?” She presses the words out through her teeth.

”Because I wanted to see you, Teeny.” He caresses her cheek and she almost believes him for a second. ”And I wanted to ask you a favour. Would you let me keep this here with you?” He gestures to the bag at his feet. ”Just for a while.”

The bag is unremarkable. Just a regular brown travel bag you’d bring for a weekend stay over with your daughter. But it’s not that.

”What’s in it?” she demands.

”Better I don’t tell you.”

”It’s something dodgy, isn’t it?”

Her dad laughs his phony cackling laugh. ”No, of course not. It’s just something I can only trust someone very special with. You’re the person I trust most in the world, Teeny.”

”Oh, please!” Vanessa spits. She is offended that he’s still trying to butter her up like he thinks she’s a total mug. ”You don’t even know me. And you don’t care to either, do you?”

”Teeny…”

”Stop calling me Teeny.”

”You used to like it.”

”I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve changed a little since I was 10 years old.” She glares at him. ”I’m not keeping that for you.”

”But Te— _Vanessa._ Please. It’s nothing to worry about, I swear. I would never do anything to put you in any kind of danger.”

”I have no idea if that’s true or not,” she says. ”I don’t know you either. All I know is you don’t give a stuff about me.”

”Darling…”

”Please go,” she says. ”Please just get out of my house.”

Her dad rises slowly, smoothing his hair and shirt as he stands. She looks up at him, and remembers a time when she thought he was the best dad that ever was. It feels like a distant fantasy now.

In the hallway, he puts the bag down and tries to put a hand on her arm. She shrugs him off.

”You know I wanted to be around more for you,” her dad says. ”But your mother… she made it impossible.”

”Not so impossible you couldn’t call her to get my address when you wanted something from me, though, right? Just go.”

”Only if you’re sure. If you just keep it for a while, I’ll be able to come back and spend more time with you then.”

Something snaps inside her then. Something that’s been strained for such a long time. She grabs his bag. It’s heavy, but she still carries it to the front door, opens it and chucks it down the stairs. It falls heavily against the stairs, making a lot of noise as it tumbles down. 

”Follow that, please.”

Her dad looks shocked at her outburst. She always used to be on her best behaviour with him during his infrequent visits, always hoping that if she behaved perfectly he’d want to come back again. She’s done with all that now.

”I sad go!” she growls, and he does. She slams the door behind him and listens to him walking slowly down and disappear out of her life again.

She goes back into the kitchen, staring at the stupid table setting and the dinner she’d made. He used to love shepherd’s pie and she’d tried to make it perfect. Thinking it would matter.

She puts everything away. She folds the tablecloth, tosses the flowers and scrapes the pie down the bin. She can’t imagine eating it now. She feels sick looking at it. She puts the photo albums away without opening them.

When she’s finally done, there’s not a trace of all her hard work, just a pile of dishes in the sink. She feels numb. She starts to wash up, slow paced as if she’s in a trance. She feels like she’s floating outside her body.

She hears the front door open, knows that it’s Charity. She doesn’t turn around to look at her. Feels like she’ll crumble at the least sign of sympathy.

The floorboards creak. She can tell Charity has entered the kitchen and is probably observing the change since she left.

”He didn’t show up?” she asks quietly.

”No, he did,” Vanessa says, fighting like mad to keep her voice steady. ”He just had to leave again, is all.”

Tears spill over and she tries to stop them from falling with the back of her hand. It’s not working. She grips the sink, hard. She’s suddenly weak at the knees.

Charity is close to her then.

”Ness,” she says, her voice tinged with worry. ”Are you okay?”

And it’s the kindness and care that does it. Vanessa’s knees give out and she sinks to the floor. She cries freely now. She can’t stop herself.

She can’t believe she fell for it again. That she allowed him to sweet talk his way into her life, and that she gave him the benefit of the doubt like an idiot. He doesn’t care enough to know that by showing up like this, he opens her wounds up again, and by leaving he nonchalantly pours salt into them. It would have hurt less if he hadn’t showed up at all.

Vanessa presses her face into her knees and cradles her legs. She doesn’t want Charity to see her like this.

”Ignore me. I’m fine,” she manages without looking up.

She feels Charity slide down and sit down beside her.

”You’re obviously not.”

Charity just sits close beside her on the floor while she cries.

”Do you want to tell me what happened?” Charity asks when the sobs have subsided a little.

”He just wanted me to take care of some bag for him. He didn’t want to come here to see me. He just wanted someplace to hide his dodgy stuff.”

”Ah.”

”It’s fine. It’s just phantom pain or something. He’s not been a real dad for 13 years. I just let my imagination fly away with me. I’m so stupid!”

”No, you’re not.”

”And now my mum’s mad at me too.”

”To be fair, babe, your relationship with your dad is none of her business.”

”She thinks I’ve chosen him over her. It’s the worst thing I could have done to her. She hates him.”

”Yeah, but she’ll get over that. She loves, you doesn’t she?”

Vanessa knows Charity meant that as encouragement and not a question.

”No,” Vanessa says, feeling a little sick when she admits it out loud for the first time. ”No, I don’t think so.” 

”I didn’t know it was that bad.”

”She’s never liked me. But I know what to expect from her. I don’t expect anything. And then he comes along, and promises me something different, you know?” The words tumble out of her now that she’s started. ”He was always so different from her. I really thought that he loved me, when I was a kid and he still lived with us. But then he just went away, and was gone for years without even a card on my birthday, and… if he who actually used to love me, didn’t anymore… How could anyone?” 

”Ness,” Charity breathes.

”I just can’t stop wondering what’s so wrong about me,” Vanessa croaks, ”that makes neither of my parents care about me.” Her chin wobbles dangerously and hot tears spill out. She’s never said this out loud to anyone, despite it being a thought that constantly lingers.

”Ness…” Charity sighs again, and puts her arm around Vanessa’s shoulders.

”I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting my pathetic problems on you,” she sobs.

”Ness. Listen to me. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Charity rests her chin on Vanessa’s knee, peering up at her. ”You’re brilliant. They don’t deserve you.”

”I’m so sick of feeling like even less than an afterthought to both of them.”

”Then sod both of them, Ness! You don’t need them!” Charity carefully wipes all of Vanessa’s tears away. ”You’re doing great. You’re clever, you’re kind, you’ve got friends, you’re going to be a vet. You’ve got everything going for you. Don’t let them drag you down and think you’re anything less than fantastic, alright?”

Vanessa isn’t so far gone into her despair that she doesn’t blush when Charity lavishes all that praise on her. ”Blimey,” she sniffles. ”You hit your head?”

”Babe,” Charity murmurs. Her hand cups Vanessa’s head, she runs her fingers through her hair. ”You’re the only thing in this whole world that’s pure and good and right.” 

Charity’s green eyes are so sincere and full of something that makes Vanessa’s heart start to hammer violently against her sternum.

Charity pushes a few strands of hair behind Vanessa’s ear and a thrill crackles down her spine. She leans into Charity’s touch, it’s just instinct. Charity’s eyes darken and her face suddenly feels so close to Vanessa’s.

Charity’s lips are soft and Vanessa has to tighten her grip around her own knees so she won’t press herself hard against Charity. The rush through her body is that strong. She stays still, her heart pounding harder than ever before. 

Then Charity leans away suddenly. ”Shit,” she mutters. ”I’m sorry.”

The one brain cell of Vanessa’s that’s still works makes her reach for Charity.

”Wait.” She touches Charity’s wrist lightly. ”Please don’t be sorry.”

”No?” Charity breathes, her eyes wide.

Vanessa shakes her head and then they’re kissing again. This time, Vanessa doesn’t keep still, but presses her lips firmer against Charity’s, opening her lips just a little. Charity makes a noise and Vanessa’s insides turn into liquid heat.

It’s like an avalanche then. They kiss, deep, and it’s like they can’t get close enough. They grab at each other, paw at each other’s clothes and Vanessa vibrates with pure excitement of a kind that she’s never felt before. Their legs move restlessly against each other on the kitchen floor.

Vanessa has never been kissed like this. The pure want that exudes from Charity’s kisses makes her feel weak and strong at the same time. Neither of them lets up, they kiss like their lives depend on it and Vanessa can’t remember anything else other than _this, right now._

”Do you want to come to my room?” Charity husks and Vanessa gets on her feet and drags Charity off the floor. She doesn’t even remember how they get to Charity’s bed.

Slowly, Charity presses Vanessa down to the mattress and it’s too much, the feeling of their bodies pressed so close. 

Charity rises to her knees and takes her shirt off and Vanessa’s pulse is everywhere. She can’t look away. Charity smiles, like she _knows,_ and Vanessa kisses her again because she doesn’t know what else to do with herself.

The way Charity touches her is different from how everyone who’s ever touched her before. The way her hands explore, sure but still curious is absolutely maddening and it’s different than all the clumsy man hands that came before her. But mostly, Vanessa’s reaction is not really about skill, it’s because it’s _Charity._

Vanessa inhales the smell of her shampoo and Charity notices, presses closer. When Vanessa kisses her beneath her ear, Charity whimpers in a way that makes Vanessa throb. They move against each other, searching for more, and Charity’s hands sneak upwards slowly under Vanessa’s top.

”I’m not completely sure about the mechanics here,” Charity murmurs, as she plays with the top button of Vanessa’s shirt. Something about her earnestness moves Vanessa.

”Me neither,” Vanessa whispers.

Despite that, she can’t believe how easy it is, this that she’s refused to let herself even imagine properly. Charity’s hands and body and smell drives her crazy. She burns and aches and _wants._

When Charity pops one button in Vanessa’s jeans, and then another, Vanessa can’t help but press up against her. It’s not just wanting, it’s _needing._

Charity makes short work of Vanessa’s jeans, tosses them over her shoulder, and Vanessa knows this will be good. She can see it in the gleam of Charity’s eyes, and feel it in the deep throb between her own legs.

”These too?” Charity husks, her fingers tracing the waistband of Vanessa’s knickers.

Vanessa just nods, she can’t trust her voice to hold, but when Charity gets rid of her underwear and touches her she is past caring that her voice breaks in a sob.

Charity is careful with her at first, asks if the things she does feels good and what she likes and Vanessa tries to answer as best she can. She barely knows, she has never even had sex sober before, but she knows she likes what Charity is doing and no part of her wants to just get on with it. She wants to draw things out so it’ll last forever.

That’s not going to happen though, because feeling Charity moving inside of her is too good.

She’s lost her mind, she begs for Charity to take her harder, go deeper. Things that she’s never asked for and never wanted before now. Charity braces her right hand against the headboard and gives Vanessa everything she wants. They kiss, right up until the end when everything releases and Vanessa can’t stop her scream.

”Jesus, Ness,” Charity pants, her eyes dark as she stares down at Vanessa. ”Are you alright?”

Vanessa nods, because again, she doesn’t trust her voice not to break. She kisses Charity instead, desperately wanting to get even closer. Charity responds with equal fervour.

—


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after, Vanessa wakes up alone.

**1998**

For a few moments, Vanessa is confused about where she is. The light from the window hits her face at a completely different angle than she’s used to. 

She’s not in her own room.

As soon as she comes to, it’s like a light switch.

She’s in Charity’s bed and her body remembers everything. She actually has to catch her breath at the memory sensations that assault all of her senses.

Something’s wrong, though.

Charity isn’t there.

Vanessa rubs her eyes. She can’t see an alarm clock anywhere, but it’s not early morning judging by the sharpness of the sunlight coming in. They hadn’t fallen asleep until dawn had started to creep in through the curtains.

The apartment is eerily silent in a way that makes Vanessa certain Charity isn’t even home. An unpleasant flutter starts in her belly.

She gathers the duvet around her naked body. When she rises, a small piece of paper falls from the bed to the ground. She picks it up.

_ Had to work. See you later. C _

She stares at the impersonal note. She is sure Charity didn’t have a morning shift today. It’s just one of those things she keeps track of, because she can’t help but caring about everything involving Charity.

Fucking hell. 

She lays down on the bed and pulls the duvet over her head, groaning in frustration. The duvet smells of Charity. Her usual scent, and a new one she learned last night.

She pulls the duvet away from her face, breathing easier.

Yesterday had felt like such a relief, like her mind and body were finally free. 

And Charity had said things to her. Things you don’t say if you’re just about to offer someone a bit of comfort sex, surely? 

But Vanessa had been so desperately sad. Maybe Charity just said anything coming into her mind to make Vanessa feel better?

That thought makes Vanessa’s blood stop, that Charity was only trying to comfort her and is avoiding her now because it’s just too hard to deal with the fallout. That’s why Vanessa usually tries to leave before someone wakes up, so she doesn’t have to go through the whole ”oh, this was fun,  _ but…” _

She tries to gather her thoughts by taking a shower. Even if Charity regrets what happened, Vanessa can’t quite bring herself to. Even if it seems like she might get her heart broken. 

Her thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell, and Vanessa hurries out, grabbing a robe and making a trail of water droplets from the bathroom to the front door.

”Rhona!” she exclaims in surprise. Rhona looks just as surprised when she looks at Vanessa. ”What are you doing here?”

”Um. I’m here to meet your dad and to take you to uni for a tour?”

”Oh. That.” Vanessa had completely forgot about that. ”Sorry. It’s been cancelled.”

”Did something happen?”

”I just let myself forget what an arsehole he is. He reminded me.” 

Vanessa finds herself quite calm about it now, unlike yesterday. It’s like she’s cried out all the tears she had left for him yesterday and there’s just nothing left in the tank. He’s hurt her so many times. This was the very last, if she’s got anything to say about it.

”Are you okay?”

”I’m fine,” Vanessa says, forcing a smile. ”Come in and sit down, I’ll put the kettle on.”

”Let’s go out instead,” Rhona suggests. ”It’s super hot out and I’ve got Pete’s pickup. You can tell me what happened.”

”Just give me a second to go sort myself out.”

—

The hot sun bites at Vanessa’s skin where she sits at the back of Pete’s old dirty pickup. Rhona has put a blanket out for them but it’s so full of grease it hardly matters.

”Are you sure you’re okay, Ness?” Rhona asks, squeezing Vanessa’s arm. Vanessa has been distracted the entire time they’ve been out, finds herself losing focus of what they’re talking about over and over again. She can’t stop thinking about last night, and Charity not being there this morning.

”Yeah, yeah. Fine.”

”Because you haven’t answered any of my questions for the last five minutes.”

”Sorry.”

”Did something bad happen with your dad?” 

Rhona doesn’t know much about Vanessa’s dad, other than him not being around much, and Vanessa doesn’t really feel the need to talk about it with her. She has Charity for that. Or had, anyway.

”Nothing I shouldn’t have seen coming. It’s not really that.”

”What is it then? I can tell something’s on your mind.”

A part of Vanessa isn’t sure how Rhona will react to the truth, but another part is dying to tell her, to make some sense of it.

”I had sex last night,” she starts.

”Okay?”

”With  _ Charity,” _ Vanessa whispers.

”Oh my god!” Rhona squeals and starts bouncing where she sits. ”I knew it! I knew there was something between the two of you!”

”Can you please keep your voice down?” Vanessa hisses.

”Come on, Ness,” Rhona laughs. ”There’s no one around for miles! You have to tell me everything!”

Vanessa fixates on her feet dangling off the edge of the pickup. At least Rhona doesn’t seem grossed out this time. Even so, Vanessa doesn’t really know how or where to start.

”Come on! How was it then?” Rhona asks and Vanessa feels all the blood in her body flow to her cheeks.  _ ”Okay. _ So good then, huh?” Rhona grins.

Vanessa bites her lip. ”So good. I didn’t think, or know…” she sighs. ”It was good.”

”What was the difference, from all the guys you’ve been with?”

”Everything? For the first time it just felt easy and right and god, Rhona, I don’t know…” Vanessa presses a hand to her forehead in an attempt to still her raging thoughts.

”What?”

”I think I… No, I  _ really _ like her. Like  _ properly  _ like her. I have for a while, but this just made things a hundred times worse.”

”Why is it worse?”

”I don’t think she feels the same way. We didn’t speak this morning.”

”What? Why!”

”She’d left a note saying she had work. I found it when I woke up.”

”Well, if she had to work—”

”Yeah, but I think she lied. I think she just didn’t want to face me.”

”Maybe she was just nervous?”

”Come on, Rhona. I know what it means when you sneak out on someone. I’ve done it plenty of times myself.”

”Okay… But you’ve never left a note, have you?”

”No.”

”Maybe that means something.”

”Like what?”

”I don’t know! But I think you should talk to her.”

”I can’t really avoid it, since we live together,” Vanessa mutters. For the first time in a long time, she wishes that wasn’t the case.

—

After Rhona drops her off at home, she dithers about what to do. She’s unable to sit still or concentrate on anything. She should just wait until Charity comes home from work and talk to her then, but her nerves makes her impatient. She needs to rip this plaster off fast before she loses her mind.

She drags her feet over the road towards The Station. She dreads talking to Charity, afraid of what she’ll find out if she pushes her. But it’s even worse sitting at home waiting.

”Hello pet,” Diane says. There’s no trace of Charity behind the bar. ”What can I do for you?”

”I’m looking for Charity.”

”Down the cellar, changing a barrel. I reckon she’ll be up in a jiff.”

Vanessa orders a pint while she waits. For once she shuts down Diane’s attempts at small talk. Diane seems surprised but doesn’t comment. Vanessa feels bad for being rude, but she can’t bring herself to do anything about it.

A few minutes later Charity emerges from the back. She stops in her tracks when she sees Vanessa. For a few moments, she looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Then she schools her features.

”Hi,” Charity says.

”Hi. You alright?”

”Yep. Yes, yeah.”

It’s the most awkward Charity has ever been around her. It’s painful. Vanessa understands why Charity decided to run off now. She does not seem happy to see Vanessa.

Charity taps a beermat against the bar and Vanessa looks down her pint. She hoped it wouldn’t feel this way. Like one big giant mistake.

”Maybe we should talk,” she says without looking up.

Charity draws a deep breath, like the very idea pains her. ”Sure. Let’s talk.”

”Maybe in private, yeah?”

”Diane, can I take my break now?”

”You go on, pet. Seems like you two have some things to sort out.”

Vanessa startles. She doesn’t think Diane knows what happened between them. But the awkward tension is probably radiating off them both.

Vanessa follows Charity out the back door. As soon as they’re out in the alley, Charity lights a cigarette, a sight Vanessa hasn’t seen in months.

”I thought you quit?” 

”I’m having a relapse,” Charity says, blowing out smoke through her nose.

Vanessa doesn’t like the energy between them. Charity’s guard is up, and it makes Vanessa unsure of how to approach her. She isn’t used to Charity being this standoffish around her anymore.

”So you wanted to talk?” Charity asks, her voice tense.

”Yes. About, you know, last night.”

”Mhm?” Charity flicks her cigarette impatiently.

”You’re not going to help me out at all, are you?” Vanessa sighs.

Charity paces a little before speaking. 

”Okay, how about this? Let’s not make a big deal out of it. It was just sex, it doesn’t have to be that complicated. We can still be friends, right?”

Disappointment weighs heavy in Vanessa’s gut. This is what she was afraid of. That it was just something that happened between them that didn’t really mean anything to Charity. That she regrets it, even.

”Right.”

”You were sad, you needed someone to comfort you and I was there…”

Vanessa’s hackles rise. ”What are you saying, that it was just some kind of pity fuck?”

”No.” Charity looks down at her cigarette.

”Because that doesn’t really fit with what you said last night.” 

_ You’re the only thing in this whole world that’s pure and good and right.  _

Vanessa has heard those words in her mind all day. No one has ever said anything like that to her before. She’s not going to let Charity get away with saying things like that to her and then walking them back the day after. She’s had enough of people saying things to her that they don’t mean.

She’d hoped that this would be easy, sleeping together sure had been. But nothing about trying to talk to Charity about feelings, when she is about as approachable as a cactus, is easy.

Charity keeps pacing angrily. ”Ness, I’ve told you it’s fine! I know you don’t feel that way about me. Let’s just try and forget it, yeah?”

_ What? _

Vanessa stares at Charity. None of it adds up to her.

There’s something about the way Charity is speaking, too. Vanessa knows it well. It’s that fake air of indifference that Charity puts on when she doesn’t want to let on she cares. 

For the first time today, Vanessa feels hopeful.

To hell with it. They’ve already crossed one huge threshold by sleeping together, she might just cross another. If it all goes tits up then at least she’s tried.

”I don’t want to forget about it,” she says fiercely, like she doesn’t feel like she’s going to faint from putting it all out there. ”I like you, Charity. Not just as a friend.”

Now it’s Charity’s turn to stare.

”You like me?” she asks, like it’s the most shocking statement she’s ever heard uttered.

”Yes.” Vanessa forces herself to keep eye contact with Charity. ”A lot.”

”Right.” Charity looks down at her cigarette again, drops it to the ground and steps on it. ”I thought you made it pretty clear you weren’t interested.”

”What are you talking about?”

”When I almost kissed you and you ran off like your backside was on fire and fed me some obvious lie about meeting Rhona? And then you acted weird for days after!”

Something falls into place in Vanessa’s mind then.

_ Oh. _

”And then you said it was fine…” Vanessa breathes. “I thought you meant  _ you _ weren’t interested!”

She’d been so wrapped up in her own anxieties, she hadn’t seen what was right in front of her.

”Flaming heck, Ness,” Charity sighs. ”Aren’t you supposed to be clever?”

Vanessa laughs with relief, then. ”You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed yourself.”

They regard each other in silence, trying to make sense of what’s just been said.

”So we’re both pretty thick, eh?” Charity says.

”I reckon so.”

They smile at each other, almost shy now. They’ve gravitated closer to one another and now that they’re close enough to touch, Charity runs her fingers over the strap Vanessa’s tank top.

”You look pretty hot all scantily clad like this,” she murmurs and Vanessa flushes.

When they kiss this time, it’s soft and tentative. Not urgent. Vanessa swoons at Charity’s hands in her hair and mirrors the motion. She is filled with a fierce elation, the likes of which she’s never felt before.

”It’s a few hours until my shift ends,” Charity says between kisses. ”You want to stick around ’til then?”

”Depends. Do I get free beer?”

”High maintenance already.” Charity rolls her eyes with a laugh. ”Why am I not surprised?” 

Charity’s laughter makes Vanessa’s chest ache with happiness.

—

Vanessa props up the bar while Charity works. It’s a busy evening and they don’t have time to talk much. Vanessa doesn’t mind. She drinks a few pints, chats to some of the regulars she knows and watches Charity do her thing. She’s done this countless times before, hanging by the bar just to be near Charity. Only now she can be honest with herself about why, and watch Charity without shame. 

It’s been a hot day, and Charity has tied her white shirt up above her jeans shorts. New ones, Vanessa thinks because she’s never seen them before. When they first started living together, Charity had very few clothes, but the longer time has gone on, many more items has showed up in Charity’s repertoire. When Vanessa asked her once, Charity told her that there had never been a point for her to own loads of clothes, because she could only keep what she could carry. Now that she has a place for her things, she enjoys shopping. Vanessa often finds new bags around the flat.

She allows herself to watch Charity, and really take in how beautiful she is. She’s never really let herself before, always scolding herself for having inappropriate thoughts of her friend.

She loves the way Charity moves, her body language is confident and laid back. She jokes easily with the punters, and quickly shuts down anyone who gets too gobby. She is pure force. Vanessa looks at Charity’s hands working, nimble and sure, and is reminded about how they felt on her last night.

Charity catches Vanessa’s eye while she’s filling a pint. Her eyebrows shoot up for a second. Vanessa’s thoughts must be plain as day on her face. For once, Vanessa refuses to look away. Charity looks back, and Vanessa can actually see the hint of a blush under the low lights over the bar.

”Shit,” Charity mutters when the pint she’s filling overflows and spills over her hands.

Vanessa hides a laugh. It’s a thrill to see Charity flustered to the point that she forgot what she was doing.

Vanessa stares some more, because she wants to and it’s fun to see Charity react to it. After cleaning up her mess, Charity moves to Vanessa’s end of the bar.

”You’re going to have to stop looking at me like that,” she whispers.

”Oh? Why is that then?” Vanessa smirks.

Charity narrows her eyes. ”You know very well, lady.”

”Maybe I just like looking at you.”

”I can tell that you do, babe. It’s just very distracting.”

”Sorry. I can’t help it,” Vanessa whispers, letting the tip of her little finger touch Charity’s hand.

”Bloody hell, Ness,” Charity breathes. ”This next hour is going to be agony.”

She’s not wrong. Only now, Charity is looking back at Vanessa in a way that makes her squirm in her seat. Every chance she gets, Charity lets her eyes caress over Vanessa in a way that’s not the least bit subtle.

To have Charity’s full attention like this is the most intoxicating thing Vanessa has ever experienced. Her skin prickles and her pulse picks up speed, everywhere.

By the end of Charity’s shift, Vanessa is so wet it’s starting to become uncomfortable.

She’s never thought she could experience something like that, just from looking at someone and someone looking back.

”Bye Diane, gotta dash!” Charity hollers through the back as soon as her shift ends. She rounds the bar and takes Vanessa’s hand, pulling her off her stool and out of the pub.

The door to their building doesn’t even close properly before Charity is on Vanessa, kissing her like there’s no tomorrow while clumsily trying to get up the stairs. After stumbling a few times, they laugh and let go of each other for long enough so they can get into their apartment. 

”You can’t look at me like that while I’m working, Ness,” Charity husks. It sounds like anything but an admonishment. ”Have you any idea how wet I am right now?”

Vanessa’s response dies in her throat, she just moans and pulls Charity to her through the belt hoops in her shorts.

Charity seems to be even further gone than Vanessa is, she presses herself against Vanessa’s thigh, grinds against it while making these maddening frustrated little noises. It’s so hot Vanessa can’t quite believe it’s happening. She feels emboldened by Charity’s desire, and the knowledge that they’re both equally into this.

She fumbles with the fly on Charity’s shorts for a few agonizing seconds until it opens for her.

”Jesus, yes,” Charity hisses when Vanessa touches her and Vanessa’s brain grinds to a halt at the abundance of wetness she finds. She doesn’t have time to marvel at it because Charity pushing herself hard against her fingers. She puts her own hand over Vanessa’s, pressing her even closer. ”Ness,” she pants. ”That’s so good.”

Vanessa kisses her and lets her fingers circle Charity’s clit and just a few moments later, Charity buries her face in Vanessa’s neck and comes, crying out against her skin.

It was quick and while Vanessa’s never seen anything more beautiful ever (or at least, not since last night), she’s not done.

On their way to bed, Charity peels off all of her clothes, while Vanessa only has time to pull her top over her head before she gets distracted by Charity’s nakedness. 

”You’re so beautiful,” she manages, her throat suddenly thick with emotion. She hadn’t allowed herself to think too much yesterday, but now she feels overwhelmed by the fact that they’re here, actually on the same page.

They kiss, slow and languid. Taking the time to really feel each other, before Charity straddles Vanessa on the bed. Charity unhooks Vanessa’s bra and presses closer. Vanessa lets her teeth and tongue travel up and down Charity’s throat, making her shiver and moan. When she nibbles at Charity’s ear, Charity cries out and Vanessa is starting to feel frantic. She wants her so much.

“What do you want?” Vanessa asks because she scaresly knows where to start.

Charity’s restless body stills atop Vanessa and Vanessa lets her hand be pulled between Charity’s legs again. ”Slow, this time,” Charity whispers and guides Vanessa’s fingers inside.

Vanessa does as she’s asked. She’s never felt the urge to please someone like this. She wants to give Charity everything, everything she’s got. And when she’s done she wants to do it all over again. She can’t get enough of the sight of Charity above her, shivering with pleasure for every twist of Vanessa’s fingers.

She goes torturously slow until Charity is shaking and begging for more and then Vanessa gives that too, just as willingly.

—

”Why did you leave this morning?” Vanessa lets her fingers play over Charity’s clavicle. They didn’t do this yesterday. They just exhausted themselves and fell asleep, but now, there’s time for this.

”I didn’t want it to be weird.” Charity’s hand rests on Vanessa’s, stilling it on her chest.

”Did you really not understand I liked you?”

”I’d noticed you looking at me sometimes. But I didn’t think it meant anything. You’re gay and I’m hot.” Charity shrugs.

Vanessa laughs a little. ”I thought it was well obvious that it wasn’t just that.”

Charity shakes her head. ”I guess I’m not used to this.”

”What? Being with a woman?”

”Yeah, I mean that too. I’m not used to anyone liking me. Feelings and things... It’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier just to leave, isn’t it? I didn’t want to ruin things between us. I really like living here with you.”

Vanessa hadn’t truly considered what had been at stake for Charity. Not only their friendship, but also her home. If things had really gone sour between them, Vanessa could have asked her to leave. She can’t imagine embarking on a relationship with Charity where they’re not equal. Where Charity will worry about having to leave if she does something wrong.

”Let’s make a deal,” Vanessa says. ”Whatever happens with us, this is always your home. You can count on that.”

”Even if I’m a total bitch and you suddenly don’t like me anymore?” Charity frowns. “Or if I do something really stupid and muck everything up?”

Vanessa doesn’t like imagining what kind of scenario that would entail, but it doesn’t really matter.

”Even then.” 

”Yeah?” Charity looks like she can’t quite believe it.

Vanessa laces their fingers together. ”Yeah.”

Charity buries her face in Vanessa’s shoulder. ”I’ll really try not to muck up,” she murmurs against Vanessa’s skin.

”Me too.” Vanessa rubs her nose in Charity’s hair. She has never ever wanted anything to work more than this.

—


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa and Charity's relationship (not a relationship!) progresses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Some homophobia in this chapter.

**1998**

”These overalls are really working for you, babe,” Charity whispers into the back of Vanessa’s hair. She pulls at the sides of the green overalls Vanessa has put on for work.

”You’ve got weird tastes,” Vanessa laughs.

Charity bites lightly at Vanessa’s neck, making her shiver.

”Maybe I do. Are you going to complain about it?” Charity keeps nibbling at Vanessa’s neck.

”No complaints from me,” Vanessa breathes and presses back into Charity’s hips. 

It’s an adjustment getting used to being this happy. Vanessa feels like she’s flying high most of the time, drunk with endorphins and dopamine. Drunk on Charity.

She thought passion like this was made up. She never actually believed any of her friends when they talked about feeling like this with men. She always assumed they put most of it it on, as she always had to do.

But Charity can kiss her until she’s so lightheaded she could float off the ground. Can ravish her to the point of exhaustion and still have her waking up a few hours later wanting more.

Vanessa never wants it to end. Her feelings have blossomed under Charity’s attention and she knows what this is now, without a shadow of a doubt. 

It’s still too soon for all that, though. They haven’t even defined their relationship. It is what it is. It’s the most meaningful thing Vanessa has ever had with another person, and she thinks that might be true for Charity too. But neither of them is willing to admit to it yet. 

A car horn sounds from the street below.

”Saved by the bell, eh,” Charity sighs. Vanessa turns with a pout and Charity kisses it off her lips. ”Go on then. Don’t make him wait like last time.”

”That was all your fault,” Vanessa accuses. 

”Sure it was, babe,” Charity grins. ”See you later.”

Vanessa steals one last kiss before running down the stairs. 

Outside waits Ed, her boss for the summer. He’s a seasoned vet who specializes in farm animals. She worked for him last year too, mostly doing mundane tasks in his office, but now that she’s about to start her last year of vet school, he had promised to let her assist with surgeries and help him more hands on in the field.

It’s only been a week but so far it’s everything she’s dreamed it would be. The work in the field is dirty and tough on the body, but she grows stronger every day and learns so much. Ed isn’t much of a talker, but he’s generous with his knowledge. 

”Alright, lass,” he says when she slides into the seat next to him. ”Are you ready to vaccinate some unruly sheep?”

”Yes!” Vanessa exclaims. ”Can’t wait!”

”To be young again,” he chuckles. He is often amused by her enthusiasm over the most routine jobs. After four years of schooling, Vanessa is more than ready to get her hands properly dirty.

—

Vanessa’s muscles ache when her shift ends. They had to leave the sheep to rush to a call out to assist with a calving gone wrong. Vanessa was glad for the extra change of clothes she had stored in her locker.

She finds Charity sitting on the sidewalk outside the clinic. 

”Finally!” Charity exclaims, jumping up from the ground. ”I’ve been waiting for ages.”

”What are you doing here?”

”Thought I’d take you for a ride, didn’t I?” Charity winks and gestures to a bike parked beside her.

”Whose bike is that?”

Charity shrugs. ”I nicked it.”

”Charity!”

”Relax. I’ll return it later if it makes you feel better. Alright then, hop on!” Charity pats the bike rack behind her.

Vanessa hesitates for a second longer. ”Only if you promise you’ll return it.”

_ ”Yes,”  _ Charity sighs. ”Come on!”

Vanessa’s legs swing weightlessly above ground as Charity pedals on, taking them outside town. Suddenly, she swerves off into a tiny pathway through a wooded area. Not far into the woods, secluded by the trees, is a small pond.

”This reminds me of a place near Wishing Well,” Charity says. ”I used to swim there with my cousins all the time when we were kids.”

Vanessa knows that’s where one of Charity’s many uncles live. She can’t remember which one right now, Charity’s relations are many and complicated. She knows that’s one of the first places Charity went when her father kicked her out, but that she wasn’t allowed to stay for long. That she’d been sent around the family like a handed down piece of clothing that no one really wanted to keep.

”It’s beautiful,” Vanessa says after jumping off the bike. It looks like something out of a fairytale, only a few strands of sunshine breaking through the trees, creating a mystical effect.

”I knew you’d like it.”

”How did you know it was here?” Charity never struck her at the outdoorsy type.

”I had a tent here for a while last spring. The landowner got wind and took it down eventually. But it was a good spot. No one ever came in here. Except the landowner, that one time.”

”You stayed here on your own?”

”Yeah. The first week I got here I stayed in a flat with a bunch of other girls, but I never could stand them places. Punters coming and going all the time. You lose track of time. I’d rather live in a ratty tent on my own.”

Not for the first time, Vanessa tries to imagine what Charity’s life has been like. It hurts to think of what she’s been through. Despite her mother’s many flaws, Vanessa believes that she could at least get a roof over her head and food in her belly if she truly needed it. But Charity has no one. No friends, and no family she can turn to. She blinks away tears that come suddenly. It’s not for her to cry about it if Charity doesn’t.

”Sorry. Hardly the stuff of romance novels,” Charity says contritely.

”Hey. I want to know everything you want to tell me,” Vanessa insists.

”Oh yeah? Are you soft on me or something?” Charity says and bumps Vanessa’s hip with her own.

”So what if I am?” Vanessa challenges and pinches Charity’s hip. Charity pinches her back and then they’re laughing and wrestling each other. Charity pulls away and sprints towards the pond.

”Last one in is a rotten fish,” Charity says and pulls her top over her head.

Vanessa follows Charity’s lead and gets her shorts and shirt off and runs towards the water. She dives in headfirst and the shock of the cold water vibrates through her body. She breaks the surface gasping for air.

She hears Charity laughing from the shore.

”You tricked me!” Vanessa shouts and splashes water in Charity’s direction. Charity just laughs harder and jumps away from the splash. ”You’re evil.”

The water is deep and especially cold by her feet, but her body is already getting used to it. It’s quite nice once the initial shock wears off.

”You’re just too easy,” Charity chuckles.

”Come on. Come in with me,” Vanessa asks.

”No way, babe. I’m not freezing my tits off in there.”

”That  _ would _ be a shame.”

”Wouldn’t it?” Charity’s grin is wicked. She thinks she’s won. Vanessa won’t have that.

”Well, I’m going for a swim,” she declares. ”You can sit there on your own if you like.” She reaches behind her and unhooks her bra and tosses it to Charity who catches it, eyes wide.

Vanessa turns around and starts to swim towards the middle of the pond, and only hears the sound of Charity diving in after her. She  _ knew _ that would work.

Charity appears right beside her. ”Flaming heck, that’s cold!” she gasps.

It’s Vanessa’s turn to laugh. ”Now who’s easy?”

—

Charity has brought butties of beef that were left over at the pub. It’s delicious and Vanessa is starving after the day she’s had. Charity brought a bottle of wine too, but no glasses so they take turns taking swigs off it.

”And then I pulled the calf right.” Vanessa gestures with her hands to demonstrate the grip Ed had showed her. ”And she was exhausted but she came out healthy and so cute!” she gushes. It had been the most amazing experience so far, to help pull a new life into the world that wouldn’t have made it without her help.

”Vanessa Woodfield: Saver of cows.” Vanessa knows it’s supposed to be in jest but the warm tinge Charity’s voice makes Vanessa’s heart summersault in her chest.

Vanessa shivers under the blanket. The water got her cold to the bone and it’s impossible getting warm again. It’s starting to darken and the shadows of the trees doesn’t help. But it’s nerves too.

”Next year,” Vanessa starts. ”After I graduate?”

”Yeah…”

”Do you want to do something?”

”What kind of something?” Charity frowns.

”I’m getting a bit of extra money now that I’m working. Not much, but if we save up, maybe we could go somewhere together? Maybe backpack in Europe or something?”

”You want to go away with me? Next year?”

”Yeah. I mean, if you want to.”

Charity smiles slowly. ”Yeah. I’d like that.”

Vanessa feels dizzy. Even though they haven’t formalized anything about their relationship, deciding to do something major like that next year feels like a commitment for the future.

”Great!” Vanessa says. She’s a little breathless. ”Where do you want to go?”

”Anywhere,” Charity says, and pulls Vanessa to her. Vanessa is not the only one who’s feeling the weight of their plans then, that this means more than either of them are ready to say.

Charity’s mouth is hungry and she pushes Vanessa to her back. Vanessa doesn’t think she’ll ever get over the way Charity kisses her. Like she’s the only person that ever mattered. Soon it’s too much, and Vanessa flips them over, tangling their cold legs together. They’re both heating up now though, from the inside out.

Her hand is on Charity’s breast under her shirt, her teeth scraping down her neck. She can feel her own breath, so hot against the chill of Charity’s skin.

Charity gasps and writhes. ”Always turning the tables on me,” she murmurs, and Vanessa knows she’s not just talking about this.

Vanessa pushes Charity’s t-shirt up and replaces her hand with her mouth.

”Fuck,” Charity breathes and buries her hands in Vanessa’s hair. Vanessa stays there until Charity’s gasps grow loud.

She continues downward, taking the shorts off in one pull. Underneath Charity is bare, their underwear is still drying on the blanket.

Vanessa buries her face in that warmth, feels Charity’s heels dig into her back and her hands tug at her hair.

”Ness,” Charity moans, and Vanessa loves hearing her voice like that. Charity’s hips follow Vanessa now, they move perfectly together, Charity scrambling to hold on. Vanessa can’t help but grin as she lets her tongue play over Charity. She’s good at this, she knows that now. She knows she can wreck Charity in the best way and nothing has ever made her feel more powerful than that. She has never loved anything more.

Charity’s grip tightens and she’s losing her rhythm, her hips stuttering and that’s it, there it is. Charity comes with a cry that sounds more like a sob. Her hips lock around Vanessa’s head so hard that if Vanessa cared she might worry she’d suffocate, but all she cares about is drawing this out as long as possible.

Finally, Vanessa crawls back up, watching Charity gasp for air with her eyes tightly shut. She’ll never get tired of this sight. She lets her hand splay over Charity’s hip and belly. She feels the pulse beat wildly under her fingers.

”Just give me a minute,” Charity pants and laces her fingers with Vanessa’s. ”Jesus, woman,” she laughs when she finally opens her eyes. 

Not a single part of Vanessa is cold anymore.

—

A few days later, they meet Rhona and Pete for drinks. Vanessa doesn’t get to see Rhona as much now that they’ve got different summer jobs. 

They opted not to go to The Station for once, since Charity fancies a change of scenery. 

”Finally a place that isn’t showing the World Cup,” she sighs. ”It’s doing my head in!”

”Not a footie fan, eh?” Pete asks.

”You wouldn’t be either if you had to watch it 24/7,” Charity replies. ”If it’s not matches it’s people going on and on about it.” Diane has bought two huge new television sets to lure in people during the World Cup and Charity has lamented the fact ever since. ”I don’t get it. It’s just men chasing a ball!”

”We have to go to The Station to watch one of the games!” Vanessa says to Rhona and Pete. 

They both nod enthusiastically.

”I have no idea why you lot seem so excited,” Charity grumbles.

”At least you don’t have your skin clawed out by feral kittens at work, eh?” says Rhona and proudly displays her badly scratched up hands. 

”And Vanessa is up to her elbows in cow muck all day and she’s just as happy as you,” Charity chuckles. ”I think you’ve both been indoctrinated at uni.”

Vanessa and Rhona compare vet injuries while Charity and Pete give each other meaningful looks. They have a good time, and later Vanessa slaughters them all at pool.

”Nicely played, babe,” Charity says and offers Vanessa a high five. Then she leans close and whispers ”You’ll get your reward later, yeah?” and kisses Vanessa under her ear.

Vanessa’s smile freezes when she sees the look of discomfort on Pete’s face. He couldn’t have heard what Charity whispered, but he definitely saw the kiss. 

”Something the matter?” Charity asks him.

”Just maybe tone it down a little, yeah?” he mutters. Rhona gives him a sharp elbow in the side, but too late.

It’s as though he’s dumped a bucket of ice water over Vanessa. Her whole body goes rigid.

Charity’s smile is that of a crocodile. ”Oh, you mean like every time we’ve been forced to watch you attempt to choke Rhona with your massive slobbering tongue? Yeah, maybe we should do it like that instead.”

Pete goes bright red. ”I just meant—”

”I know what you meant,” Charity interrupts. 

Pete skulks off to the loos, his tail between his legs.

Vanessa is abuzz with conflicting emotions. She is mortified. She thought Pete was okay with them, that it was safe to let down her guard a little. And at the same time she’s exhilarated about the ease that Charity took him on. She hadn’t even flinched.

Rhona attempts to smooth over the situation with stilted small talk and Vanessa does her best to keep up. Their fallout is still at the back of her mind, maybe it will always be there like a scar that itches sometimes. Charity does nothing to ease up the tension, she just stares at Rhona and Vanessa like they’re both mad.

Pete comes back eventually, looking contrite.

”I think I’m going to head home,” he says, scratching the back of his head. ”Sorry, Ness. Charity. I was out of line.”

Charity nods curtly.

”Totally fine,” Vanessa says with a dismissive wave of her hand. ”Forgotten already.”

\--

”Are you cross with me for giving Pete what for?” Charity demands during their walk back to the apartment.

”I’m not cross. I just think it was unnecessary.”

”Unnecessary? So I was expected to just swallow it when he looked at us like we were some kind of bad smell?”

”No, but—”

”And tell us to tone it down when we barely did anything! What a bloody hypocrite!”

”Why are you so upset about this?”

”Why aren’t you?”

The question gives Vanessa pause. ”I  _ am _ upset. But that’s how people react, isn’t it?”

She remembers her mum shutting off the telly after the news that Freddie Mercury had died. ”Those people have it coming,” she’d said and Vanessa has never been able to forget about it. It hadn’t been the first time, nor the last that her mother had said something that seemed to pierce through every layer of Vanessa’s soul.

”And you’re fine with that? Because I sure as hell am not!”

”Great.” Vanessa unlocks the door with jerky movements. ”I’m glad everything’s  _ so _ easy for you. I’m going to bed.”

Vanessa closes her bedroom door behind her and starts changing for the night. She feels raw and ashamed. Because she didn’t stand up for them, like Charity had. And because she is making Charity feel like she did something wrong by doing so.

It doesn’t take her very long to swallow her pride and knock on Charity’s door.

Charity is in bed, her hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. She turns towards Vanessa.

”I’m sorry,” Vanessa says.

Charity sighs and lifts her duvet so Vanessa can crawl in beside her.

”Sometimes you’re really hard to understand, babe,” Charity says. ”I was just trying to defend us both.”

”I know you were. You’re so much braver than I am.” She takes a deep breath. ”I think it’s just… for so long I worried about what people would think of me. If I was gay. So much that I tried  _ really _ hard not to be. It doesn’t just go away, that feeling of shame. Sometimes I feel like I’m branded.”

Charity nods slowly.

”You don’t feel that way?” Vanessa asks.

”No. But this just happened to me. It wasn’t something I’d ever thought of before I met you.”

”You hadn’t?”

”No, not really. You were going off on me about taking care of my dishes and I was like ’Huh, she’s pretty hot when she’s shouty.’ The rest is history.”

Vanessa chuckles. ”I’ve thought about it for a really long time.”

”I know, babe.”

”Maybe that’s the difference. I’ve known there’s something wrong with me for ages.”

”Oi. There’s nothing wrong with you. You wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong with me, would you?”

”No.”

”There you go then. Plus, I reckon something that feels this good could never be wrong.” Charity waggles her eyebrows.

Vanessa blushes at the implication. They kiss and Vanessa feels her anxieties float away. Charity has that effect on her. She makes Vanessa feel better about herself and she makes it seem easy.

”Hey. You know what we should do?” Charity exclaims.

”What?

”We should go to that gay club! I think there’s a new one next week. I talked to the bloke who puts the posters up. Apparently it’s a monthly thing.”

Vanessa has not thought of that club since Rhona tried to persuade her to go. So much has changed since then.

”I didn’t think wanted to go to that?”

”You really are thick sometimes, babe,” Charity laughs. ”I thought you’d have birds crawling all over you, didn’t I.” 

”You were jealous?” Vanessa gasps. She likes the thought of that.

”Please,” Charity huffs but she’s already showed her hand. 

”You were!”

_ ”Anyway, _ it might be fun having a snog in public for a change, yeah?”

”I didn’t know public snogging was that important to you,” Vanessa murmurs. They’ve never done that. Charity leaned in once on the street and Vanessa had flinched back, nervously glancing around for prying eyes.

”It’s not. Just thought it’d be fun. It might make you feel a bit better when you don’t have to worry about people judging us all the time.”

Vanessa feels guilty. She’s uptight and she knows it. It’s a difficult shift, going from being in denial to being with someone completely unbothered by people’s judging stares. Charity simply doesn’t care about any of it, and if someone has something to say, she doesn’t hesitate to bite their head off. Vanessa wants to be like that so badly. Charity deserves that.

”Okay,” Vanessa says. ”Let’s do it.”

—

The Oasis is as much of a dive as Vanessa remembers from years ago it, but it’s been glammed up considerably for the night. The music is loud and Vanessa feels out of sorts, like her heartbeat is just as loud.

”I’ll get us some drinks,” Charity says. Vanessa finds a table in a corner. She sits and watches the growing crowd of people filling the club. She feels self conscious without being able to pinpoint why. Like she’s the odd one out at a school disco.

Charity returns with cocktails and kisses Vanessa’s cheek when she slides down beside her. No one seems to pay them any mind.

”Babe, you’re wound tight as a feather,” Charity says, putting her arm around Vanessa’s back.

”Sorry.”

They sit and chat on their own, Charity’s arm around Vanessa the whole time. It makes her feel safe, and she relaxes slowly. Dares to look around a little and spots two women holding hands and kissing over a table.

Vanessa has never seen two women kiss before, except once on telly. She looks away, because she feels like she is invading their privacy, but she soon glances back again.

”See? Nobody cares here,” Charity says, squeezing Vanessa’s hip.

Nobody does. No one even looks twice at the couple. That realisation makes Vanessa finally let go of her anxiety. She leans into Charity by her side. She allows herself to feel proud that she’s here with Charity.

They have a few more cocktails in garish colours, Charity tries to figure out what’s in them. Vanessa enjoys just sitting close to her.

A song comes on that makes Vanessa jump up. She’s tipsy and the beat is irresistible.

”Okay, we  _ have _ to dance to this!”

She’s not the only one with the same thought, people are flocking to the dance floor.

”Not bloody Spice Girls,” Charity groans but lets herself be pulled to the dance floor without resisting.

They end up dancing for hours. 

It’s not only fun, there’s something so liberating about dancing with someone she fancies for once. When the slow dances comes on at the end, Vanessa doesn’t hesitate to dance with Charity pressed close. 

They kiss until the lights come on and the staff asks them to go home.

—

Vanessa’s entire body aches as she comes home from work. She’s been up since first light, going with Ed on a call out early and then they just kept working through the day and their regular appointments. 

Normally she’d stop by The Station to say hi to Charity, but Charity is working late and the place will be packed for the England-Colombia match anyway. Vanessa would have liked to see it, but there’s no way she’ll even be able to keep her eyes open until kick off.

She takes a thorough shower, getting the farm smell out of her hair. Later she eats a few dry slices of toast laying in front of the telly, mindlessly listening to the pre game analysis. She smiles when she thinks of how Charity must be rolling her eyes behind the bar right now. She thinks analyzing football is the stupidest thing ever and loves to complain about having to listen to it every day.

Vanessa misses her, even though she just saw her this morning, all sleepy and beautiful when Vanessa had to go to work.

When it’s time for bed, Vanessa hesitates. She has been sleeping in Charity’s bed for weeks now, but now that she’s alone, it suddenly feels presumptions to lay down in there uninvited.

She basically only goes in her own room to get things nowadays, and it seems strange to lay down there on her own, but only for a few moments. She falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow.

She only wakes when Charity sneaks down behind her. It seems like only minutes later, but a good few hours must have passed.

Vanessa hums her approval and pulls Charity’s arm around herself, relishing in the closeness. Something makes her stir though. It’s the way Charity feels. She is shivering, but without being cold.

”You okay?” Vanessa asks, her voice hoarse with disuse.

”Yeah, babe. Go back to sleep.”

Vanessa hears from the tension in Charity’s voice that’s it’s not true.

”Are you sure?”

Charity sighs and falls onto her back, rubbing her forehead.

”It’s stupid.”

Vanessa doesn’t press, she just waits.

”For a second I thought I saw him when I was walking home from work.”

”Who?”

_ ”Him.  _ Bails.”

”What?” Vanessa sits up in the bed, suddenly wide awake. The idea of that man being anywhere near Charity fills her with fear and fury alike. ”Did he see you?”

”I just thought I saw his back from afar. I think I’d recognize that bloody gait anywhere. But then I thought, I used to see him all the time, back in Leeds. At the corner of my eye. And then I’d turn around and there would be no one. He was like a ghost, haunting me. It’s probably just my mind playing tricks on me again.”

”Have you been thinking about him recently?”

”No. That’s what’s so strange. I haven’t at all. I’ve been too busy, haven’t I?” She smiles a little. ”I don’t want to think of him. I don’t want him back in my head again.”

”Are you’re sure it wasn’t him?”

”Yeah. I’m just jittery. It’s my daft imagination. What would he be doing here anyway?”

Vanessa has no answer, but she can tell how spooked Charity is, no matter if it was real or not, and that scares her.

”Can I do anything?”

Charity lays down on Vanessa’s shoulder, cuddling up to her chest to hip. ”Do that thing I like,” she murmurs.

Vanessa smiles and lets her hand comb through Charity’s hair and then scratch at her scalp. Charity sighs and Vanessa can feel her body slowly relax in degrees, until her breath is even and deep.

—


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa thinks it's time to make things official.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how to write a coherent summary for this chapter. Let's just say there's a lot going on...
> 
> Also, I've had a lot on in the last month or so. Thanks to those who checked in, everything's fine. :) Time is just not something I have a lot of right now.

**1998**

Charity is on edge over the next few days, despite insisting she is sure it wasn’t Bails that she saw.

She’s jumpy and more irritable than usual, but Vanessa lets her be. She understands why. She stays close and doesn’t take the bait when Charity gets snippy.

Instead Vanessa lets Charity bury her face in her neck each night, while she combs her fingers through Charity’s hair until she falls asleep.

The way the tension seems to melt away from Charity when Vanessa is being extra tender with her makes Vanessa’s chest warm. She’s never had this kind of closeness with anyone before.

Even though it hurts to see Charity struggle, there’s something about knowing that she, Vanessa, is the only thing that can help Charity relax. It makes her feel good to know that she’s actually doing something to help. She loves how she can wipe the frown away from Charity’s face, and make her rest as she is now, breathing heavily against Vanessa’s chest.

”Are you staring at me while I’m sleeping?” Charity mumbles without opening her eyes.

”Maybe.” Vanessa murmurs into Charity’s hair.

”Creep,” Charity grins and pinches Vanessa’s hip. Her eyes are still closed.  _ ”Oh, _ that’s nice,” she groans. ”You’ve got magic hands, babe.”

”Perve,” Vanessa chuckles.

Charity’s grin is even wider this time. ”Always,” she mutters, so close to sleep that her voice is thick with it.

—

_ ”Nooo!” _

The pub erupts in an angry cacophony of voices.

”What’s he  _ doing?!” _

”He barely touched him!”

”He kicked him deliberately. It’s a clear red card!”

”No way!”

”Oh, the dramatics,” Charity whispers when she passes Vanessa’s spot by the bar to collect some empties. She lets her hand trace over Vanessa’s leg as she passes in a familiar and a bit possessive move that Vanessa really likes.

Vanessa can’t tear her eyes off the screen while David Beckham walks off the field in disgrace. Her throat is raw after shouting too loud. What a bloody disaster.

It’s the most tense game so far and it ends up going to overtime. Everyone floods to the bar to order more beer to get through it. Charity and Diane work fast, topping people up like their lives depend on it. The flood of punters dies down quickly as soon as the match starts up again.

”Babe?” Charity tugs at Vanessa’s arm over the bar. ”Babe!”

”Yeah?” Vanessa reluctantly turns away from the screen. 

”I was thinking I could take my break now that everyone’s preoccupied with that.” She touches Vanessa’s wrist in a subtle but very suggestive way. It’s sparks like lightning all through Vanessa’s body. ”No one’s going to order anything until after this is done, anyway. Diane can manage without me.”

”Now?” Vanessa protests weakly. ”But it’s—”

”I’ll meet you in the loo’s in two minutes, yeah?” Charity winks and disappears.

Vanessa swallows and glances at Rhona and Pete, both too engrossed in the game to take any notice of them. Pete has chewed his nails down so much, the next step will be gnawing off his fingertips. No one is going to notice her slipping away.

She wipes her suddenly sweaty palms on her skirt and follows Charity.

She’s already forgotten all about the match. Charity is the only thing she cares about. It’s been like that since this started. Charity is the first thing on her mind when she wakes up in the morning, the last thing she thinks of before drifting off to sleep. Charity is woven into the fabric of Vanessa’s brain now. It’s dizzying, both wonderful and terrifying to be this enamoured with someone.

Charity is leaning against one of the booths when Vanessa enters the ladies room. Her eyes sparkle when she opens the door and beckons Vanessa inside.

Their kiss is hot, already searching. It’s exciting, it feels a little dangerous to be doing this here where anyone could walk in.

”I was going to say, who wears a skirt with an England shirt, but then I thought…” Charity lets her hands travel upwards and cup Vanessa’s bottom under the skirt. ”Maybe I shouldn’t complain too much.”

”No you bloody well shouldn’t,” Vanessa says and they kiss again, all messy and electric.

Charity’s nails dig into Vanessa’s skin, making her shiver.

”You’re going to have to be so quiet,” Charity whispers, her hot breath tickling Vanessa’s ear.

”I know,” Vanessa breathes.

Charity’s lips trace over the wildly beating pulse in Vanessa’s neck. There’s something that Charity has released in Vanessa, something unrestrained and wild that is impossible to contain. Keeping quiet will take monumental effort.

”Do you?” Charity asks, moving her left hand to rest on top of Vanessa’s underwear, her fingers caressing lightly over the damp fabric. Vanessa can feel herself throb against Charity’s fingertips. ”You promise? We don’t want Diane wandering in here because you can’t control yourself.”

”Yes I promise!” Vanessa hisses. Charity has a tendency to make her wait for it, and it’s beyond frustrating right now.

Charity laughs quietly and bites at Vanessa’s throat.

”God, you’re such a tease.” Vanessa takes a deep breath to steel herself for trying to keep her voice locked inside.

”You love it,” Charity says confidently, kissing another trail down Vanessa’s neck, making her head fall back against the wall.

”Yes,” Vanessa gasps, as Charity pushes her underwear to the side. ”I do.”

—

Vanessa’s knees wobble dangerously as they make their way back into the bar. Charity looks almost unbearably smug, but Vanessa doesn’t even mind. She has every right to be.

Vanessa has to stop herself from putting her arm around Charity and pulling her close. She feels suddenly bereft that she can’t be as close to her as she’d like because they’re in public.

Back inside the bar you could hear a pin drop in. Half the tables are empty and the people left in there just stares at the screen in silence.

”Where have you been?” Rhona whispers. ”Never mind,” she adds with a smirk as soon as she gets a proper look at both their faces.

”What happened?” Vanessa asks, ignoring Rhona’s knowing looks. She looks up at the telly where the post game analysis is already on. They’ve definitely been away much longer than she intended.

”Penalties. We lost.” Rhona strokes Pete’s back. He looks quietly devastated. Like he might cry.

”Oh.” Vanessa really can’t believe how little she cares. She’s feeling too good to be bothered about football now.

One man at the corner of the bar is actually crying. Diane pats his arm and pours him a whiskey.

”Such a shame we missed it.” Charity smirks at Vanessa across the bar. 

”Yeah,” Vanessa says, feeling her neck and ears heat up again. ”Shame.”

—

When the World Cup ends Charity takes a holiday.

”Can’t believe I get paid to do nowt,” Charity muses happily as Vanessa gets up to go to work.

”You’ve earned it,” Vanessa says and kisses her. 

”You want to go to the pond after work?”

”Yeah. Pick me up?”

”I’ll be there.” Charity pulls Vanessa down for one last kiss before she has to tear herself away.

The pond has become their little private oasis during the hot afternoons this summer. Hidden away from people, it’s a place that only belongs to them.

It’s been the best summer of Vanessa’s life. She gets to do her dream job which would be pretty good on it’s own, but being this in love is highlighting everything else. She never dreamed she could ever have it this good, that someone could mean this much to her. She wants to tell Charity that, but she’s still wary of rocking the boat. Everything is so amazing, she doesn’t want to jinx it by saying too much too soon.

All she wants is to make the most of these last weeks of summer.

—

”The nights are getting colder,” Charity says.

”You cold?”

”A bit.”

They have blankets, but the darkness comes earlier in the evenings now, and the chill comes with it.

Vanessa jumps up and gathers a few dry branches, making a small campfire for them, while Charity watches on.

”Better?” Vanessa asks when the fire starts to burn properly.

Charity nods. ”You’re full of hidden talents, aren’t you?”

There’s something about the way Charity says it that makes Vanessa flush. 

”I was a Brownie.”

”Course you were,” Charity laughs. ”Come here.”

Charity pulls Vanessa down to sit in front of her, drapes the blanket around them both. Vanessa sighs as she leans back in Charity’s arms. They watch the fire, the way it dances in the darkness is mesmerizing. It almost lulls Vanessa to sleep.

”Ness?”

”Mmm?”

”This summer hasn’t been half bad.”

”It’s been the best.”

”Yeah?”

Vanessa feels Charity smile against her ear.

”Yeah.” She squeezes Charity’s hands, lets their fingers intertwine.

Charity’s arms tighten around Vanessa, her chin rests on Vanessa’s shoulder. The fire warms them slowly, the crackling snaps the only sound around them. Vanessa wonders if this is how it feels to truly belong.

—

”I’m so ready to be done with school,” Vanessa groans on their first day back at uni. Working as an almost vet over the summer has made her more impatient than ever to finish and start working for real.

”This year is going to be hell,” Rhona sighs. They’ve both been freaking out over the massive workload they have ahead of them.

”Ladies,” Roy says, sliding in next to Rhona on the bench. ”We’re kicking off our last year with a massive party tonight and you’re coming!”

”Yes we are!” Rhona exclaims. She’s been complaining about being bored with just hanging out with Pete in the pub over the summer.

”’Course!” Vanessa says. She hasn’t been bored for a second, despite spending almost all her time with Charity. 

”That’s the spirit. Bring your other half if you want,” he says to Rhona.

”I’ll ask him.”

”Alright! See you tonight!” 

—

”You want to come to the party?” Vanessa asks Charity that evening.

”I don’t know, babe,” Charity sighs. Vanessa is aware that Charity doesn’t really enjoy the company of her uni friends much.

”I’d like you to come, if you want,” Vanessa says, fidgeting with the remote control. ”Everyone else is bringing their…”

”Their…?” Charity puts down her magazine, quirking her eyebrow at Vanessa.

”You know. Boyfriends, girlfriends. Whatever.”

”Wait… Am I your boyfriend? Or your whatever?” Charity feigns shock.

”Come on, be serious,” Vanessa whines.

”Only if you tell me what you mean because this is  _ really _ hard to follow, babe.”

Vanessa can tell Charity is being deliberately obtuse. There’s both a glint of teasing and one of seriousness in her eyes.

”Okay.” Vanessa takes a deep breath, trying to steady her racing heart. She is finally going to say it. ”I want you to come with me to the party, and I want everyone to know we’re together. That you’re my girlfriend.”

”Girlfriend, eh?”

”You are, aren’t you? I mean, do you want to be?” Vanessa realises she probably should have started with that part.

”You really are daft sometimes,” Charity chuckles and leans in and kisses Vanessa until she’s breathless. ”’Course I do. I was starting to think you’d never actually come out and say it properly.”

Vanessa blinks, trying to make sense of this new information. ”Why didn’t  _ you _ say something then?” 

”Most people wouldn't consider me girlfriend material, so. I guess I wanted to wait for you.” Charity shrugs and pulls a face. Charity seems so unafraid and sure of herself most of the time, that Vanessa sometimes forgets that there is also a deep seethed insecurity underneath the surface. Vanessa loves her all the more for it.

”Now who’s being daft?” Vanessa murmurs. ”I’ll have you know you’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.”

”Oh, yeah?” Charity laughs. ”Wow. You really know how to make a girl feel special.” Charity’s fingers are soft against Vanessa’s cheek and feeling her smile against her neck as they embrace makes Vanessa’s heart leap and expand. She thinks it might explode from all this joy she’s feeling.

”Are you worried about telling your friends?” Charity asks, after they finally let go of each other.

”Terrified,” Vanessa chuckles.

”Well, I’ll deck anyone who’s mean to you. How’s that?”

”You’re coming to the party, then?”

”Yes! I wouldn’t miss their faces for the world!”

Being able to find amusement in things that are serious is one of Charity’s many talents that has started to rub off on Vanessa. 

”Good. But you’re not allowed to deck anyone,” Vanessa warns in jest. 

”I make no promises.”

—

Vanessa is worried she might be crushing Charity’s hand in her own as they step into the party. It’s already in full swing. They’re late because Vanessa had gotten nervous and had to redo her make-up after getting eyeshadow all over herself.

She had agonized about how to tell people, hadn’t wanted to make it into a big scene.

”Just tell the worst gossip of the lot and let it spread,” Charity had suggested, and that was not a bad idea.

No one seems to pay attention to them holding hands, people are already well on their way to being pissed.

”Hi Nessaaaa!” Kirsten yells and throws her arms around Vanessa. ”It’s been  _ ages!” _

”It has!” Vanessa smiles. They have a short exchange about their respective summers, but Vanessa can only think of one thing. Kirsten is a very reliable gossip spreader. ”Um, Kirsten, you remember Charity?”

”Oh yeah, your flatmate!” Kirsten hugs Charity too and the way Charity tries to squirm out of the embrace almost makes Vanessa’s nerves dissipate.

”Yes. Also my girlfriend.” Vanessa cringes at how her voice trembles, but she’s proud she at least got it out.

Kirsten’s expression is almost cartoonish. She stares at them both before shouting ”Shut the front door! Vanessa, you’re a  _ lesbian?!” _

Several people turn around and stare as well. Vanessa sweats, but she feels the squeeze of Charity’s hand and it makes her brave.

”Yeah, I suppose I am.”

”Wow, I  _ never _ would have guessed! I mean, neither of you looks like a lezzer at all.”

Vanessa assumes Kirsten is trying to pay them a sort of compliment but she flinches all the same. 

Charity notices.

”What’s the requirement for getting into vet school these days?” Charity asks. ”IQ over 50?”

Kirsten blushes fiercely. ”I just meant you’re both so  _ pretty. _ You shouldn’t have any trouble getting lads.”

”We don’t. It’s not like it’s hard,” Charity says with an eye-roll. Vanessa can’t stop herself from snorting out a laugh. Having Charity by her side makes this feel way easier.

”Well, good for you two then,” Kirsten says and waves, and it’s plain as day that when she moves away from them it’s to spread the word all over the party.

”You okay?” Charity asks.

”Yeah. That went better than I thought.”

”It did? Good.”

They go to grab themselves a can of beer each when Roy slides in front of them.

”Hey Vanessa! And… Chastity, right?” Roy asks.

”Charity. Chastity’s my cousin.”

Roy laughs. ”You’re funny.”

Charity rolls her eyes. Vanessa wonders how many times she’ll have to do that tonight.

He puts an arm around each of them.

”It’s nice to see some gorgeous single ladies here. Seems everyone has coupled up lately.”

”We’re not single,” Charity responds dryly.

”Nice try. You’re expecting me to believe your boyfriends are letting you two go out by yourselves looking like that?” He whistles.

Vanessa has put up with Roy’s attitude for a long time and she feels herself acutely sick of it now. She doesn’t like the way he’s leering at Charity at all.

”We’re actually here together,” she says, slipping out from under Roy’s arm.

Charity smirks and puts her own arm over Vanessa’s shoulder.

Roy gapes like a fish and then he laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

Vanessa and Charity stare at him and he stops.

”Right, so you two are… 

”An item, yeah,” Charity says, and the pride in her voice is unmistakable. That Charity feels like that about the two of them makes Vanessa’s back straighter.

”Wow. Well done. Congrats, Vanessa.” He slaps Vanessa’s back way too hard in an awkward attempt at camaraderie.

”I don’t think you need to tell everyone else,” Charity whispers as he walks away. ”I can practically see the news spreading in here.”

It’s true. It’s like that whispering game, it goes from mouth to mouth, and people turn to gawp at them.

”This is so weird,” Vanessa mutters.

”It only is if you let them make you feel like it is.”

Vanessa leans into Charity. She is really good at making Vanessa stop second guessing herself. They look over at Rhona, who is already tearing up the dance floor, while Pete is looking uncomfortably on from the sidelines.

”Now let's take advantage of all this free alcohol,” Charity says and kisses Vanessa’s cheek. Vanessa can hear a murmur from the people around them but she ignores it. ”And maybe save Rhona from making a fool of herself.”

—

They practically fall out of the taxi outside their house, giggling like mad.

They stop for a snog midway up the stairs before getting inside the apartment. Vanessa feels light, like she might float off. She’s so relieved that everyone knows. They’d had quite a few more people approach them, some had let out a few dumb comments, bu no one had been outright mean. That was better than Vanessa had hoped. 

And Vanessa finally felt like she couldn’t care less about what any of them thought anyway. Charity made her feel that way. Vanessa doesn’t know how she’d ever have gotten there on her own.

”You think Pete will have to hold Rhona’s hair up all night?” Vanessa asks.

”Would serve him right.”

Things have been strained between them and Pete, but he seems sorry and while Vanessa knows Charity would gladly never speak to him again, Rhona is her best friend and Vanessa has decided to try and forget about it for the sake of their friendship. She doesn’t think she’ll let her guard down around him in a hurry again, though.

”Hey. Thanks for coming tonight,” Vanessa says while they’re brushing their teeth.

”’S alright. How are you planning on thanking me?” Charity waggles her eyebrows.

”I don’t think I’m capable of anything other than snoring in your ear if I’m honest.”

Charity gives Vanessa a brilliant grin, full of toothpaste. ”I’ll take it.”

—

It’s a crisp autumn evening, and Vanessa has spent an hour chatting with people in The Station, waiting for Charity to finish her shift. 

”I reckon we should stop in Barcelona on our trip,” Charity says, leaning against Vanessa on their walk home. ”I saw an article in one of Diane’s magazines. It looks wicked.”

They’ve been brainstorming ever since they decided to go on their trip next summer.

”For sure! Hey, I think you can get the night train from there to Paris. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

”Yes,” Charity says, smiling down at Vanessa. ”It would.”

When they reach their door, Vanessa buzzes them in and pushes the door open. Charity lingers behind her.

”You coming?” Vanessa asks.

She doesn’t get a response. Charity seems frozen where she stands, staring straight ahead along the street.

”Charity?” She reaches for Charity and can feel her shake. Vanessa follows the path of Charity’s gaze, and by the crossroads, a man stares back at them. He looks shocked, and then his face changes into something else.

Suddenly, Charity wakes from her trance and bolts in through the door, sprinting up the stairs with a speed Vanessa has never seen before. She runs after as fast as she can manage, and Charity roughly pulls her into the apartment before locking the door behind them, pressing her body against it as if to keep it shut tighter.

”He saw me,” Charity says, her voice unrecognizable. ”Oh shit, he saw me.” She puts her hands over her face, rubbing it as if she’s trying to wake herself up from a nightmare. ”He saw me come in here.”

”Charity…” Vanessa tries to get closer to Charity, who starts to pace like an agitated animal. Vanessa doesn’t have to ask who  _ he _ is this time. It’s plain as day.

”Fuck,” Charity breathes. Her breath is coming out in staccato puffs. ”Okay,” she pants. ”Okay, okay.” She tries to get her breathing under control. ”I have to get out of here.” She moves quickly towards her room, with Vanessa on her tail.

”What? Where are you going?”

”I don’t know.” Charity pulls out her duffle bag from under her bed. Vanessa hasn’t seen it since Charity moved in. It seems like a lifetime ago now.

”Maybe if you lay low here for a while—”

”No. I need to go. He saw me. He knows I’m here.” 

Panic rises in Vanessa’s chest. ”The police might—”

”I’m not going to the police, Vanessa!” Charity yells. ”I’ve tried that, remember? Fat lot of good it did me.”

Charity moves like a whirlwind across the room, tosses random pieces of clothing into her bag without care. She just grabs what’s closest and stuffs her things in there. Vanessa’s voice is lodged in her throat. She wants to say something soothing, something that will help but she knows it’s no use. She knows from the naked fear she saw in Charity’s eyes. She just stands there, staring at Charity stuffing her life back into that bloody bag.

Charity moves to the bathroom, throwing the most important things into the bag.

”Maybe you can ask Diane if you can stay with her for a while,” Vanessa suggests. She is scrambling for solutions, she feels like her mind is on fire.

”Across the road?” Charity scoffs. ”Yeah, that’ll work. I have to get out of town.”

Vanessa nods dumbly. If they have to leave for a while, then so be it. She starts to wonder if she has a bag big enough to fit everything she needs for school. She reaches for her toilet bag and starts to put some of her own things in there.

”What are you doing?”

“Packing.”

Charity’s movements finally still. ”Ness, you can’t come with me.”

”Sure I can. I can’t let you go out there alone!”

”Ness.” Charity pinches the bridge of her nose. “Be rational for a minute.”

”I am. I want to come with you.”

”We wouldn’t be coming back here. You have your life here. Your home…”

”It’s our home!” Vanessa starts to feel agitated by Charity’s protests. 

”What about school then? It’s your last year.”

”It doesn’t matter.”

”Of course it matters! You can’t just throw away all these years of studying to go off with me. You’d be throwing away your whole future!” Charity yells.

”None of that matters if I’m not with you.” It’s almost terrifying how much she means that. She hadn’t considered leaving school, but if she has to she will.

”Come on, Vanessa! Maybe maybe you think it doesn’t now, but it will.”

”I can do my last year some other time. It can wait.”

”Ness, don’t be stupid!” Charity seems genuinely upset. Something cold passes through all of Vanessa’s veins at once.

”You… you don’t want me to come?”

The moments before Charity answers feels like an eternity.

”No.” Charity eyes are glued to the floor. ”I don’t. You’re not cut out for that kind of life and I can’t take care of you. You’ll just slow me down.”

Vanessa feels those words like a blow to the chest.

”But… When will we see each other again?”

”I don’t know.”

Vanessa is afraid to ask more questions but she has to. ”And how do I get hold of you?”

”You won’t. It’s not safe.”

”So… so you’re leaving me, then?” Vanessa feels the tears fall like hot rain over her cheeks. She wouldn’t be able to stop them even if she wanted to. ”That’s what you’re saying?”

”I have to,” Charity says, her face and voice softer now. ”You understand that, don’t you?”

”I understand that you need to leave but I don’t understand why you’re going to cut me off!” Vanessa cries.

Charity grips the sink, as if she’s holding it for leverage before turning back to face Vanessa.

”Ness… It’s been fun.” Vanessa feels like her stomach is about to drop out at those words. ”But you’re moving on to bigger and better things eventually. This wasn’t ever meant to last, anyway. We both knew that from the start.”

”What are you talking about?” Vanessa gasps. ”Charity, I  _ love _ you!”

Charity looks struck for a moment, her eyes filling up with tears. She looks away. 

”Don’t even  _ try _ to pretend like you don’t feel the same about me! I know you do. I know!”

Charity doesn’t deny it. She wipes her cheeks and nose with the back of her hand. 

”I’m sorry, Ness,” she whispers.

”Charity, please. We can fix this, we can figure something out—”

Charity shakes her head. “You have to listen to me now.” Her face is full of determination. ”If he comes here, you can’t let on that we’ve been together. Tell him anything you need to make him think we’re not in touch. Throw me under the bus as much as you have to and get rid of him.”

”Charity—”

”Please, this is important! If he finds out about us he might use that. You have to make him believe you don’t know anything, okay?  _ Okay?”  _ Charity grips Vanessa’s arms so hard it almost hurts.

Vanessa nods dumbly. She feels like her whole life is crumbling like a house of cards. There’s nothing she can do to stop it from happening.

”Will you be safe?” she asks hoarsely. ”Where you’re going?”

”I always land on my feet, me,” Charity says. That bravado is fake, Vanessa knows that much. 

Charity packs the rest of her things in silence while Vanessa sinks down onto the sofa. Her limbs are so heavy she can barely move. She feels like something inside her is dying, gasping for breath and suffocating slowly.

”I think that’s everything,” Charity says. Vanessa can tell she’s been crying more, her eyes and nose are red. ”I think I best get out through the cellar if he’s still on the street.”

Vanessa glances at her wrist watch. It’s only an hour since Charity’s shift ended. That’s all it took for their life to crumble. She nods. It’s like she’s in a nightmare.

”Alright, then,” Charity says awkwardly and Vanessa stares up at her.

This is it.

”Wait. Please. Just for a second.” Vanessa snaps out of her thoughts and runs into her bedroom, takes out the box from under her bed and scoops up the money she’s stored there. It’s everything she saved for their trip. 

Charity waits by the door. ”I want you to take this.” She puts the money in Charity’s hand.

”But—”

”Take it. Please, for me.” She can’t stand the thought of Charity out there with nothing.

Charity takes the money and stuffs it inside her jacket. ”Ness, I…” Her voice breaks. ”You’ve been the best. The absolute best.” Then she kisses Vanessa, it’s hard and salty and it hurts. Then she stops, abruptly, and rushes out the door. Barrels down the stairs. Disappears.

Vanessa is alone in the silence left behind.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa struggles without Charity.

**1998**

Vanessa refuses to open her eyes. She can tell it’s morning, but waking up means she’ll have to face the fact that Charity is gone.

She cried so hard last night, endlessly for hours. She doesn’t remember when she fell asleep, she’d completely exhausted herself.

When she finally lets her eyes crack open, she is staring at the ceiling in Charity’s room. She’d pressed her face into Charity’s pillow last night, trying to hold onto something and not disturb the neighbours as she’d howled out her pain. 

She doesn’t know how to cope with this. The only pain she’s felt that’s similar was when her nan died. That crushing knowledge of _never again_ , and this despair reminds her of that feeling. Has she really seen Charity for the last time?

The phone rings, the echoes through the apartment and Vanessa stumbles out of bed and towards the kitchen. It might be Charity. _Please, let it be Charity._

”Hello?” Her voice is hoarse from crying and sleep.

”Will you tell that girlfriend of yours I didn’t appreciate the drayman knocking on my door this morning!”

”Diane,” Vanessa sighs.

”I know she has a liberal sense of punctuality, but this is a bit much! Is she there?”

Vanessa rubs at her brow, the tension there. She hadn’t thought about contacting Diane. She’d been too shocked, too devastated to think about anything other than Charity leaving her.

”I’m sorry,” she croaks. ”I should have called you. Charity, she’s—” Vanessa has to pause to make sure she doesn’t start sobbing.

”What’s happened?” The alarm in Diane’s voice is palpable. ”Is she alright?”

”Yes. I mean I think so. She left yesterday a-and…” Vanessa takes a deep breath. ”I don’t think she’s coming back.”

”Oh, pet,” Diane sighs. ”Did you two have a row?”

”Not really.” Vanessa isn’t sure how to describe what happened between them yesterday. There had been a lot of shouting on both ends, but it still didn’t feel like a row. Just like two people in pain. ”Or maybe a little, but that wasn’t why she left.”

”I’m sure she’ll be in touch when the dust settles, love.”

Vanessa bites her lip, hard. ”No, I don’t think so.”

Diane is silent for a beat. ”I’m coming over,” she says. ”Put the kettle on.” She hangs up before Vanessa has a chance to protest. 

The last thing Vanessa wants now is company. She’s slept in her clothes and is sure she looks a fright. She can’t be bothered about freshening up, just puts the kettle on as ordered, and waits by the kitchen table.

Diane is at her doorstep ten minutes later. Vanessa blinks a few times. It’s surreal seeing Diane out of her natural habitat. Vanessa doesn’t think she’s ever seen her outside of the pub before.

”Oh, love,” Diane says when Vanessa’s lip starts to tremble. ”Come here.” She envelopes Vanessa in a big hug, and it’s what makes Vanessa crack. She sobs into Diane’s embrace, while Diane cradles her and murmurs comforting words like a mum would to a child. Not that Vanessa would know what that’s like.

”Now, tell me what happened,” Diane demands and sits Vanessa down on a chair. She hands Vanessa a hanky and pours them both a cup of tea, seeming totally comfortable poking around in a strange kitchen.

”Um.” Vanessa blows her nose while scrambling to think straight. She doesn’t want to betray Charity’s confidence, but Diane knows about some of her past. ”A man turned up yesterday. It was someone she knew when she was young. He…” Vanessa interrupts herself. ”She’s really scared of him, and she couldn’t stay when he knew where she lived. She said she was leaving town.”

Diane frowns. ”He’d hurt her in the past, this man?”

”I don’t think she’d like me to talk about the details,” Vanessa says. ”She hasn’t told anyone else.”

”You’re very loyal despite having your heart broken.”

”It wasn’t her fault,” Vanessa mumbles.

Diane smiles sadly. ”I can see why she loves you so much.”

Vanessa’s heart flutters painfully. ”She said that?”

”She didn’t need to. That brash, gobby girl gets as soft as butter whenever you’re around.”

”She told you about us, then?” Vanessa asks.

”Not exactly. I walked in on the two of you snogging in the back storage one time. I told her later to handle that off the clock. Not that she listened,” Diane says fondly.

”Sorry.”

”Oh, don’t be. I was happy for the two of you.”

”I’m so worried, Diane,” Vanessa whispers. ”What’s going to happen to her now?”

”Does she have anywhere to go?”

“I don’t think so. She has some money, but that’s not going to last forever.”

Diane sighs sadly. ”I wish I could reassure you somehow, pet.”

It’s like they both know that the risk of Charity having to go back to working the streets is great, but neither of them has the heart to say it out loud. It makes Vanessa sick thinking of Charity having to do that to herself again. She knows what it’s cost her.

”Thanks for caring about her,” Vanessa says.

”Best decision I ever made, letting you talk me into hiring her. Best barmaid I ever had. Don’t tell her I said that, mind. Don’t want her to get a big head.” She winks at Vanessa. ”Let me know if you hear something, love? I need to get back now, open up.”

Vanessa nods. Despite not wanting her to, she’s grateful Diane came. She’s just about the only person who knows and cares about Charity for real, and it’s comforting to know she isn’t completely alone in worrying about her.

—

Every time the phone rings, Vanessa checks the caller-id, hoping it’ll be Charity. The only one who calls is Rhona, and Vanessa eventually answers and despite trying not to, she manages to to bawl her way through the entire conversation. She doesn’t think Rhona understands much more than Charity being gone.

”You want me to come over?” Rhona asks.

”No.” Vanessa knows Rhona will try and cheer her up and she isn’t at all ready for that, not when her whole life has fallen apart.

—

It’s like someone has taken her heart and ripped it from her body. She cries for days. She skips class. She can’t eat, she just walks around aimlessly in one of Charity’s left over shirts. The apartment seems lifeless without her here, without her quick steps up the stairs in the evenings, her terrible attempts at sneaking in quietly after a late shift. Without her shoes thrown haphazardly on the living room floor.

Vanessa has never really depended on another person. There never was anyone to depend on. But without even noticing, she’d started to rely and need Charity. So much so that she feels lost without her.

The worst part is the worry, though. It doesn’t leave her alone. It keeps her up at night. When she finally sleeps, she wakes up in a cold sweat, Charity’s face and voice haunting her. She can’t stop thinking of Charity out there, no roof over her head and no one to look out for her. What she might have to do when the money runs out. Vanessa would do anything to be able to help her. Even stronger than wanting her back, is the desire to know she’s safe.

—

The doorbell rings, and for a split second Vanessa thinks it’s Charity. But she still has her keys, she hadn’t left them. She tries to smooth her greasy hair out. She hasn’t even bothered to shower in the last days. There hasn’t been any point.

She has to control herself not to gasp out loud when she sees who’s outside her door.

His smile is smooth, his uniform impeccable.

”DC Mark Bails.” 

Vanessa’s ears ring so loud she can barely hear his introduction. He shows her his ID, and she stares at it. He works for the city police.

”We have reason to believe Charity Dingle lives here?”

”No,” Vanessa croaks.

”No?” He tilts her head, looking at her like he can read her mind. 

”No, not anymore,” Vanessa corrects herself. She’s still in shock, standing face to face with him like this. ”She used to be my flatmate.”

”Can I come in, Miss…?”

”Woodfield. Vanessa. Of course, come in.” She better sell this, she thinks. ”Charity took off a few days ago.”

”Did she leave a forwarding address?”

”No. No warning, no explanation, no money for the back rent… Nothing.”

He walks around inside their flat like he owns the place, looking things over. It makes Vanessa shudder to see him there.

”How long did she stay here?”

”About a year.”

”And you two were friends?”

”I wouldn’t say that exactly…”

”Miss Woodfield, are you aware that Miss Dingle is a known prostitute? She’s been cautioned for soliciting countless times.”

Vanessa has never been a very skilled liar. But one thing she learned from lying about her nightly whereabouts to her mother, and that was that the most believable lies are the ones that are closest to the truth.

”Yeah… I mean, not at first. But I heard rumours and it became obvious after a while. You can’t really hide a thing like that when you live together.” She hates to talk about Charity like this, with him.

”But you still let her stay in your home?” There’s a subtle disdain in the way he asks, like choosing to share her home with Charity sullies her somehow.

Vanessa shrugs, although she wishes she could tell him what’s really on her mind.

”What do you do, Miss Woodfield?”

”I’m a student.”

”Mhm. No extracurricular activities?” There’s something deeply unsettling about the way he asks that.

”Such as?” Vanessa’s throat feels suddenly dry.

”I just find it hard to believe a respectable girl would allow a prostitute to stay under her roof. Unless you had certain… common interests.”

_Throw me under the bus as much as you have to,_ Charity had said.

Vanessa shrugs again, pretends like she doesn’t notice the tone and the insinuations. ”I felt bad for her. She already lived here and she had nowhere to go. I found out she’d been homeless, and I’m not a monster. I didn’t want to be responsible for her having nowhere to live.”

Bails nods while walking around the living room, picking up one of Vanessa’s text books from the coffee table. He holds it up, looking at her quizzically.

”I’m a vet student,” she says by means of explanation.

”Uh-huh.” He seems a little surprised. ”Do you have any idea where Miss Dingle may have gone?”

”No. No family ever called here or anything.”

”What about her father?”

”Um… I don’t think she ever mentioned him.”

”Is there anyone else I could talk to?”

”I don’t think so. I’ve never met any of her friends while she lived here. I honestly don’t think she had any.”

”No?”

”She could be a bit hostile. After a while you stop trying to make nice, don’t you. We basically just shared space. She was mostly out at night when I was in.”

He nods in acknowledgement. ”Most of these girls display a range of antisocial behaviours. It takes a certain shamelessness to become a teenage prostitute, you see.”

Vanessa can’t believe what she’s hearing. Rage pulses through her.

”They have a hard time rehabilitating back into society. Having normal relationships is virtually impossible for them. They’re damaged forever. Charity Dingle is an especially irredeemable sort. We need to speak to her. It’s for her own sake.”

Vanessa has to dig her nails into her palms so she doesn’t smack him across the face. It takes everything she’s got to keep her face neutral.

”What about?”

”I’m afraid I can’t disclose that information. If she contacts you, please get in touch.” He gives her his card. 

”Thank you. I will.” She smiles and he nods and leaves.

Vanessa feels like spitting on the floor after being so nice to him. She would have liked to claw his eyes out. Hurt him, choke the life out of him for knowing what he did to Charity. She’s never truly hated anyone before in her life, but him… She had to restrain herself from pushing him head first down the stairs as he left.

His fake concern, the phony baby blues, the vague threats. She hates every part of him.

And she finally understands Charity’s fear, completely. He even came looking for her openly. How brazen can you get?

Before now, her most fervent wish had been for Charity to come back. But now, that’s the last thing she’d wish for her.

—

”You need to get yourself together, Ness,” Rhona says. ”It’s been weeks since she dumped you.”

Vanessa picks at the edges of her pint. She wants to correct Rhona. Charity hadn’t _dumped_ her. Not in the actual sense of the word, at least. But it’s too complicated to try to explain what actually happened.

”I just miss her.” Vanessa knows she probably sounds pathetic, but she doesn’t care.

”I know you do. But this is just the first time you’ve had your heart broken. It will happen plenty of other times.”

Vanessa frowns. ”What do you mean?”

”I just mean we’re probably not meant to meet the person we belong with now. We’re still young. It’s not the 50’s when you had to settle for the first person you meet.”

”But… what about you and Pete?”

”I love Pete,” Rhona says. ”We’re a good fit for right now. But I don’t know if he’s the one I’d eventually marry.”

Vanessa tries to comprehend what it’s like to feel like the person you’re in a relationship is replaceable. She hadn’t thought too far ahead for her and Charity, not further than their trip next summer. They hadn’t made any plans beyond that. But ever since they got together, she’d never even been able to picture a scenario where there would be anyone else but Charity for her.

”I love _Charity,”_ Vanessa says. ”I don’t want anybody else!”

”I know you feel like that right now, but believe me, it passes with time. I’ve been there.”

Vanessa knows Rhona is just trying to make her feel better, but she doesn’t think she’d ever be able to get over Charity. Not when their relationship was cut short because of things neither of them could control. She doesn’t _want_ to get over her. Rhona acts like this is so simple, and she wonders if she’s ever loved anyone the way Vanessa loves Charity. Unconditionally. If Rhona had ever been so close to someone, that she had seen their soul, and loved every aspect of it, she wouldn’t be saying this.

The only conclusion is that, no, Rhona hasn’t ever loved like that.

”You don’t get it,” Vanessa mutters. ”I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

”Will you at least come to class tomorrow?” Rhona asks. ”Please? You can’t start failing now, Ness. Not when you’re this close.”

Vanessa thinks about how Charity made her stay behind so she wouldn’t have to give up on her future. If being left is supposed to be good for anything she better get back to school and make sure she gets her degree. She owes both of them that much.

“Yeah. I’ll be there.”

—

The phone rings and Vanessa has to sprint up the stairs to make it. After unlocking the door and rushing to the kitchen, she snatches the receiver off the hook and almost drops it.

”Hey, babe.”

”Charity!” Vanessa feels her throat close up as soon as she hears Charity’s voice. ”Where are you? _How_ are you? God, I’ve been so worried!”

”I’m alright.”

”Are you sure? Where are you staying?”

”At a very cheap place. I’m in a phone booth now.” 

”That’s not very specific.”

”Ness…”

”Sorry. I know you can’t tell me.” Vanessa fidgets angrily with the chord. She hates this. Neither of them have done anything wrong, but everything is in shambles anyway. ”You probably shouldn’t.”

”No?” Charity chuckles. ”You’ve changed your tune.”

Vanessa swallows. The last thing she wants is to scare Charity more, but she needs to know. 

”Bails was here a few days after you left.”

”At the flat?” Charity’s voice suddenly trembles with tension.

”Yeah.”

”Are you okay? He didn’t—”

”I’m totally fine!” Vanessa assures her quickly. ”He came asking for you and was trying to make me feel intimidated by his uniform but I just played dumb.”

”What did you say?” Charity sounds almost breathless now.

”That we weren’t friends, I didn’t know where you’d gone, that I hadn’t heard anything and you just left without telling me anything else.”

”Did he believe you?”

”I don’t know. But most of it was true, so maybe.”

”Are you sure you’re okay?”

”Yes. He’s a right creep, but he didn’t do anything.”

”Good,” Charity says, releasing a huge sigh of what Vanessa thinks is relief. ”Good. Just keep as far away from him as possible. Don’t be alone with him if you don’t have to.”

”I wasn’t planning to.”

”You’re probably too old for him, anyway,” Charity says sardonically. Vanessa can tell it’s supposed to be one of those sarcastic comments of Charity’s that usually makes her laugh, but it doesn’t now. It’s not the least bit funny.

”I was thinking of shoving him down the stairs when he left,” Vanessa reveals. ”If I had, you would have been able to come home.”

”And you would have been in the slammer so that wouldn’t have done either of us any good, would it?” Charity’s voice is soft despite the scorn.

Vanessa sniffles. ”Charity, I hate this.”

”Me too. I miss you,” Charity whispers. Vanessa can tell she is crying too. ”So much.”

”I miss you too.” Vanessa grips the receiver hard, like she is holding on to Charity herself.

”I probably shouldn’t have rung you,” Charity says. ”I know it’s not fair. But I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to hear your voice.”

”You can ring me whenever you want. And this is always your home. No matter what, remember?”

There’s a muffled sound before Charity speaks again. ”Why do you have to be so fucking lovely? It makes this even worse.”

It’s like what’s left of Vanessa’s heart shrivels up and dies at those words.

”I won’t be seeing you again, will I?”

”Probably not.”

Vanessa nods into the void. She’s been trying to grapple with accepting that the last few weeks, but part of her was still in denial. But now she knows there’s now way Charity will be able to come back, and Vanessa won’t be able to ask her to. She knows the danger now and there’s no way she’d ever risk it.

”I wish…” Charity sniffles. ”I don’t even know how, but I wish I could tell you how much I…”

”Don’t,” Vanessa begs. If Charity says it now she thinks she’ll break into a million tiny pieces and never be able to put herself back together again.

”Well, you already know, don’t you,” Charity says.

Vanessa nods. ”Yeah. You too.”

”Yeah.” There’s a distant beeping sound. ”Shit. I’m out of change. ”I’ll—”

The call ends abruptly. It seems fitting somehow.

—

Rhona helps Vanessa look for a new flatmate. It’s the last thing she wants, can’t stand the thought of sharing her space with anyone other than Charity.

She should probably move and start fresh somewhere else, it would be easier not to be reminded every day, but she can’t bring herself to take the plunge. The apartment is the last thing that connects her to Charity, and as long as she lives here there’s at least a theoretical possibility that Charity could find her way back.

It’s just a stupid pipe dream, but it still brings Vanessa some comfort.

Her new flatmate is named Cora, a second year med student who has not perfected the balance between studying and partying like Vanessa and her vet friends. She studies all the time, and doesn’t make much noise. She’s neat and polite and nothing like Charity and Vanessa is grateful for it.

Vanessa moves all her things into Charity’s room. She couldn’t bring herself to give it to Cora. Vanessa knows she’d just sit on the sofa, staring at the door, imagining Charity behind it.

—

When Christmas approaches, she calls her mother, who to her surprise picks up. She hasn’t since Frank’s visit, and Vanessa had stopped trying after a while.

”I was thinking of Christmas,” Vanessa says. She hadn’t really prepared what she’d say, she’d been so sure her mum wouldn’t answer.

”You’ve got your own traditions now, don’t you. Much too busy with your friends to be bothered with us,” her mum says, like it wasn’t her who ditched Vanessa last Christmas.

”I’m not—”

”So we’ve made our own plans this year. We’re going to the Lake District, aren’t we Philip?” Vanessa can hear Phil’s voice in the background.

”Right.”

”Is your father going to be with you?”

Vanessa laughs mirthlessly. ”If you’d answered any of my calls, you’d know he was here for like 15 minutes before leaving again.”

”Well. You can’t be that surprised.” There’s smugness in her mother’s voice. It’s expected, but it hurts anyway.

”I’m not.”

”That man has always been useless.”

”Is that why you didn’t get out of bed for months after he left you?” Vanessa almost claps her hand over her mouth. She can’t believe she said that out loud.

”I’m having none of your cheek,” her mum says after a very audible gasp of outrage. ”Merry Christmas, Vanessa.” She slams the phone in Vanessa’s ear. 

Vanessa knows where she found the ability to finally stand up to her mother. It makes her smile, the way Charity has made such a lasting impact on her. That in some ways Charity will always be with her, no matter how far they are apart.

—


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, but Vanessa can't seem to move on.

**1998**

Christmas is a sorry affair. Cora goes home to her parents, and Vanessa is relieved that she won’t have an audience to her misery. Rhona is spending the holiday with Pete’s family, which Vanessa finds strange if she doesn’t see a future with him, but she doesn’t comment.

Vanessa hasn’t put up any decorations this year, but she lets the radio play Christmas tunes while she tinkers around in the kitchen on Christmas Day. She shuts it off when it starts to play _Lonely This Christmas._ It’s as if the universe is mocking her.

She eats a turkey sandwich in front of the telly while watching her new copy of Titanic, freshly released. She had planned to give it to Charity for Christmas. This time, she cries at the end. Actually, she starts somewhere in the middle. It’s just all so tragic, and somehow hits her close to home.

She remembers Charity’s tears at the cinema. If Vanessa hadn’t been so distracted by the epiphany of her own feelings, she would have been surprised that Charity had been so moved by some sweeping romance. There were still so many things she didn’t know about Charity then. So many layers, so much depth that she uncovered since then. She’d wanted to learn everything there was to know about her. Now she never will.

She thinks back on last Christmas, and how she’d felt wrapped up in a warm fuzzy feeling. They’d only been friends then, but Vanessa had been happy to spend her Christmas with Charity and she could tell Charity had been happy to be with her, too. She’d sensed then, that they had found a sort of kinship in loneliness. 

She bundles up in the corner of the sofa and lets her tears wet the blanket while Titanic founders.

—

The next morning, she is hungry and freezing when she wakes up. The heating has never been all that, the apartment is a drafty old thing, but in some stroke of irony it’s never bothered Vanessa much until now. Everything just seems so cold and grey nowadays.

While making herself some toast she folds through a little stack of mail that Cora has put on the table for her. She hasn’t really cared to look at it before now. There are a few Christmas cards from friends and distant relatives, and then something that makes her drop everything else.

It’s a simple white envelope, but she’d recognize that loopy handwriting anywhere.

She practically tears it open. Inside is a card with Father Christmas drunkenly falling off his sleigh.

Vanessa finds herself smiling already.

_Merry Christmas!_

_I’m trying not to listen too much to Wham! right now but it’s quite hard to be honest. I hope you know that last Christmas was the best I’ve ever had. I know I shouldn’t be sending you soppy cards, but somehow I can’t help myself when it comes to you. Stupid isn’t it? I’m okay. Stop fretting, yeah? I know you are. I hope you’re having an amazing Christmas Ness. You deserve it. I miss you. xxx_

Vanessa traces her fingers over the letters, her eyes brimming again.

It’s a strange kind of comfort though, knowing Charity is somewhere missing her too. Not that she’d ever want Charity to be miserable, but it’s a confirmation that she isn’t crazy to be feeling this bereft. They’re both feeling it. 

She’d give anything to be able to reply, but of course there’s no return address. Charity had even been cautious enough not to sign her name.

The knowledge that Charity is still thinking about her is what eventually gets her out of the house for a Boxing Day drink. She hasn’t been in the Station for ages, it’s been too depressing, but she is driven by a need to be in that space.

It’s the first place that’s given Vanessa a modicum of Christmas spirit this year. Diane always goes all in with the decorations and the whole pub is tinged in a cozy glow. It’s still weird being here without Charity, though. She’d become such a fixture in this space, even though Vanessa had been coming here for years before they even met. But Charity used to move around like she owned the place, always with a ready smile and some cheek for Vanessa when she came through the doors.

”It’s lovely to see you, pet,” Diane says warmly and actually comes around the bar to hug Vanessa. ”Merry Christmas. It’s been a while.”

”Yeah. Merry Christmas.”

”Have you heard anything from Charity?” Diane murmurs.

”She sent me a card. She says she’s okay. She might be saying that so I won’t worry, though.”

”Well. At least that’s something,” Diane sighs and pats Vanessa’s back. ”What are you having? Anything you want on the house.”

”Just a pint, thanks.”

”I’ve got mulled wine. Made it myself.”

”Go on then.”

She sits there for a solid hour, chatting to Diane. It does make her feel better to get out of the house and not shut herself in for the entire holiday. Eventually more people start to pour in and Diane gets too busy to talk.

Vanessa glances around to see if there are any people she knows around, and almost tilts off the chair when she sees Bails in a corner, sitting close with some woman and another couple. She turns quickly, careful to not be caught staring.

Her jaw soon starts to ache because of how hard she clenches it.

”That man,” Vanessa whispers when Diane comes her way again.

”Who?”

”The one in the corner with the brunette.”

”Oh, Mark?”

”He’s a _regular?”_ Vanessa gasps. It’s shocking to her, that he is in here, soiling a space that belongs to Charity.

”He comes in once a week or so. He’s a copper, Mark is. Moved here from Yorkshire a while back.”

”Does he know Charity used to work here? Has he asked about her?” Vanessa asks frantically.

”No,” Diane replies with a frown. _”Oh._ It’s him, isn’t it? The one that made her run?”

Vanessa nods subtly, forcing herself not to turn around and glare at Bails.

”You can’t tell him!” Vanessa hisses when she sees the worried look on Diane’s face. ”You can’t tell him _anything_ about Charity!”

”But if the police is looking for her—”

”It’s not the police! It’s just _him.”_ Vanessa practically spits out the last word. ”Please. He wants to hurt her. He already has, when she was nothing more than a kid. He’s dangerous!”

Diane’s face softens when she sees Vanessa’s distress.

”I won’t breathe a word. You can count on that, pet.”

”Thank you,” Vanessa sighs. ”And if he asks about me and Charity, don’t tell him we were together, will you? He’s already tried to pressure me for information once, and if he thinks we’re not close he might give up.”

Diane looks quite shocked at all these revelations, but nods in agreement.

”Thanks for the wine,” Vanessa says. ”See you soon.” Vanessa can’t wait to get out of there. She quickly stuffs her gloves and hat into her pockets and takes off.

”Miss Woodfield!”

Vanessa stops in her tracks and turns towards Bails, who has followed her outside.

”DC Bails.” She fights to keep her expression neutral.

”Any word from Charity?”

”No. I don’t think she’s coming back anytime soon.”

He nods slowly. ”If you hear from her, make sure you tell her I’m on the lookout for her, will you?”

A chill goes through Vanessa’s stomach.

”She knows why.” He pats Vanessa on the shoulder in a weird paternalistic gesture that makes her want to flinch back.

She nods dumbly and watches as he walks back into the pub.

Maybe that would have seemed normal if Vanessa didn’t know exactly what he is about.

She feels disgusted that he is trying to get her to unknowingly threaten Charity. Time has made her think that he isn’t so much looking to find Charity as to intimidate her. Charity had told her that he’d lost out on a promotion and been left by his wife, and that would be enough for him to bear a grudge.

But what he said now just made it seem like he’s out to scare Charity from coming back more than anything else.

—

Thoughts of Bails consume Vanessa for days. She can’t rest while she knows he is shamelessly walking around freely while Charity had to run from her home, maybe being forced back into the streets, all because of him.

It’s so unfair. The hate festers. She’s never felt the like. She wants to destroy him. She just doesn’t know how.

**1999**

  
  


”Happy new year!”

Vanessa moves through the throng of friends and classmates, handing out cheek kisses, and thinking that this is probably the last New Year she’ll ever spend with all of them. Last year most of them weren’t around, but this New Year, everyone has gathered. Next year they’ll be scattered to the wind.

Roy had managed to sort an epic party for them all at an empty warehouse on the outskirts of town. It’s not just the vet students there, half of bloody uni seems to have made it.

Vanessa dodges Roy’s attempt at planting a kiss smack on her mouth and presents him with her cheek.

”Come on, Nessa! You’re single again now, aren’t you!” Roy says with an obnoxious grin.

”Still gay, though,” Vanessa says.

”I was hoping you’d come to your senses,” Roy sighs dramatically. ”No offense, but what a waste.”

Despite having drunkenly snogged quite a few of the lads in class at one point or another, Vanessa could never stomach it with Roy, no matter how drunk she’d been.

”For whom? It’s not like I’d ever get with you, anyway.”

”Rude!” Roy exclaims. 

”No offense.” Vanessa shrugs with a smirk.

Rhona runs up to Vanessa and pulls her away. ”Ness, I found someone for you!” she hisses.

”Rhona…” Vanessa groans.

”She’s beautiful, smart _and_ gay. You need to meet her. No excuses.” Rhona practically shoves Vanessa in front of her towards a very cute redhead waiting by one of the tables.

Vanessa resents matchmaking, always have, but even more so now. She isn’t ready.

”Vanessa, this is Jennifer, Jennifer Vanessa,” Rhona babbles. ”Vanessa is my best friend in the whole world and an _awesome catch,_ just like I told you.” Rhona grins and winks cartoonishly at them both. ”I’ll let you two get to know each other.”

”So that’s not mortifying at all,” Vanessa says with an eye-roll, her cheeks ablaze.

”She’s got a good sales pitch going,” Jennifer laughs. ”She was very enthusiastic when she found out I’m gay.”

”I bet she was. She’s on a mission.”

They strike up a conversation, and it’s surprisingly easy and pleasant. Jennifer studies journalism and it seems quite interesting. Vanessa enjoys the conversation.

If she wasn’t so impossibly hung up on Charity, Vanessa would probably at least have tried to flirt with this woman. She’s attractive and charming, and at least a little interested in Vanessa, she can tell as much. That would be a jackpot on paper. But it feels wrong somehow, and she knows she’ll never be able to explain that feeling to Rhona in a way that she understands.

Because technically, she _is_ single. She doesn’t owe Charity anything, and vice versa. If Charity decided to get with someone else that would be her right. That idea churns painfully in Vanessa’s gut. Someday, that’s bound to happen.

”I’ve had a good time,” Jennifer says when Vanessa starts to prepare to go home. ”If you like, please call me sometime.” She scribbles her number on a napkin and hands it to Vanessa. She seems nervous to ask, and Vanessa feels a deep pang of sympathy for her. But nothing else.

”I had a good time too. But I’m… I’m actually still in love with someone.”

”Oh.”

”Maybe I should have said from the start, but we were just talking…”

”Don’t worry about it,” Jennifer says with a smile, and it strikes Vanessa how well she takes rejection, unlike Roy or most lads she knows. ”It was nice all the same. I hope the one you’re in love with comes to her senses.”

”Thank you.” 

Vanessa smiles as she makes her way home. Maybe she might have found a new friend. That would be nice.

—

Almost worse than the acute sorrow that came first, is the omnipresent ache that comes after. The ache that reminds Vanessa how much she misses stupid things like stumbling over Charity’s shoes when she gets through the door, or Charity neglecting to empty the bins, or how she always managed to shrink Vanessa’s knitwear in the wash.

She misses being touched. 

So much. 

It’s not even about sex, not really. Vanessa can barely think of that without feeling sad. She misses the way Charity would tickle the back of her neck when they watched telly together. Or how they’d fall asleep close, and wake up close, and how they never seemed to be able to stop touching throughout the day.

That dull ache of constant familiar pain, where it eventually becomes a part of you, is all she’s got left of Charity now.

—

On the morning of her birthday, she wakes up to the shrill sound of the doorbell.

Barely awake, she opens the door to a chipper man standing on the other side.

”Delivery for Vanessa Woodfield.”

It’s a white orchid with a small card attached to the stem. She doesn’t recognize the handwriting. It says _Happy bday! Try to keep it alive at least a little while yeah? xxx_

Despite it being written by someone else, probably the clerk at the flower shop, it’s obvious who it’s from. Charity always used to tell her that she was ”surprisingly terrible” at keeping her plants perky and alive.

Another sign that Charity hopefully is doing okay. It’s both reassuring and frustrating, this one way communication. Vanessa hasn’t heard anything from Charity since Christmas, and she has worried that she’ll never hear from her again and what that might mean. 

She tries to cling to the positives, to the knowledge Charity is at least alive. But it’s hard to feel like that’s enough.

—

Rhona arranges a bar hop to celebrate. It isn’t much fun to start because Rhona can’t stop complaining about Pete. The honeymoon period that was so annoying in the beginning is well and truly over, Rhona can’t stop getting irritated with all of Pete’s peccadilloes that she used to love and overlook.

”I feel like we’re on completely different planets sometimes,” Rhona sighs. ”Remember when we used to be flatmates, just having fun and just doing whatever, _whoever_ we wanted?” Rhona giggles. ”Those were the days, eh?”

Vanessa nods. They’d had a lot of fun together, their lives had seemed like one long constant party between exams. 

The memory of that time is bittersweet, though. She hadn’t been true to herself. But she doesn’t tell Rhona that, because she doesn’t want to spoil the mood. She does that enough as it is, by being boring and gloomy all the time. So she rolls her eyes at the stories of all of Pete’s perceived flaws.

A few other friends join them to Vanessa’s relief, including Jennifer who Vanessa invited. They’ve become fast friends during lunch breaks at uni.

”Please someone talk to me about something other than boy trouble,” Vanessa groans and everyone laughs.

”You won’t be getting any of that from me,” Jennifer says, and Vanessa smiles.

It’s a decent birthday, all in all.

—

This spring is the most intense time Vanessa’s ever been through in the almost five years she’s been at uni. She sometimes wonders if this last term is designed to make people ready for Bedlam just in time for graduation.

The air in the apartment seems extra stuffy tonight, and Vanessa’s back cracks painfully when she leans away from her books. She’s been pulling so many all nighters lately and around this time, she goes out for some fresh air, to help clear her head and stay awake.

She pulls on her trainers and slips down the stairs and out. She has just rounded the first corner when she freezes in her tracks. 

It’s Bails. He’s out of uniform, standing on the sidewalk talking to a girl.

The girl looks no more than 15. He’s leaning down, just a little too close for comfort. Vanessa can see clearly from her body language, that the girl is uncomfortable.

She suddenly unfreezes and propels into action, walking toward them with brisk steps.

”Hello. What’s going on here?”

The girl shrugs, looking down at her shoes. Vanessa realises with a pang that she’s probably even younger than she first thought, the clumsily layered make-up not hiding her true age up close.

Bails smiles coolly at Vanessa.

”I’m just helping this young lady with directions.”

Vanessa ignores him and focuses on the girl. ”Are you lost, love?”

The girl shrugs again. She seems so timid. 

”I bet your parents are wondering where you are,” Vanessa says kindly. ”It’s rather late. I can walk you home if you want.” 

The girl looks down at her shoes, but she nods.

”It’s perfectly fine—” Bails begins.

”I’d like that,” the girl says, making proper eye-contact with Vanessa now.

”Alright, let’s go.” Vanessa doesn’t give Bails another look as she lets the girl lead the way. She can feel his gaze burning into the back of her head as they walk away from him.

”I live pretty far that way,” the girl says and points.

”It’s okay, I’ll walk the whole way with you if you want? I need the exercise.” 

”Okay.”

”I’m Vanessa, by the way.”

”I’m Annie,” the girl says with a shy smile.

”How old are you, Annie?”

”Thirteen.”

Vanessa actually has to take a breath to steady herself. Just as young as Charity was when she was forced to leave home, and fell into the claws of that monster. Vanessa thought herself so grown up when she was 13, but this girl is just a child.

”Was that man bothering you?” Vanessa asks quietly when they’ve put sufficient space between themselves and Bails.

Annie hesitates. ”Not really. I’m not allowed to talk to strange men. He’s a cop though, he showed me his ID and everything.”

”Right.” Vanessa clenches her jaw. Of course he did. ”You didn’t seem that keen on being around him though?”

”I’ve seen him before. He’s always a bit… like, too nice. Like he wants to be mates even though he’s dead old.”

Vanessa simmers with anger. ”He’s not nice though,” she says. ”He’s really _not._ You should never go with him anywhere, no matter what he tells you.”

Annie is quiet for long moments.

”Is he like a nonce or something?”

”Yeah. That’s exactly what he is.”

Annie doesn’t speak for the rest of the way back to her house. Vanessa second guesses herself for being so upfront, but reckons she had to be. It feels wrong to just let her go, so Vanessa waits while Annie’s mum comes to the door.

”Anne Marie!” she gasps when she sees them on her doorstep. ”You were supposed to be home an hour ago! I phoned Lena’s mum and she said you’d already left!” She seems angry in that way that means she cares, which makes Vanessa relieved. 

She introduces herself and after Annie has been sent upstairs to brush her teeth, Vanessa tells her mum as much as she can about what she knows about Bails. Not any identifying details about Charity, but enough for Annie’s mother to understand she needs to keep her daughter away from him at all costs.

”I thought you ought to know, in case she runs into him again,” she finishes.

”Thank you,” Annie’s mother says, her fingers still pressed to her mouth in shock. ”Thank you for looking out for her. I can’t believe a man like that is on the police force!”

”Me neither,” Vanessa says.

—

When she returns home, Bails is waiting on the street outside her house.

He fires off a smile that’s probably supposed to be disarming. It just looks phony to Vanessa. 

”I think there might have been a misunderstanding,” he says.

”It wasn’t a misunderstanding.”

”Look, I don’t know what Charity has told you, but she is a very disturbed girl. She needs professional help.”

The anger that explodes inside Vanessa makes her see red and throw caution to the wind.

”Don’t even bother,” she spits. ”I know exactly what you did to her.”

”This is ridiculous! What has she told you?”

”Everything. I know _everything,_ and there’s no point in pretending. There’s proof.”

”What kind of proof?” he laughs, the sound hollow. He’s scared now, she can tell. And he just revealed himself.

”Enough to put you away for a very long time.”

He swallows, trying to cover up his nerves. ”Charity Dingle is—”

”If you ever as much as speak of her again, or threaten her or go near any other girl, this, _what you are,_ gets out,” Vanessa growls. ”And if the police won’t listen, I’m sure the papers will. The tabloids love these things, don’t they? Police officer raping child and—”

”That’s a lie!”

”—still preying on little girls in the street!”

”You’ve got it all wrong!” His eyes are wild and desperate, but his protests are hollow.

”Stay away from me,” she says bluntly. “Or I’ll ruin you.”

She leaves him standing on the sidewalk. As soon as she’s up the stairs and shuts the door behind her, she gets weak in the knees. The adrenaline and fury had propelled her up and now she has to sit down smack on the floor.

She probably could have done that in a more clever and effective way, but it doesn’t matter now.

She’d seen his face, and concluded that he is nothing more than a coward. There is no way she’d ever go to the papers without Charity’s consent, but he doesn’t know that.

—

Bails stays out of her way after that. One time they’re in the Station at the same time, but he slithers out of there like the pathetic snake he is. He doesn’t return.

Vanessa wishes she could do more than just scare him, she wants to take him out and make sure he never gets the chance to hurt anyone else. And to make him pay for what he did to Charity. This will have to do though, although it’s not nearly enough.

—

Happy students and parents pour out of the church into the square outside. Vanessa has to hold onto her cap so it doesn’t fall off in the crowd.

Her mum, wearing a flowery hat of her own to mark the occasion, pulls at some randomer to take a picture of her and Phil flanking Vanessa.

”Make sure you get the whole church tower too,” her mum demands, and Vanessa sighs.

They’re going for lunch before heading back north, and already Vanessa can’t wait for it to be over with.

”Did you really have to wear so much eye-shadow?” her mother scorns and smudges her finger under Vanessa’s brow to smooth it out.

”It’s not that much.” Vanessa waves her mother’s hands away. She had thought she looked good with a smokey eye, but her mum always manages to make her doubt herself.

”We should do a few pictures without it,” her mother decides, and fishes out a hanky out of her bag. ”It’ll look so much nicer, you’ll see.”

All her mum has done since they got here this morning is complain. About the apartment, Vanessa’s hair, the lack of parking near the church. It’s made Vanessa feel that all of this is just an inconvenience for her mother, that she’s here for her photo-op and nothing else. So she can show off to the few people she socializes with and prove that she’s a good mother who’s raised a successful daughter. Vanessa can hear her now. Something ugly inside her wants to spoil that for her mother.

”I like it like it is,” Vanessa says, pushing the hanky away from her face.

”Come on now, don’t be difficult.”

”I’m gay, mum.” It falls out of Vanessa’s mouth, just like that.

Her mother freezes. ”What?”

”I’m a lesbian.”

”For goodness sake, Vanessa! Keep your voice down!” her mother hisses, glancing around the crowd.

Vanessa rolls her eyes. ”Everyone here already knows,” she says.

There’s a moment when her mum and Phil just stare at her dumbly.

”Well. I’d hoped you’d at least be mature enough to keep such a thing to yourself,” her mother sniffs. “For goodness sake!”

”Just thought you should know.”

”I have no idea why you want to upset me when I’ve come all this way,” her mum says, dabbing her hanky to the corner of her eye. ”You really are something. Spitting image of your father, aren’t you. Always only thinking of yourself.”

”Can we just go to lunch and talk about it?” Vanessa asks, although she can’t imagine anything good coming out of that.

”You’ll have to excuse me, but I’ve completely lost my appetite,” her mother huffs, pressing a hand to her chest.

All of this is completely expected, but it hurts all the same. ”I reckoned you’d feel that way.”

”Then why on _earth_ would you tell me such a thing?”

Why had she said it, when she had known this would be the reaction? Maybe this is what she wanted deep down, a clean break once and for all? Maybe a part of her had hoped her mum would surprise her. Maybe her mum is right, she told her to hurt her. Vanessa doesn’t know.

”Thanks for coming, both of you,” Vanessa says. ”Better hurry if you don’t want to get stuck in traffic.”

She turns on her heel, walking away from them with her back straight. 

It’s a relief to stop pretending.

—

Vanessa comes home to the empty apartment, her cap under her arm and her robes askew. It’s only early afternoon.

All of her friends are with their family celebrating their achievements. She won’t have anywhere to be until she’s seeing them all tonight for one last party.

There’s a package on the kitchen table. Saffron, her latest in a string of flatmates, must have signed for it before she left for work. Vanessa assumes it’s for her. Maybe it’s from her dad, although she isn’t sure he even remembers this is the year she graduates.

She opens it. Inside she finds a huge pink pig with a dopey smile.

Between it’s hoofs is a little doctor's bag and a card. She immediately recognizes the handwriting on the envelope. After all this time, her heart starts to race. Her fingers tremble when she opens it.

_Congratulations Ness! I wish I could have been there today. I’m sure you looked hot in robes._

_You’ll be the best vet ever. I know it._

_I’d love to see you sometime._

_Wishing_ _you_ _well!_

_xxx_

Vanessa’s heart sinks. She turns the card and then looks inside the envelope to see if she missed something, but there’s nothing. What a strange thing to write, that she’s hoping to see Vanessa, when there is no way for Vanessa to get in touch with her.

There’s still nothing Vanessa would want more than to see Charity. Doesn’t Charity know that she’s messing with her head when she writes stuff like that? For the first time since she left, the frustration Vanessa feels is directed at Charity.

—

”Come on, Ness, cheer up!” Rhona, newly single and ready to mingle, is in excellent shape this evening. Vanessa feels bad for ruining the mood, yet again.

”Sorry,” she says with a forced smile. 

”Is it your mum? She didn’t seem that happy outside church.”

”It’s not that. Not just, anyway.”

”What is it then?”

”Charity sent me something,” Vanessa confesses.

”Oh, _no,”_ Rhona groans. ”Not again! I thought you were finally going to let her go.”

”I’m trying to! But… she wrote that she’d like to see me sometime. But then she didn’t leave any contact information or anything.”

”Typical.” Rhona shakes her head. ”She just does it to keep you hanging on, for whatever reason. It’s not fair on you, Ness. And the worst thing is that it’s working.”

”I know.” Vanessa feels like crying. She feels so stuck and helpless. ”It was such a weird note.”

”Ness.” Rhona clasps Vanessa’s shoulders, shaking her lightly. ”It’s time. We’re going on the pull tonight you and me, and I won’t rest until we’ve found the fittest girl around for you. I’m telling you, that’s the best way to get over someone and you’re long overdue.”

Vanessa laughs a little at Rhona’s idea that there are gaggles of women dying to sleep with her at a regular club. She lets herself get dragged back to the bar to order, downing a few shots right after each other. 

Rhona ask every remotely attractive woman in the club if they are possibly gay, or perhaps a little curious? Vanessa meanwhile tries to hide from the spectacle among their other friends.

Despite all her valiant efforts, Rhona doesn’t manage to find anyone for Vanessa, which probably shouldn’t be such a relief at this point. Rhona is too drunk to find anyone for herself too, so Vanessa hauls her into a taxi and lets her crash on her sofa.

Back at the apartment, Vanessa makes herself a cup of tea while Rhona snores in the living room.

She thumbs the card from Charity. She doesn’t understand why she’d do that, write that she wants to see Vanessa, and then not leave any way for Vanessa to get in contact with her. It seems almost cruel.

_Wishing you well._ Vanessa snorts. She wishes Charity hadn’t written at all.

She still takes the soft pig with her to bed. Charity had claimed it was one of the worst smells, pigs. She’d threatened to hose Vanessa down after she came home after a whole day at a pig farm with Ed, saying she smelled worse than her uncle.

Her uncle Zak. 

At Wishing Well.

_Wishing_ _you_ _well. _

Vanessa’s heart nearly stops for a moment. 

That’s it. That’s where Charity is.

—


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa goes to search for Wishing Well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting midweek to distract myself from canon sadness. Just one more chapter to go after this one!

**1999**

But where the hell  _ is _ Wishing Well?

Vanessa thinks Charity must have mentioned its more exact location sometime in passing. It’s somewhere in Yorkshire, for sure. A dump, Charity had said with a smile, but that isn’t much of a lead. 

Charity used to joke there was a Dingle in every village in England, and that doesn’t make things much easier either.

If she was a bit more sober and not so high strung, she’d be able to think properly. The idea of having Charity’s secret location dangled in front of her, and then not be able to remember where she’s supposed to go, makes her anxiety spike through the roof.

She rolls out of bed and goes to kneel by her bookshelf. She drags out the huge book of road maps Phil gave her for Christmas one year, before she could even drive. He’d gotten it free from work.

It’s finally about to come in handy. 

She folds it open, glancing over the maps, and looks up Yorkshire.  _ Hotten. _ She’s sure Charity has family around Hotten. She leaves through to the more detailed part on Hotten and surroundings. She lets her eyes search the map, not sure what she’s looking for.

It doesn’t take long until she sees something that stirs up a memory of some kind.

_ Emmerdale. _

There’s definitely something familiar about that. Vanessa knows Charity has mentioned that sometime, but she can’t quite recall the context.

She should probably sleep on it, do this tomorrow, but she’s too keyed up to rest.

She goes to the kitchen and gulps down a few big glasses of water to help herself sober up.

There had been long periods of complete silence from Charity, where Vanessa had almost given up on hearing from her again. There had been times where she’d gone really dark, and worried that something had happened to Charity and that no one would ever even think to tell her. That she’d go through her whole life, always wondering what had become of her. If she was out there somewhere, or if something terrible had happened to her.

She’ll go wherever she has to, to find Charity.

—

She showers first thing, calls the train station to find out when she can get on the first train to Hotten. The trip is going to take several hours, and she’ll have to change trains three times, but she couldn’t care less. She has to go, no matter what. Even if it turns out to be a dead end, she has to.

She pokes at Rhona, who’s drooling excessively on one of the yellow cushions on the sofa.

Rhona looks disoriented for a moment, then she touches her temple with a vince.

”Oh. Fetch me a bucket,” she whimpers and Vanessa chuckles. Rhona falls back down and pulls the blanket over her head.

”Already sorted.” Vanessa bangs her foot against the bucket beside her. ”That bad, eh?”

”You have to ask?”

”No. The look of you is enough.” 

Vanessa pulls at the blanket, revealing Rhona’s face again. She really does look a fright.

”Listen, I have to leave. I’ve put the key on the kitchen table. Will you let Saffron know I might be gone a while?”

”Where are you going?” 

Vanessa hesitates before deciding to tell the truth. ”To see Charity. I mean, I hope.”

”Ness,” Rhona sighs.

”I know what you think,” Vanessa hurries to say. ”But none of what happened was her fault.”

”You keep saying that Ness, but the fact is she left you  _ completely heartbroken.”  _ Rhona grips Vanessa’s arm, squeezing it. ”You haven’t been yourself since, but you’re finally getting there.”

Vanessa hasn’t been able to explain to Rhona why Charity left, and Rhona hasn’t bought any of Vanessa’s defenses of Charity. Rhona thinks Vanessa is adamantly defending Charity because she is still in love with her. Which might be true, but of course not the whole truth.

”I have to do this. I have to at least try and see her. Even if it’s just to confirm it’s really over.”

”She’s been gone nine months, Ness! It’s over!” Rhona looks like she wants to shake some sense into Vanessa.

”I know you’re just being a mate, and that you think I’m crazy,” Vanessa says. ”But you don’t know what’s happened, not all of it. I’m doing this.”

Rhona sinks back onto the sofa.

”It’s your life. But you tell her from me, that if she hurts you again I’ll haunt her, alright?”

”Sure. You’ve got that ghost look down pat.”

”Don’t kick me while I’m down, Vanessa,” Rhona whines. As Vanessa gets up to leave, Rhona calls after her. ”Hey. Good luck.”

”Thanks. I’ll probably need it.”

—

The train ride is the longest of Vanessa’s life. The minutes drag. She brought a book to pass the time, and she reads it, but it’s like none of the words stick. When she finishes it, she has no idea what she just read. 

She fidgets nervously, and stares out the window. The landscape is beautiful in the way that it always is in these first bursts of flourishing summer. Vanessa is blind to it all. To think she might see Charity again… Maybe even today. The idea is daunting, even thought it’s all she wants.

Maybe Rhona is right, that she is insane to go off like this after the first word from Charity in months. What if Charity just meant it in a polite way?  _ See you sometime.  _ Isn’t that the kind of thing people say all the time without really meaning it?

It comforts Vanessa to think that Charity isn’t polite and that she never says things just to be nice. It’s part of what has always made Vanessa trust her. She wouldn’t write it if she didn’t mean it.

It doesn’t stop her from fretting.

—

Vanessa steps off the bus and into one of those idyllic postcard villages with a pub and a post office and a small shop. That’s all there is. Vanessa walks down Main Street, wondering where she should start looking. She hadn’t been able to find any Wishing Wells on the local maps at the station, but the way Charity had described it, it hadn’t sounded like something you’d find on a map anyway.

She decides the post office will be her best bet.

An older woman with a hat and vest steps out of there, and Vanessa decides to try her luck.

”Excuse me?”

”Yes, love?”

”I’m looking for a place called Wishing Well?”

”Oh, aye?” The woman purses her lips in a way that makes her look like a disgruntled hen, and gives Vanessa a once over that is in no way flattering.

Vanessa does her best not to squirm under the appraising gaze. ”Do you know if it’s close to the village?”

”Are you a Dingle?” The tone isn’t nice at all, but Vanessa doesn’t care. Her heart rushes. She’s on the right track. ”Don’t quite look like one, do you?”

”I’m just a friend of the family.”

”Oh,” the woman sniffs. ”I didn’t know they had those. I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, love.”

—

After getting directions off the woman, Vanessa finds it isn’t all that far to walk. The afternoon sun is burning and she takes off her jumper and ties it around her hips. She smells it first, the distinct odor of pig. It makes her grin. Charity must be complaining day and night if she’s staying here.

The yard is a bit of a mess, and there’s a pigs den right outside of what Vanessa assumes is the front door. It sure fits the fleeting descriptions Charity had given. 

Vanessa wipes her trembling hands on her jeans, suddenly overcome with nerves. She refuses to let them get the better of her though. She’s waited long enough for this. She takes the last few steps towards the door and knocks.

A tall man with a dark beard and a brown cap opens it.

”You lost, love?” he asks. There’s a hostility there from the get go. Vanessa supposes that woman was right when she says the Dingle’s don’t have many friends.

”Are you Zak Dingle?” she asks.

”Who’s asking?”

”My name is Vanessa Woodfield. I’m a friend of Charity’s.” She offers him her hand. He doesn’t take it but just stares at it, then back up at her, his face blank. It unnerves her. ”I was hoping to find her here. You must be her uncle Zak.”

”Aye. Sorry to disappoint you, love.” He scratches his head under his cap. ”We haven’t seen Charity here for, oh, many years now.”

All the hope that Vanessa had built up comes crashing down in an instant.

”Oh,” she breathes. ”But this is Wishing Well, isn’t it?”

”Sure is.”

“Maybe you’re expecting her later?” she asks, clinging to the last sliver of hope.

”No,” Zak replies curtly. ”Anything else?”

”No. Thank you.” Vanessa is about to turn to leave but changes her mind. ”Yes! Just one thing. If you ever do hear from her, will you tell her Vanessa came looking for her? I want her to know that.”

”I doubt she’ll be coming this way.”

”If she does. Please.”

Zak nods and shuts the door.

Vanessa walks away slowly. She feels almost faint, because this was it, the last clue. Where is she supposed to look now? There is no way for her to get in touch with Charity, and as soon as she moves out of their flat, there won’t be a way left for them to find each other. She’ll never see Charity again. She has to grip the fence of the pigs den to keep herself upright.

”Wait!” A woman’s voice calls after her.

Vanessa wipes her cheeks quickly before turning around. A woman with reddish hair wearing dungarees comes jogging down the path after her.

”Did you say your name was Vanessa?”

”Yes.”

”Vanessa the vet?”

Vanessa nods fiercely and hope springs in her again. She never said she was a vet. That information can only come from one person.

”Is she here?” Vanessa asks in a low voice.

The woman nods and now Vanessa feels like crying for a whole different reason.

”She’s been here for a couple of months. I’m sorry about my husband. He’s only trying to protect her. She told us she’s hiding from someone and that no one can know she’s here. But she’s told me about you.”

”She has?”

”Yes, love. Seems like she’s quite fond of you. Not that she’d admit it, mind.” The woman smiles knowingly. ”I’m Lisa,” she says and offers Vanessa her hand. It’s both calloused and soft and there’s a fair amount of grease under her fingernails. Her grip is strong and she envelopes Vanessa’s hand warmly in both of her own.

”Where is she?”

”She’s at the Woolpack, working. That’s our local pub. Our Mandy put in a good word with Mr Turner and he’s well pleased with her.”

”It’s the pub in the village?”

Lisa nods. ”Just up the road on Main Street. You can’t miss it.”

—

Vanessa’s knees shake as she starts to walk back to the village. Knowing Charity is actually here makes her feel out of sorts, completely overwhelmed. She walks slowly, even though she wants to run.

She is just turning the corner up to the main road, when she suddenly spots Charity practically tumbling down the road at neck speed, before stopping dead when she sees Vanessa.

Something finally rights itself inside Vanessa when their eyes meet.

They stare at each other for a moment, dumbfounded and shocked, before they both start to move again. Vanessa propels forward, they meet halfway, and crash into an embrace. They cling desperately to each other and all Vanessa can think is  _ thank god  _ and _ finally. _

She runs her hand through Charity’s hair, chopped shorter above the shoulders now. She takes in the feel of her, whole, healthy and alive. Charity’s tears soak Vanessa’s t-shirt.

”Flaming heck, Ness. It really is you.” Charity’s voice is thick with emotion.

”You knew I was here?” Vanessa asks, reluctantly backing away from Charity to talk to her properly. They step away from one another, laughing, both a little bashful about the display.

Charity wipes her cheeks. ”Betty came into the Woolie and said she’d met a girl that’d been corrupted by the Dingles.” She smiles crookedly. ”I reckoned it might be you. We haven’t corrupted that many other girls lately.”

”So you just left your post?” Vanessa smiles and eyes the black apron still hanging around Charity’s hips. It almost knocks her sideways, the fact that Charity is here and so devastatingly beautiful in her mussed hair and smudged mascara. She really has to make an effort not to throw herself at Charity and kiss her senseless.

”They’ll manage. I’d hoped you’d come,” Charity says. ”I wasn’t sure if you would. And I didn’t think you’d be this fast.”

”Hey. I’m not  _ that  _ bad at riddles.”

”Well you’re not that great at them, either,” Charity grins.

”You could have just called me. Said, hey, I’m in Emmerdale, come see me? It was pure luck I even remembered the name of this village.”

”Maybe I should have. Maybe I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

”Well, here I am.”

Charity’s face is filled with quiet wonder. ”Yes you are, babe.”

Vanessa’s heart somersaults when hearing that familiar endearment. 

”How was graduation?”

Vanessa shrugs. ”Overrated. Never mind. How have you been?”

Charity shoves her hands into the pockets on her apron. ”Alright.”

Vanessa almost rolls her eyes at the casual answer, as if that’s anywhere near enough when you’ve been apart for nine long months.

”How’s the job at the pub?”

”It’s a bit stuffy. A lot of old timers. But it’s better than nothing. No one’s really after my bottle juggling skills here, though.” Charity makes a face. ”What about you? You’re a vet now!”

”Yeah. Finally.” This kind of small talk makes Vanessa nervous, because it’s not their style. There are so many things she needs to ask, and say. ”Do you want to go somewhere and talk properly? Maybe the pub?”

Charity shakes her head. ”I just told them I had the runs and had to go home.”

Vanessa laughs. It’s nice to be reminded of how easily Charity can make that happen. ”That’s a pretty good excuse. Somewhere else then?”

Charity nods.

—

They sit down in the shade under a tree, after climbing a fence into a meadow. Far away, Vanessa can see sheep out to pasture. 

”Are you going to tell me how you’ve really been now?” Vanessa asks.

”Getting all stern on me already,” Charity jokes.

”Charity.”

”It hasn’t been too bad,” Charity begins.

Charity tells her about the months where she’d made an effort to put as much distance between herself and Bails as possible. The money Vanessa had given her had helped her keep afloat while she got through winter by staying in the cheapest hostels she could find. Sometimes she had mixed it up by sleeping in a shelter or a stairwell.

”I tried to stretch the money out for as long as I could. It’s impossible to get pub work when you haven’t got an address. Sometimes I’d pick a wallet off some posh bloke. But eventually I knew I had to either get back on the game or think of something else. So I decided to come here. I’d heard that uncle Zak had a new wife, and I thought that she might like me better than the last one.”

”That’s Lisa? She seemed nice.”

”Yeah, she is. She’s been really brilliant.”

”So you’re okay? Vanessa asks. ”Really?”

Charity nods. ”If they hadn’t taken me in, or if you hadn’t given me all that money, I might not have been. I’m going to pay you back as soon as I can.”

”It’s okay. Best money I ever spent.”

”Don’t be daft.”

”Have you any idea how glad I am to know that I could help you in some small way?”

”It wasn’t small,” Charity says fiercely. ”No one has ever done the things you have for me. You gave me all your savings without a second thought, and never asked me for anything in return. And all the rest. You’re the first person who’s ever believed in me.”

Vanessa blushes at the words. She’s never been good at taking praise.

”What about you?” Charity asks. ”Have you been staying out of Bails’ way?” Vanessa doesn’t miss the tension in Charity’s voice when she speaks his name.

”Um. For the most part.”

Charity frowns. ”What’s that’s supposed to mean?”

”Okay. I have to tell you something.”

”What?”

”I caught him trying to chat up a 13 year old.”

”Fucking hell,” Charity exclaims. Not in surprise, though. Just horror.

”I think I managed to scare him off but—”

”Wait, you confronted him? On your own?” 

Vanessa nods.

”Vanessa!”

”It’s okay. I think he was more scared than I was by the end of it. But the girl, she told me he’d been trying to make her trust him by showing his police ID and pretending to be a mate.”

”’Course he was. I feel sick,” Charity says, burying her face in her hands.

Vanessa strokes her hand over Charity’s back, feeling her uneven breathing.

”We have to do something to try and stop him, get him put away.”

”What do you mean ’we’?” Charity asks, panic sharp in her voice. ”I can’t do anything! He’ll get me. He’ll… And you can’t go  _ anywhere near _ him, do you hear me?!”

”I know how scared you are,” Vanessa says as soothingly as she can manage. ”You don’t have to decide anything right now.”

She keeps on stroking Charity’s back. It’s quite similar to how she’d try and soothe an agitated animal, and it’s always worked well on Charity. Like the touch grounds and calms her. She can feel the tension leaving Charity in degrees, until her breathing is even again and she leans into the touch.

”You must think I’m a right basket case,” Charity mutters.

”’Course not.”

Even though Vanessa thinks Bails is a pathetic weakling when confronted by a grown woman who won’t back down, she knows Charity sees it from the perspective of the girl who couldn’t fight back. How terrifying that must be.

”I’m sorry for bringing it up,” Vanessa says.

”It’s alright,” Charity breathes. ”But don’t expect me to be brave about this, because I’m not.”

Nine long months apart is evidence of how far Charity would go to avoid Bails, and Vanessa knows that fear is going to be hard to get over.

”Hey. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

Charity snorts, but she takes Vanessa’s hand and pulls at it, so her arm wraps around Charity’s shoulder. Charity twines their fingers together and leans into Vanessa. The closeness makes Vanessa’s heart pound, in pleasure and pain alike.

”Did you mean what you said about us not being meant to last?” Vanessa asks. Those words have been like a thorn in her heart since Charity uttered them. They’d come like a shock, and she has refused to think of them since. But they had still lingered all this time.

”I said it because I thought it might make things easier, for the both of us. But I didn’t mean it. And it didn’t make things any easier.”

”No it didn’t.”

”I’m sorry.” Charity grips Vanessa’s fingers tighter. ”I’m so sorry.”

”Don’t be.” Vanessa murmurs against Charity’s shoulder. ”Do you know that there hasn’t been a day gone by when I haven’t thought of you. Wondered where you were, if you were safe.” She squeezes Charity’s hand. ”I’ve missed you _ so much.” _

Charity leans away a little so they can look at each other properly.

”So… does that mean you want to pick up where we left off?”

”Yes,” Vanessa manages hoarsely. She’d say more but she can’t because of all the emotion welling up inside her.

Charity closes her eyes. Vanessa can see the relief wash over her features. ”I was so afraid I’d fucked this up for good,” Charity whispers. ”Every day since I left, I’ve wanted to come back to you. I almost did a few times. But I was too scared.”

Vanessa can’t help herself. Not now that she’s got it fully confirmed that Charity still wants her. She leans in, cupping Charity’s cheek and kisses her.

Charity doesn’t wait even a nanosecond before kissing her back.

They kiss and kiss and kiss, until Vanessa feels ready to melt into the ground. She never wants it to end. She is overcome with the most intense feeling of belonging. She belongs here, wherever Charity is. Nothing else matters.

They eventually have to stop, their breaths strained and cheeks wet with tears.

”I was so scared I’d never see you again,” Vanessa confesses.

”Me too. I couldn’t stand it.”

Charity pulls at Vanessa, so she can lie back on Charity’s arm in the grass. They just lie there, staring up at the clouds changing shapes slowly across the sky. Just basking in the closeness and the quiet.

”I came out to mum yesterday,” Vanessa says suddenly.

Charity puffs her cheeks in surprise. ”Wow. How did that go?”

”Let’s just say she won’t be coming to visit again anytime soon.”

”Sorry, kid.” Charity tightens her grip around Vanessa.

”It’s okay. It’s not a huge loss or anything.” Vanessa rolls her eyes. ”I knew she wouldn’t like it.”

”You can still be sad about it even though it’s expected,” Charity says, echoing her words from long ago.

Vanessa tries to laugh, but it comes out more like a sob. ”I think I am a bit sad about it, actually.” How easy it is to tell Charity this, the opposite to how she feels talking to anyone else about it.

A few tears escape her and Charity turns on her side to wipe them away.

”Ness, your parents are absolute shite.”

”Yeah, they really are.” Vanessa can’t help but laugh through the tears.

”You know it’s got nothing to do with you, right? What they are is on them, not you.”

”Objectively, I guess. But it still doesn’t feel like it.”

”I know it doesn’t, babe.”

Vanessa feels like her heart is stuck in her throat. She knows Charity gets it, she more than anyone understands how it feels not to be wanted by the ones who should love you unconditionally. 

Charity kisses her tenderly and she has missed this so much. Being touched, kissed. Understood. She’s been starving for it ever since Charity left.

Charity leans back with a lazy grin. She almost sparkles with happiness.

”So are you ready to meet the family?” she asks.

”I don’t know,” Vanessa says truthfully. ”Your uncle seemed a bit scary.”

”Oh, he just thinks he is,” Charity says with an eye-roll. ”Come on.” Vanessa takes Charity’s hand and lets her haul her up from the ground. ”I want you to meet the Dingles!”

—


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa and Charity try to figure out their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it folks! The last chapter.
> 
> A massive, massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment on this fic. It means more than you probably realise. I'm so grateful for all the interactions, it's what keeps my motivation going. Much love!

**1999**

They walk slowly back towards Wishing Well, arms around each other. It still feels unreal that they’re here together, after all this time.

”So she finally dumped Pete, eh?”

”Yeah. It went downhill fast. It was a bit sad, actually.”

”She’s way too good for him anyway.”

”You’re just saying that because you don’t like him,” Vanessa chuckles.

”You’re right, I don’t.” Charity grins. ”He was totally punching with her though, and that’s my objective opinion.”

”Sure it is,” Vanessa laughs. ”Rhona thinks I’m insane for going to see you. She tried to talk me out of going and everything.”

Charity gasps in mock outrage. ”Forget anything nice I just said about her.”

”You didn’t. You just said she’s better than Pete, which isn’t even much of a compliment knowing what you think of him,” Vanessa teases.

”Touché.” Charity seems to ponder something for a bit before speaking again. ”So why didn’t she want you to go?”

”I haven’t told her why you left, not really. So she thinks you just dumped me and that I’m obsessed with you in an unhealthy way.” Vanessa rolls her eyes.

”So are you?” Charity’s eyes widen dramatically. ”Obsessed with me?”

”Give over.” Vanessa shoves Charity’s shoulder lightly, feeling her cheeks heat up.

”I’m just saying,” Charity laughs and ducks for cover, but she soon sobers, pulls Vanessa closer by the hand. ”You came all this way, didn’t you?”

”I didn’t have a choice,” Vanessa says evenly. She wonders if Charity understands the depth of those words, how she would have done _anything_ to see her again. It feels almost dangerous to express. She lets her fingers trace Charity’s jawline, looking into her eyes. They seem a darker shade of green all of a sudden.

Whatever Charity sees in her eyes, it makes her kiss Vanessa in the middle of the Dingle yard.

”You ready to meet the family?” Charity asks as she breaks away.

”As I’ll ever be,” Vanessa replies breathlessly.

”You look completely terrified,” Charity laughs. ”They won’t eat you, I promise.”

”I’m fine,” Vanessa says, feeling calmer when Charity puts her arm around her shoulder and ushers her through the door.

They step into the house, the small room is loud and hot. Lisa stirs a pot on the stove with a baby on her hip, Zak and two lads Vanessa’s age are sitting on the sofa drinking beer.

”Everyone,” Charity declares. ”Lisa, uncle Zak, Sam, Butch, Mandy.” Charity points at them all one by one. Vanessa does her best to memorise all their names. ”This is Vanessa. My girlfriend.”

_”Wow,_ I did not see that one coming,” Mandy laughs.

”That’s ’cause you lack imagination, Mand,” Charity says with an arched eyebrow.

”Clearly,” Mandy mumbles and sips her tea.

”I didn’t realise she was your friend, Charity,” says Zak. He slurps at his can of beer. ”Thought you were a social worker or summat, love. No offence, eh!”

”Non taken,” Vanessa says.

”I don’t think the pin quite dropped, love,” Lisa says to Charity, gesturing at Zak.

”I didn’t know our Charity is a lesbian,” Sam exclaims after Mandy has whispered in his ear.

Zak chokes on his beer, staring at Charity, bewildered. ”Eh? Who’s a lesbian?”

”I’m not, actually. I’ve just got good taste, that’s all.” Charity grins and winks at Vanessa, who feels her cheeks heat up under the scrutiny of Charity’s family.

”What you think your father’s gonna say, eh?” Zak says, his voice louder. ”He’s not going to like this one bit!” Lisa puts a hand on his arm to stop him from getting up from the sofa.

”Lucky for him he’s already disowned me then,” Charity bites. ”If there’s going to be a problem you better just out with it now.”

”Of course not, love!” Lisa says, putting the baby in Zak’s lap and giving him a stern look. ”I hope you’ll stay for tea, Vanessa.”

”It’s rabbit stew!” Sam says. ”Caught it myself.”

”I’d love to,” Vanessa says, trying not to show her nerves. All the Dingles are eyeing her curiously, except for Zak who is more stone faced. 

—

At the dinner table, Charity’s hand is constantly somewhere on Vanessa, her shoulder, her wrist, her knee. It’s calming for Vanessa, but she suspects it’s just as much for Charity’s own benefit. It’s as if she is assuring herself Vanessa is really there. 

The Dingles are a loud bunch and it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. Vanessa listens to them with wide eyes. Butch and Mandy with input from Charity seems to be constantly bickering. This loud big family of kids and cousins all mixed together is so different from what she is used to. After her dad left, you could hear a pin drop at her mother’s house. She likes this though, more than she expected.

Little Belle moves from lap to lap during the meal, clearly the apple of everyone’s eye.

Charity tells everyone a little of how they met and her job at the Station. She omits any mention of Bails, and Vanessa assumes she hasn’t told them any of the details about it, other than needing a place to hide.

It’s Charity’s turn to have Belle on her lap. She is trying to eat without having the baby smearing food all over them both.

Vanessa has already finished her plate. The stew was surprisingly delicious.

”Babe, can you take her while I finish up? We’ll end up with everything in our laps otherwise.”

Vanessa silently panics for a second.

”I don’t know how to hold a baby,” Vanessa whispers to Charity.

Charity rolls her eyes fondly. ”It’s not rocket science, is it.” Charity lifts Belle and puts her in Vanessa’s arms. ”Just make sure she doesn’t stab herself with the fork and you’ll be fine.” Vanessa nervously pushes her fork as far away as she can.

She holds the little body awkwardly. Belle babbles happily and pulls at one of the strands falling out of Vanessa’s ponytail.

”Hi there,” Vanessa says and turns Belle up towards her. Belle reaches out and grabs Vanessa’s nose, attempting to pull and twist it. It makes Vanessa chuckle and Belle leans back and lets out a gurgling laugh in response.

”She likes you,” Lisa says with a smile, as if she can sense Vanessa’s nerves. ”You’re a natural.”

”I’m better with piglets, to tell you the truth,” Vanessa excuses herself.

”Vanessa’s a vet,” Charity adds. The way she seems proud to declare it makes Vanessa’s belly warm. 

Lisa nods, she knew that already.

”Really? You a good one?” Zak asks, suddenly a bit more friendly. 

”I dunno. I mean, I just finished school, so—”

”Well, then you might as well take a look at the pigs now you’re here,” Zak declares happily, like it’s settled.

”Yeah, Ariana’s been limping for a week!” Sam adds. ”That’s our best sow.”

”Normally I’d ask Paddy, but him and our Mandy are on the rocks again,” Zak says.

”If he sets foot here again I’ll bring out the shotgun,” Mandy growls.

”Dramatic,” Charity mouths at Vanessa.

”Um, yeah. Of course I can take a look,” Vanessa offers weakly.

”That’s the spirit, love,” Zak says with a grin.

”He’s excited since he won’t have to pay the actual vet to get out now,” Charity whispers.

”Hey! I am an _actual_ vet,” Vanessa whispers back. 

”Yeah, but Paddy still charges him, even if it’s a family rate. His counting on you to be free labour. You shouldn’t fall for it.”

”I won’t charge him anything. I kind of want him to like me, you know?”

Charity rolls her eyes. ”That’ll do it, for sure. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you though. He’s going to make you work for it.”

— 

Vanessa crouches in the mud beside Ariana the pig, examining her leg under loud protests.

”I can’t believe you’re having her crawl around in the mud first thing,” Charity grumbles to Zak. ”Anything to save a few quid.”

”It seems like there’s an inflammation in her joint. She’s hurting. You should get her some antibiotics to start, and see if it helps. You need to keep a close eye on her.”

”And you can see to that, won’t you love? The antibiotics and that.”

”Eeeh, I mean I could but—”

”Good.” He slaps Vanessa’s shoulder and she nearly loses her balance. ”Your Vanessa is a good lass, Charity.” He nods firmly at Charity who can’t hide her smirk. ”You don’t mind taking a look at the other pigs while you’re here, do you?”

—

After going through all the Dingle pigs, and a much needed shower and a change of clothes, Vanessa spends the evening pressed close to Charity’s side on the sofa, listening to Zak telling tales about original relatives. The tales get taller the longer the evening goes, and Charity starts to squirm impatiently in her seat.

It’s well past midnight when they excuse themselves to walk to the little adjacent building where Charity stays. The downstairs is used for storage, but there’s a loft where Charity has her bed.

”Sorry about the state of this place,” Charity grimaces as they climb the stairs to what passes as her bedroom. There is just an old bed and a dresser, Charity’s clothes are spread out on hangers around the room, there is nowhere to put them away. It doesn’t look like she’s there to stay, she hasn’t yet bothered to make it homey the way she did with her room at their apartment. ”I used to share a room with Mandy but she talks in her sleep. Mostly about Paddy too, so.” Charity makes a gag face.

Charity fusses with the bed, making it up, looking quite embarrassed.

”I like it,” Vanessa assures her. ”So, did that go well?” Meeting your family? I couldn’t quite tell.”

”Could have been worse. Uncle Zak always appreciates a bargain.” Charity says with a grin. ”You’re in his good books now.”

”Good,” Vanessa sighs dramatically. She feels suddenly nervous about being alone with Charity, and she can tell Charity is feeling the same, the way she fusses over the little space, doing her best to make it look as presentable as possible. ”Hey,” she says softly. ”Don’t bother with all that.”

Charity shoves her hands into her back pockets, weighing nervously on her feet back and forth.

”You know it doesn’t matter what they think though, right?”

”No?” Vanessa’s heart suddenly starts to rush.

”You matter more to me than anyone else in the world, so no.”

Vanessa swallows, feels tears spring to her eyes unprompted. ”Really?”

”Yeah,” Charity breathes. ”I should have told you a long time ago, but I…” Charity looks at Vanessa for a long moment, before letting her eyes fall to the floor, then back up again. ”You know what I was thinking when I saw you crawling around in the mud with them pigs?”

”Do I even want to know?” Vanessa jokes.

”I was thinking, how is it possible that I love her even more now than I did nine months ago?”

”You…” The air is knocked out of Vanessa’s lungs for a few moments.

”Yeah. I love you. I have for a long time. It doesn’t even seem enough to say that.”

”I love you too,” Vanessa rasps. ”I never stopped.”

Charity closes her eyes for a moment, as if she’s letting the words wash over her and properly sink in.

Vanessa closes the gap between them and takes Charity into her arms. Charity’s grip is strong, she holds Vanessa like she never wants to let her go again. They stay like that, until it’s not enough.

When they kiss, it’s like an electric current swirling through Vanessa. She imagines she can hear it crackling above their heads and laughs.

”What?” Charity smiles.

”I’m just happy,” Vanessa murmurs and pulls Charity in again.

It’s like the first time they kissed but even better, because if she thought she’d been longing for it then, it’s nothing like she has now. 

Charity pulls her as close as possible, one hand buried at the nape of her neck, and the other at the small of her back, already finding its way under the edge of her shirt. Vanessa moans and presses hard against her.

It’s always been this way, heavy, needy and fast. They’ve never been good at taking it slow in the beginning, there’s always been an urgency to it. Now more than ever. Vanessa is so starved for Charity she feels like she is losing her mind now that she gets to be close to her again.

Charity’s hands clasp at Vanessa’s clothes in desperate, jerky moves. She starts to pull at the shirt and the tank top underneath, pulling it out of Vanessa’s trousers, twisting her fingers into the fabric and pulling Vanessa even closer. She rips at Vanessa’s belt, unbuckling it and popping the button underneath.

Vanessa feels like her body is coming to life after a long slumber, every movement of Charity’s evoke waves of arousal in her that makes her forget everything else. She drags Charity with her towards the bed while Charity wrestles with the clasp of her bra.

They lose their balance and tumble down on the bed, laughing.

”Impatient as always,” Vanessa chuckles.

”This is one time you’re not allowed to complain about it,” Charity murmurs against Vanessa’s neck, her hand finding the bra strap and pushing it down.

”I’m not complaining,” Vanessa moans and presses up against Charity’s hand cupping her breast. She is feeling very impatient herself.

Luckily, Charity is not wasting time. She kisses down Vanessa’s body with singular purpose and drags her jeans and her knickers off in one smooth motion.

Vanessa’s back arches at the first touch of Charity’s mouth on her. It’s been so long since she had this, or any kind of closeness, and the way Charity goes at her signals she needs this just as much as Vanessa does. She sometimes used to make Vanessa wait for it, but she doesn’t seem to be able to now. It’s like she’s famished, the way she completely devours Vanessa. No finesse, just pure hunger. 

And it works, it’s like she is turning Vanessa inside out, and Vanessa can’t help the sounds that break free of her throat, echoing against the ceiling. It only serves to egg Charity on even more, and when Vanessa comes it’s like she leaves her body for a moment.

Charity crawls up, kissing Vanessa’s breath away. Wet and sloppy with fingers that are tender against Vanessa’s cheek.

”I’ve missed you,” Charity pants. ”I’ve missed you so much.”

”M-me too,” Vanessa manages, too affected to speak properly. 

She might not be able to speak, but she can move. She flips them easily.

”I need you,” Charity whispers and there’s no holding back then. Vanessa hikes Charity’s leg up on her hip, and lets her fingers sink inside her.

Charity sobs and digs her nails into Vanessa’s back. They know each other so well, Vanessa knows exactly how to ruin Charity, knows exactly what she needs and it’s the most exhilarating thing to have this back. Charity knows what Vanessa needs too, she tenses her thigh and presses it up hard against Vanessa, moaning when she feels her slide warm against her skin.

”Vanessa,” Charity groans. She is shaking all over already, her pupils blown and dark.

”I love you,” Vanessa says into Charity’s ear, biting it for good measure. She is getting so close again already.

Charity growls against her neck and then she slips her hand between their bodies and it only takes a few swirls of her fingertips before Vanessa is coming again, only this time she takes Charity with her. The sight and sound and feel is almost too much, she thinks she might pass out. 

They finally collapse against one another, breathless and sticky. Vanessa closes her eyes, enjoying the way their hearts hammer violently against one another.

She eventually lies down beside Charity so she won’t crush her. Charity’s breath is still strained and her eyes closed. She pulls Vanessa close, takes her hand and laces their fingers together, presses them to her mouth.

For the first time in nine months, Vanessa drifts off to sleep with ease.

—

The next few days pass in a beautiful blur. They try to make up for all that lost time, staying in bed until noon. Vanessa looks after Ariana’s leg and meticulously goes over every chicken in Wishing Well, free of charge. In the evenings she goes with the Dingles to the Woolpack where Charity works the bar.

One evening they go swimming in the creek nearby, drying in the sinking sun afterward. Everything feels like it did last summer, magical and heightened. But this time, there’s a clear end in sight.

”I have to go back home in a couple of days,” Vanessa mumbles into Charity’s shoulder. Charity instantly sits up, like she’s been startled. ”I’m starting my summer job with Ed on Monday.”

”You have to go?” Charity asks.

”It’s the only job I’ve got going. It’s only for the summer.” 

Charity rubs her forehead and smiles tightly. ”Right. ’Course.”

She puts on a brave facade, but it doesn’t fool Vanessa for a second.

—

A few strands of light peers through the curtains when Vanessa wakes up early the next morning. When she turns around, she sees Charity looking down at her, her face shrouded in darkness.

Vanessa’s heart seizes. So many nights she’s woken up, dreaming that Charity was beside her, only to find she was alone. But not this time. She reaches out to touch Charity’s face, needing solid proof that she is indeed here.

Charity’s cheeks are wet and she snivels and shrinks away from Vanessa’s touch.

”Sorry,” she mutters.

Vanessa gathers the blanket around herself and sits up beside Charity, stroking her fingers through her hair.

”What for?”

”Where should I start?” Charity chuckles wetly. 

”There’s nothing you need to apologise for,” Vanessa says.

”I can’t believe you came for me,” Charity says. ”That you actually did.”

”Of course I would!”

”I was so scared that you wouldn’t come, though. That’s why I wrote that daft coded message. If you didn’t show up I could at least tell myself that you hadn’t understood it.”

Vanessa waits for Charity to continue, but she doesn’t. 

”What’s going on?” Vanessa asks.

”I just… I never knew I could feel like this. Need someone this much. I get over things. It’s what I do. Whatever happens, I move on and don’t look back. But I couldn’t let you go. I thought it’d get easier with time, but it didn’t. It only got worse. I missed you so much, and I was so scared that I’d blown things for good. That _you’d_ move on, meet someone else—”

”Fat chance of that happening.”

Charity smiles faintly. ”Yeah?”

”Rhona’s been telling me for months I need to get over you, that I should find someone else and get you out of my system but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even _try.”_

Charity leans into her, letting Vanessa cradle her.

”I’m not letting you go now I’ve finally found you again,” Vanessa says. ”When my contract is up by the end of summer, I can look for work up here.”

”You’d do that? Move back up here for me?”

”You really need to ask me that?” Vanessa rolls her eyes fondly. ”I’d do anything for you.”

Charity stares at her, her eyes so full of emotion it’s almost unbearable for them both. They kiss instead, when words aren’t enough.

—

The morning of Vanessa’s departure, she can’t find Charity anywhere. She heard her slip out early and she hasn’t come back.

After looking for her in the main house, Vanessa peeks into the garage. 

”Hello?”

Lisa rolls out from under the car. ”Oh, hello love.”

”You haven’t seen Charity by any chance?”

”Not today.”

Vanessa glances at her watch. She is taking the bus to Hotten Station at 2 and she had vainly expected Charity to be plastered at her side until then. The disappointment weighs on her. 

”Right. Okay.” 

”You know,” Lisa says while wiping her hands on a cloth. ”I haven’t known Charity very long. But I know she’s been through a lot. And I’ve seen the difference in her since you got here. It’s day and night.”

”It is?”

”Oh, yes. You make her happy. Everyone can see it. I’m sure she’ll be back in time before you leave.”

Vanessa smiles weakly. She didn’t know she was so obvious in her worry.

”Come on, let’s go put the kettle on,” Lisa says, patting Vanessa’s back.

—

It’s the first time Vanessa has been alone with Lisa, and it’s nice. Vanessa likes her a lot, and she seems to genuinely care for Charity. 

She can’t help but worry that Charity still isn’t back, though. She returns to Charity’s room to pack the last of her things, glancing at her watch. What is she going to do if Charity doesn’t turn up at all? Is she supposed to just leave anyway? It seems impossible after everything they’ve said to each other.

Suddenly the door burst open.

”Where have you been?” Vanessa asks Charity, unable to hide her irritation. ”It’s only an hour till my bus leaves.”

”I had to think,” Charity says.

”About?” Vanessa is stung that Charity hasn’t spent their last few hours with her.

”Can I come with you?” Charity asks.

Vanessa stares at her. She is so shocked that she can’t find her words at first. 

“I can ask Diane for my old job back, or I’ll find something else. But if you--”

”You can always come home, you know that. But what about…”

”Sod him. You know what I’ve realized over the last few days? The only thing that matters is us being together, isn’t it? I’ve let that man ruin my life long enough. I almost lost you because of him. I’m sick of being scared. I’m sick of running. I want to go home with you.” She closes in on Vanessa and takes her hand. ”Living with you was the best time of my life, and I want it back.”

”Me too,” Vanessa whispers. ”I want that more than anything. But what are we going to do about Bails?”

”I want him to pay for what he did to me. I want him off the street so he won’t do the same to anyone else, ever again.”

”You want to go to the police.”

”Yes. Whatever it takes to get rid of him for good.” Charity gathers herself for a moment before continuing. ”So many times I’ve thought, ’stuff it, I’m going home’. But I was too scared to. _He_ made me that way. He made me almost lose the person that means more to me than anything. I don’t want him to have that power over me anymore.”

A wave of tenderness washes over Vanessa. She puts her hand on Charity’s cheek. Charity leans into the touch, her eyes fluttering closed.

”You can take it back. I believe in you,” Vanessa says.

”I’m not sure the coppers will though, with my record. But… there might be evidence. You know.”

”Your son.”

Charity nods quietly, signaling she doesn’t want to get into it.

Vanessa understands why it’s painful for Charity to talk about. This is not the time to push it.

”I’ll be there, whatever happens.”

Charity wraps her in an embrace that seems to go on forever.

”Hey,” Vanessa murmurs.

”Yeah?” Charity wipes at her eyes.

”You really need to get a move on with the packing if you don’t want us to miss our train back home.”

—

It’s surreal walking up the stairs to the apartment with Charity’s hand in hers. Surreal, but at the same time just right.

Charity takes out her key and unlocks the door.

”You saved it?”

Charity shrugs with a smile.

Charity looks around the flat with curious eyes.

”It looks just the same,” she says, like she had expected something different.

”I haven’t done much. Only, I moved into your room. Saffron, my flatmate stays in my old room.”

”What’s she like?”

”She’s nice. She’s almost never around anymore though, she met a bloke recently.”

They look into Charity’s old bedroom. The bedroom that they’d shared. All of Vanessa’s things are in there now, her bookshelf and her pictures. And everything Charity left behind is still there, the clothes still hangs in the closet, the pictures she put on the walls, the dresser she’d bought at a flea market. Charity takes everything in and puts her arm around Vanessa.

They sink down on the sofa. Charity stretches out, putting her foot in Vanessa’s lap. She closes her eyes and keeps them closed.

”What’s on your mind?” Vanessa asks, stroking Charity’s foot.

”I’m just thinking that this is how it feels to come home.”

”How does it feel?”

Charity opens her eyes and peers at Vanessa. ”Like this is where I belong.”

”It is,” Vanessa says. ”It hasn’t been the same without you.”

She lets go of Charity’s foot and crawls up to kiss her. Charity smiles against her mouth and lets her fingers sink into her hair.

Vanessa leans back to look at her. She looks so content. Whatever is going to happen now, Vanessa knows it will be fine in the end. They’ve got each other.

”Welcome home,” she murmurs, kissing Charity again.

”Thanks, babe.”

Charity’s smile is brilliant, blinding. For the first time since Charity left, it feels like home to Vanessa too.

_End._

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @blurryoz


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